There’s just so much I just can’t swallow about bakery culture in 2026. For the most part, it’s advisable to forgo the calories and instead read about madeleines, pistachio-and-coffee ice, and chocolate cakes sugared with gothic tracery by revisiting the infinitely delicious pages of Proust. Thus, I have decided to present 10 reasons why I find most bakeries so intolerable these days. Allow my agitation around how croissants are currently being mangled to emerge as one of the article’s themes. Note: I may seem grumpy, but the fact that I avoid calling anyone out by name should let you know that I’m at least a crab with a heart. If you want to hear some nice things though, then read my list of dessert spots that are worth the hype when you’re finished here.Before diving into our main list, let’s throw out some honorable-mention pet peeves. For one, the experience of attempting to fika can be interrupted by annoying customers. By all means, chat and be merry, but you don’t need to project every word as if from a stage — trust me, your life or opinions about that new Netflix show aren’t as entertaining to other patrons as you think. On the opposite end, a privately owned business is not a library or your bedroom. Setting up your personal belongings as if the table is your personal office space is not only unhygienic, but it kills the vibe.Speaking more to the matter of hygiene, if an employee dares to wipe their nose with their hands (or gloves), I am leaving. It seems like an absolute given that workers would know that coughing into the hands is also incredibly disgusting, but it’s something I observe quite a lot. In fact, at one highly praised eatery, I even saw an attitudinal employee picking the insides of the acrylic fashion crimes glued to her fingers while carrying on a conversation with her iPhone on speaker and ignoring customers. Be courteous and know your products — it’s astounding just how many employees have no idea what’s inside, and how to describe, the items they are serving. Granted, if you are kind enough, I can forgive management’s negligence in preparing you for your duties. What is absolutely unforgivable, on the other hand, is the managerial decision not to place any pastries out in favor of plastic displays or nothing at all.Now, the time has finally arrived to jump into the top 10 reasons I’m currently staying away from the majority of bakeries, besides just telling you they mostly fall between a 1 and a 3 out of 10, in my estimation.1. Lack of quality ingredientsThis first one should be pretty self-explanatory. If your chocolate mousse just tastes like sugar, your vanilla seems artificial, and your matcha sponge cake is reminiscent of sweet nothingness, then what on earth are you doing? High-quality ingredients are obviously of the utmost importance. A good bakery owner should be able to talk for quite a while about the care they’ve put into choosing all the right, often imported sources. Unfortunately, a sizable portion of places prioritize profits over quality, as opposed to delivering levels of quality justified by the prices. On this topic, I’ve noticed that European businesses, when expanding to America, frequently (if not from the start, then eventually) make their desserts chokingly sweet while turning down the punch of the actual flavors advertised. News flash: Not all Americans have palates tuned to tolerate grocery store cakes.2. Where is the artistry?In NYC, at least, it’s almost impossible to find good entrements. They are labor-intensive and require a level of precision and (dare I say) love that most establishments simply aren’t willing to put in. Gone are the days when it’s easy to stumble upon a beacon of refinement that serves up wonders that look like they’re meant for Marie Antoinette. As life is too short not to be fussy, pastries should resemble pieces of museum-worthy art. The lack of artistry these days is also apparent in uninspired flavor profiles and poorly curated menus; the bakeries local to me of the supposedly rarefied sort seem to be opting for smaller selections of less-than-ambitious offerings and/or just downright odd (even nonsensical) items, as we will explore more below. Sophistication, genuine creativity, and excellence as means of building a following have largely been usurped by cheap attention-wh*ring for clicks from the novelty-seeking crowds of today. While I am guilty of adoring pretentiousness, there’s nothing I hate as much as Philistinism paired with pretense. 