Welcome to Rated and Slated, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.It’s often been suggested that time online would be better spent experiencing art and culture; that any and all screen-based activity is slowly causing our minds, attention spans and souls to degenerate, and the only remedy is good old fashioned physical media. I’m so haunted by the towering stack of unread books beside my bed that it was actually a relief to come across Doomscroll_forever’s meme suggesting that perhaps this isn’t the pathway to happiness after all. View this post on Instagram Of course, my immediate reaction was to go through all the cultural artifacts that had been referenced, checking off how many I’d consumed. Infinite Jest, tick. Marquee Moon, tick. Guernica, tick. Only after a moment did I notice a crucial detail about the pitiful Wojak at the center of the image: his brain is so big that he’s become trapped within it, staring out helplessly into the world from behind the bars of his own consciousness. So maybe all this Letterboxd reviewing and Goodreads rating is simply the equivalent of scratching days into the cell wall to track time spent in a cage made of gray matter?Don’t tell the guards, but I’ve been using a spoon to dig a secret tunnel so I can one day escape the prison of my own mind. I’ve managed to cut my way into a sewage pipe. Here’s some of the stuff I’ve found swimming down there:ratedGROKFELLASMarty, you're Catholic, listen to the Pope man https://t.co/ccCPkRHrEu— Porgherder (@temporal_pincer) June 2, 2026Well I, for one, am looking forward to watching Paulie the butch humanoid meatball razoring his AI garlic prison bitch from behind until that horny little clove liquefies all over the prison cell frying pan.MACROPHILIAMAXXINGIf you don’t have a plan miami gonna make a plan for you https://t.co/meqjTn3HlU— Victoria Rose (@woahhvickyyy) June 2, 2026Clavicular keeps getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger, so perhaps his chosen porn genre would reflect that, as he starts courting macrophiles. Next thing you know he’ll be 50ft tall, stomping through the city streets, squashing homeless people in their tents, and biting the heads off of alligators. As you sit, wagecucked, in your 17-storey office, putting in a “late shift” (Clav pouting on your desktop monitor: “You look so small I could fit you in my pocket, I wonder where else I could fit you”), his massive face suddenly appears outside. You press yourself up against the skyscraper window as he removes his leopard print one-piece, a giant pair of testicles shattering the glass, and you are obliterated instantly.CONSTANCE DEBRÉ INTERVIEWED BY STEPHANIE LACAVA FOR HEAVY TRAFFIC View this post on Instagram French author Constance Debré says it’s rare that a good writer “doesn’t have an interesting face,” which is good news for me because, though I’ve been neglecting my novel to spend literally 12 hours a day following the real-life exploits of a handful of vain and imbecilic streamers, I now know all about Dr. Miami, who has agreed to give me plastic surgery (using the discarded remnants of Clavicular’s old nose) so I can look more like Michel Houellebecq.THE USMNT ULTRASThe US ‘Ultras’ are ready for the World Cup… pic.twitter.com/RAfla0nRvP— The 44 (@The_Forty_Four) June 2, 2026Though Americans know nothing about football, these “soccer” fans are right to suggest that the U.S. has the best ultras in the world. After all, there was a secret CIA program dedicated to creating them running all through the 1950s and 60s. Due to ticket prices it looks like there’s hardly going to be anyone at this summer’s World Cup, besides one or two mind-control victims in the crowd awaiting activation. Their trigger phrase could be something like “We support the U.S.,” but, judging by this video, they won’t be able to hear it over the sound of hot dog wrappers swirling around the empty stadium and vultures screaming in the skies overhead, waiting for another player to collapse with heatstroke.GETTING CUCKED View this post on Instagram The last musician this preoccupied with being a cuck ended up