That’s it! I loud quit! I have had it with these so-called workplace trends. First there was “quiet quitting,” when an employee … works only during work hours and puts in only the precise amount of work required to keep their job. And now there’s “micro-retirement,” a new trend of not working for a week or two weeks every 18 months, sometimes while employed, sometimes between jobs. Are you sure these are new workplace trends? Are you sure you aren’t just describing a routine phenomenon in an alarmed way? I took the liberty of recounting a typical workday in the language of workplace-trend pieces.The Gen Z worker awakes in the morning from her Microdeath (a new workforce trend where workers deliberately close their screens, repose horizontally, and are unavailable to respond to emails for up to eight hours) and dons her Whimsical Cloth Sheath (a new Gen Z trend where workers cover their body in colorful fabrics rather than sensible gray flannel).Before arriving at her shared work location, the worker enters a crowded underground car to engage in a Tiny Detox, a new workforce trend where the worker’s phone or laptop fails to stay connected to the internet for the entire ride, giving the worker a refreshing break for sometimes the whole length of a tunnel! Many bosses frown on this trend, suggesting that it doesn’t really offer any mental-health benefits and the loss of productivity can be costly—as can its companion trend, the Mile High Detox (no internet on a plane). For the course of her Tiny Detox, the worker stares out the window.After another Tiny Detox on the elevator up to her office, the Gen Z worker gets right to work until it’s time for her Microspa, a new workplace trend where workers visit a purpose-built room to excrete liquid and, in some cases, solid waste. Some employers advise against this! She flushes, emerging to a small area equipped with sinks and mirrors.Her colleague Carla is giving herself a Hyper-Targeted Cleanse, a new Gen Z trend of using a special implement with stiff bristles to polish her teeth. “Hey, Carla,” the worker says.Carla nods in greeting. “How was your weekend?”“Great!” the worker says. “We had a barbecue. Yours?” (This is Voice Quitting, a new Gen Z workplace trend where colleagues use their voices during work hours to discuss nonwork topics instead of placing their voices into a seashell for the exclusive use of their employers. Some employers consider it a useful form of bonding, but many frown on it.)She returns to her desk and types for three solid hours, occasionally stopping to Time Manage (a new trend where Gen Z workers glance at a personal timepiece rather than relying on their employer-supplied clocks) before getting back to work. Many Gen Z workers choose to Lung Bathe while in the workplace, and this worker is no exception, inflating not just one lung but both lungs. Decadent! This worker is also engaged in the new trend of Organmaxxing, where workers hoard both kidneys selfishly for themselves instead of offering one to their employers.Finally, it is 1:50 p.m. Just 10 more minutes until her Microvacation! To participate in this new trend, she gets up from her desk to travel briefly to a second, more fun location—in this case, a coffee shop—for fewer than 30 minutes. Some workers take multiple Microvacations per week, and employers warn it can be addictive.She returns to her desk and gets back to work. Fortunately, she did not engage in any Medical Malingering (a new workforce trend where doctor appointments are scheduled during the workweek rather than at night or on weekends), so she has the whole afternoon to produce value for her employer with her labor before she Silent Retreats (a new trend where workers, instead of opting to spend the night in the office, leave work to engage in Microdeath in another location, sometimes with roommates or cats).She is grateful, she reflects, not to be experiencing the new Gen Z trend of Pre-Retirement, where Gen Z workers are not offered any of the jobs they apply to. More and more workers seem to be embracing this trend! She is excited to go home and keep dreaming her American Microdream (a new trend where Gen Z workers, instead of using their salaries to buy homes and support a family, hope to someday pay off their student loans.) She sighs. The Microdeath cannot come soon enough.