3. Bakers should be highly trainedTechnique and skills are truly lacking these days. It should be common sense that those working at high-end bakeries should be highly trained. Yet, that is sadly far from always the case. One worker explained to me how her former employer (a hyped brand from France) gave all the counter staff a crash course on how to bake and required that they do so daily. Suddenly, the fact that I hadn’t cared for what I received at the chain in question made sense; the appearance of their items is clearly off nearly every time I pass by. At one spot, which was confoundingly praised by the NYT, I saw the kind but overwhelmed employees running back and forth between serving customers and their baking duties. No wonder why my pandan dessert tasted like they forgot to add the pandan…Recently, I found myself at the end of a long line for a viral bakery. Thus, I decided to see if the wait would be justified by peeking into the window — the products of dilettantism passing as viennoiserie betrayed the fact that the owner had no formal training, proof that most people have no idea what they’re actually applauding and just behave like herd animals. I generally deem the idea that you can fully teach yourself an art form and forgo education while posing as a professional to be a grand declaration of arrogance. That said, I do not wish to disrespect all those excellent bakers, with no diplomas to show, serving up miracles at home. Kidnap an average Russian granny, and her cherry blini will probably outshine most viral spots.4. Lack of Respect for TraditionThis is related to the last point — if you claim to be a pâtissier, for example, you’d better have studied and immersed yourself in French techniques as much as possible. Similarly, if you say you bring patrons a taste of Asia, then your items are likely insulting Asian culinary heritage if your background is in finance. And yes, there are so many individuals who simply decide to switch fields, whether due to stress or failure, and open bakeries. I love that Pierre Hermé includes the history behind the desserts explored in Pierre Hermé Pastries, for instance — bakers should really be aware of the significance behind the morsels they’re preparing.In general, though not at all without exception, I’m not a big fan of fusion, as I find it often leads to disharmonious combinations that no culture should take pride in — an overwhelming sense of nowhere-ness. It is particularly irksome as gustation is so strongly linked to personal and ancestral memories and our sense of identity… While more of a home-baking hack, the rice paper croissant just might be one of the most blasphemous and scream-worthy recipe ideas ever. Returning to the reality of foreign grandmas representing formidable forces in the kitchen, your goal as a chef shouldn’t be to get murdered by weaponized rolling pins in the hands of the elderly.5. Bizarre HybridsHaving mistakenly estimated that the all-too-offensive joke that is the cronut would quickly perish, I never could have predicted the abundance of preposterous hybrids ambushing us these days. The noble croissant has been wed to the likes of the plebeians known as the chocolate chip cookie, black and white cookie, brownie, etc. Again, the annoying lack of respect for tradition manifests itself here in options like the onigiri, tortilla, and shakshuka croissants. Ew. Ew. And ew again. Are we engaged in weirdness competitions or attempting to satisfy pregnancy cravings?! I do not possess words harsh enough for the little tarts who devised such Frankensteinian train wrecks.6. “Elevated” junk foodWhile this goes with the last grievance, I thought it deserved its own space: Please stop the glorification of banality! Nothing gives me a seizure as fast as the sight of a peanut butter and jelly macaroon — even patisseries I support have been guilty of this crime, but that doesn’t prevent it from being the antithesis of cute. Call me mean, but I demand that all birthday cake and cookies and cream flavors be cancelled as well. “Elevated” s’mores desserts began provoking my sighs a while ago when they emerged on menus at so-called pillars of fine dining as well as attempts to recreate vending-machine options like Snickers… I know they appeal to a lot of customers, but I usually interpret cake pops, cupcakes, and donuts as massive red flags. (While I am usually greatly put off by the sight of cinnamon rolls standing, in all of their chubby awkwardness, beside the canelé, who must feel some sense of degradation as a result, NYC’s outstanding Frenchette humbled me by making what is probably one of the only cinnamon rolls meant to please an incorrigible snob.)Fortunately, I have not seen any desserts topped with Lotus Biscoff cookies in quite a while. But at one completely inauthentic, or culturally ambiguous but European-inspired, establishment in New York, I spotted something even more gasp-inducing: A cake slice that looked like it could have come from a gas station with an Oreo on top. The location harbored an even more shocking American invader: garlic knots. That represents a new level of sacrilege, as far as I’m concerned. While it’s a bit off-topic, as it’s neither junk nor a dessert, NYC’s $60 rye bread, which can be purchased with a $480 minimalist storage container, really illustrates the absurdity of what American gourmands are sometimes offered (in this case, by an Austrian, who is banking on American stupidity). While I am usually happy to extol the merits of breads baked by Europeans, rye is in no shape or form a luxury good.7. Old and Overbaked: Dry *ss Croissants and Rock-Hard BunsThe inability of bakers to produce acceptable croissants exposes several issues plaguing the culinary arts. The croissant should be light, flaky, and