Attachment styles have become the zodiac signs of modern dating. People are identifying as anxiously attached or dismissive-avoidant before they’ve even exchanged last names. Knowing your own attachment style is great, I guess, but understanding your partner’s could explain why you keep rehashing the same argument.Psychologist Hal Shorey, Ph.D., recently wrote in Psychology Today that relationship issues can come from assuming your partner is deliberately trying to hurt you. He sees this in couples therapy all the time, especially when one person is anxiously attached, and the other is avoidant. As Amir Levine and Rachel Heller wrote in Attached, “Anxious and avoidant people can bring out the worst in each other.”You can probably picture it. One person wants to talk right now, while the other would prefer to spend six hours doing literally anything else. The anxious partner gets upset, the avoidant partner withdraws, and both are convinced they’re dating an a**hole.Shorey says knowing your partner’s attachment style can help you recognize what’s happening before an ordinary disagreement becomes a three-day ordeal. He also emphasizes that understanding someone’s behavior “does not mean you excuse, ignore, or accept that the behavior will continue.” Being avoidant isn’t permission to disappear whenever your girlfriend asks a question.5 Ways to Keep Your Attachment Styles From Taking Over Every ArgumentStop assuming they’re trying to piss you off. If a partner goes silent during an argument, it can feel insulting, but they may just be overwhelmed. You can still tell them how their silence affects you.Take a break without disappearing. Marriage and family therapist Laura Heck told HuffPost that taking at least 20 minutes to cool off can help when emotions run high. Agree to finish the conversation later. Reassure the person who’s worrying. It takes literally two seconds to send a text that you’re running late. That small gesture can do wonders for an anxious partner whose brain jumps to the worst-case scenario. It also reminds them you care, even during arguments.Pay attention to your own reactions. It’s easy to blame your partner for every argument and not take accountability for your own contributions. Levine told CNN that recognizing your reactions when a relationship feels threatened can help you become more secure.Don’t diagnose yourselves with a five-minute quiz. Shorey recommends an assessment by a psychologist trained in attachment. An online questionnaire shouldn’t decide your personality.Attachment styles aren’t permanent assignments, either. Sex therapist Todd Baratz told Nylon, “People often talk about attachment in a very reductive way, in a very oversimplified way.” People can change how they respond to closeness and conflict as they get older.Knowing why your partner shuts down during arguments could save you both some frustration. You’ll still have to learn how to talk to each other, though. Memorizing a few psychological terms won’t do that for you.The post Why You Keep Having the Same Fight With Your Partner, According to a Psychologist appeared first on VICE.