getting banned from the UK. Judging by the content of “Pussy Palace,” this is something Lily Allen will want to avoid, as it didn’t work out great for her when she moved to the U.S. before. Given her well-documented poor taste in men, I suggest she stays as far away as possible from Dave Blunts and his promethazine dojo.YHWH NAILGUN’S NEW 11-MINUTE ALBUMThe wait for a new YHWH Nailgun album will be over next week. Eleven minutes later, it will begin again https://t.co/RwzB3zSiyz— Pitchfork (@pitchfork) June 2, 2026Eleven minutes might not sound like long time to female listeners, but according to research-based averages it actually totally is.JEDI GRAND MASTER SYDNEYwhy he look like Sydney Sweeney https://t.co/baIZjNxJHn— episode one (@E1podcast) May 22, 2026Proud of this nut, I am not.slatedDRINKING THE KOOL-AID PINEAPPLEone jar can change your life pic.twitter.com/cSd4JfKfad— bruski (@cookerbruski) May 29, 2026The Jonestown Massacre proves that it’s true, you can kill 900 people, but you can’t kill an idea, especially if that idea is consuming a potentially lethal Kool-Aid concoction because all your friends are doing it. A 380 gram pineapple jar sugar rush will have you channelling the spirit of cult leader Jim Jones: “There is no Heaven up there, so we’re going to have to make Heaven down here. Dat bih gah.”THIS JUST IN…Drake has placed a $1m bet on A Child Who Believes in a Peaceful World to win the World Cup https://t.co/cdqUfYQHFA pic.twitter.com/u5q38UBaE7— Aidan James (@mcandidate) June 1, 2026BREAKING: A Child Who Believes in a Peaceful World’s dream of playing in the World Cup comes to a heartbreaking end as he goes down injured in a pre-tournament friendly after an off-the-ball incident with a child soldier wunderkind making his debut off the bench for the Lord’s Resistance Army.BROKE ASS PUSSYNot even Choupette could survive in this economy OMG https://t.co/1r0dEJqdlu— jp (@jus10pr) June 1, 2026Immediately after reading about the financial difficulties faced by “the world’s richest cat,” I saw a tweet (now deleted) suggesting that, in the future, Palantir will force us all to choose between two jobs: DJ or model—and that everyone else will be liquidated. Well, Choupette’s already through with fashion (Her $3 million-a-year feline modeling career slowed when the legendary designer was no longer there to “direct campaigns”). And this week it was announced that Juno Download is no more. So I’m just glad Karl Lagerfeld’s not here to witness what’s coming next.CROSS-DENOMINATIONAL MARRIAGESMore proof that cross-denominational marriages (she was Orthodox and he was Catholic) never work out https://t.co/WgxE4jiyEe— Nasser (@RichPianian) June 3, 2026“He was Catholic, she was Orthodox/Can I make it any more obvious?/He made podcasts, she did anal/What more can I say?”ON THE WAY TO ZARATHUSTRA View this post on Instagram DIY clitoridectomy, penis mutilation, and a talking fox; I knew Lars von Trier was a weird guy before I saw this teenage self portrait. Of course, the whole “I’m a Nazi thing” makes a lot more sense as well now that we know he’s an art school kid. ‘…RUSSIA’S GREATEST LOVE MACHINE / IT WAS A SHAME HOW HE CARRIED ON’WERE GOING TO MOSCOW pic.twitter.com/INGijEUgQ0— Andrew Tate (@Cobratate) June 1, 2026If only Moscow’s infamous alternative newspaper The eXile hadn’t been shut down all those years ago after being accused of encouraging extremism and/or distributing porn, they could have welcomed Andrew Tate to Russia with their signature dish: a pie made of fresh vanilla cream, hand-puréed strawberry, and five ounces of horse semen, served directly to the face.PRACTICING GAY ANAL SEX TO WIDEN YOUR ASS FOR A BOMBMuslim student asks: “Can I practice gay anal sex to widen my ass for a bomb?”Muslim teacher answers: “Normally forbidden, but for jihad? Totally allowed!”Is it just me, or they are all repressed and gay? pic.twitter.com/6h8wOex7VD— Dr. Maalouf (@realMaalouf) June 1, 2026Wait, what if this is what Goatse was really up to?Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoiThe post Things We Hate and Love Online This Week appeared first on VICE.