buttery, with a distinctive honeycomb shape inside that reveals itself upon dissection (though it’s best to just tear them). Instead, what you’ll typically find while trying to procure a traditional croissant, at least in those culturally impoverished areas like New York that confoundingly masquerade as cultural havens, are either dry or greasy abominations meant only for the garbage. I have seen the croissant and pain au chocolat both overbaked to the point of turning blackish at revered establishments. The ashy taste of incineration and blood from sharp shards that cut the throat, as washed down by overly acidic coffee, is not how I like to begin my mornings, but that’s a personal preference, of course.Not minding the oven is not the only factor contributing to ghastly textures. As far as I’m concerned, if your cardamom bun was baked yesterday, you can shove it. Along those lines, I’m aware that some desserts must be frozen during the creation process (Take entrement with mirror glazes.), and that the likes of macarons are better aged. That said, there’s hardly anything less appealing than a dessert that leaves the funky aftertaste of the refrigerator. I just love influencer-approved pre-sliced Basque cheesecake that has been sitting in a box (with a wilting flower and cream in the process of breaking down) since God knows when. I’ve even been served desserts are thawing… Whereas, in Russia, my go-tos took great pains to make sure that customers were either eating goods baked that day or were, at least, aware of which items were not, in New York, you can spot sweat-like beads of condensation on pastries at even some of the priciest bakeries. At one beloved “neighborhood mainstay,” meaning outdated must-avoid, I spied mold on the raspberries adorning a cake and have the pictures to prove it, though I’m too much of a doll to do so here — you’re welcome to the owners.8. Epic InfantilismThis peeve sometimes manifests itself in both elevated junk food and bizarre hybrids, and it’s another great issue to explore through the croissant. Croissants have been turned into every shape imaginable (bowties, cat faces, spheres, cubes, etc.), thereby often destroying their characteristic airiness. They have moreover been r*ped with all kinds of texturally incompatible and high-colored substances — some of which resemble Nickelodeon slime, others give Play-Doh vibes. (Madeleines have fallen victim to similar caprices that would render a Proustian reaction impossible.) If I already expressed that I like my desserts to look as if they’re for a queen and reflect and elite sense of aesthetics, then much of what I see appears as if it’s destined for a group of little munchkins in plastic tiaras with light-up sneakers. Croissants are not meant to be flat, obscured by pink-dyed white chocolate, and coated in multi-colored sprinkles. The irony here is that the croissant has been enjoying a rather big, extended moment. Yet, a certain hatred seems to be at the heart of the public’s obsession with this supposed star of the show — if you love something, then why do you have to force it into an identity crisis and through the indignity of being turned into (sometimes literally) a shell of itself to house other things?9. What is the obsession with oversized?Alright, I’ll admit that the giant croissant and pain au chocolat from the likes of Philippe Conticini are cute and whimsical, surrealism in a way. However, I’m usually pretty happy to rail against the obnoxious phenomenon of supersized items, as I think they are moronic — they may not fall under the category of infantile, but they are juvenile. We don’t need a jumbo cake slice with vomitously heavy buttercream. (Why in the world does American buttercream even exist?) That said, it’s obvious that a lot of modern desserts aren’t actually meant to be consumed — they are intended to serve as fodder for often grotesque social media videos in which they are torn apart and finger-f*cked by influencers in manners that make stray dogs seem dainty.10. I am not a barbarianThank you to those star influencer pastry chefs who pander to the TikTok rabble while acting like cringey magicians, snapping their fingers to the tune of annoying background music. Any dessert with a hard chocolate shell that is meant to be broken by raising in its entirety to the mouth and biting is not for me. It’s not chic; it’s barbarism. While I’ve always loved entremet resembling fruit when done elegantly, I despise the newer types of trendy faux fruits and nuts of which I am speaking here. They are just too literal in interpretation to be art and feel like science experiments of sorts… especially when they begin to ooze obscene lava-like goo or when chunks that just feel inappropriate are unearthed. (On the topic of science, if I may be a bit tangential, is it just me who loathes that ultra-sterile, bare-bones Brooklyn workshop look that is, for some reason, treated as an approved interior design choice, even though it seems to express a refusal to exercise free will? Even Soviet architecture seems warmer.)The post 10 Reasons I Hate (Most) Bakeries in 2026 appeared first on VICE.