It sure is a relief to finally put all that icky Jeffrey Epstein stuff behind us. Any suspicions that foul play was involved in his mysterious death have been wiped away by the surveillance video the government released of the night of his death. Sure, for years they insisted that the surveillance video was accidentally wiped, but I guess not, and who even really cares about those missing two minutes anyway? And that client list everyone was making so much fuss about? Pam Bondi once said the list was “sitting on her desk” but wouldn’t you know, it turns out that it actually doesn’t exist at all. How weird! President Trump summed up the mood of the nation when asked what was going on by angrily saying, “Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy’s been talked about for years! We have Texas, we have this, we have all of the things that… and are people still talking about this guy, this creep? That is unbelievable. I can’t believe you’re asking a question on Epstein at a time like this.” We hear you, Mr President! After all, nobody can think of any reason why you in particular might not want the details of Jeffrey Epstein’s activities to become public! Nothing to see here folks! As a fun post-script, we even now have an idea of what was on Epstein’s suicide note, as confirmed by the murderous ex-cop Nicholas Tartaglione who was once bunkmates with the world’s most notorious child rapist. In an interview with House Inhabit, Tartaglione claimed that: “Jeffrey Epstein tried killing himself when he was in the cell with me. I woke up and I brought him back with CPR, and to prove this point, Jeffrey Epstein wrote a suicide note.” Awesome. Can we see it? No? Dang, that’s a shame. Apparently it was handed into the court and promptly vanished. But Tartaglione remembers what it said: “FBI looked into me for months and found nothing. What do you want me to do, cry about it?” and that it concluded “Time to say goodbye.” Tartaglione underlines that Epstein was determined “to die” and even tried to pay him to”kill him”, though he didn’t want to get involved. As he explained: “Once they denied his bail, that’s when he decided that. Because when he got back from his bail hearing, one of the first things he asked was, ‘How do I make a noose?’ And I told him, “You’re not doing that in this cell, Jeff'”. He concluded: “He definitely committed suicide. That’s why I was cleared of any wrongdoing. They knew it.” Well, that about wraps that up! Whew. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website for support and resources.