—Photo-Illustration by TIME (Source Image: Francesco Carta fotografo/Getty Images)Have you ever left work at 5 p.m., only for a colleague to not-so-sweetly ask, “Going home already?”If so, you’ve probably been the target of a passive-aggressive comment. The two halves of the very phrase “passive-aggressive” spell out the familiar dynamic, says Laurie Weingart, a professor of organizational behavior at Carnegie Mellon University who has studied how people express conflict at work. Someone is expressing opposition or anger—the aggressive part—but doing so indirectly. The words leave room for an innocent interpretation. The tone? Not so much.That ambiguity puts you in an awkward position: Do you respond to what was said or what you think the other person meant—or give in to the urge to snip right back? We asked experts what to say when someone seems to be taking a dig at you but won’t quite say what they mean.Why people default to passive-aggressive communicationSometimes it feels safer to hint at a feeling than to say it directly. Admitting you feel some sort of way calls for a kind of vulnerability that a sarcastic remark does not. “Some people just haven’t learned how to say or don’t feel comfortable saying, ‘I’m hurt. You hurt my feelings,’” says Melissa Gluck, a psychologist in New York City. If you grew up around people who rarely said what they meant, the indirect approach might even feel normal.There can also be something more specific behind a partner’s pointed comment. In research on romantic relationships, Levi R. Baker, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, found that people sometimes express displeasure indirectly because they’re unsure how much their partner cares. “People are really doing this to kind of test their partner,” he says. They’re signaling, “I’m upset with you, I’ve got some hurt feelings,” then waiting to see whether their partner notices and tries to find out what’s wrong. Underneath it all, Baker says, they may be wondering: “Do they care about me? Do they value me?” Still, understanding where a comment might come from doesn’t make it feel any better to hear. It can leave you wondering whether you’ve been insulted—and how to answer an accusation the other person never quite made.How to respond to a passive-aggressive commentWeingart’s advice is to make your response “more direct and less intense” than the comment you just heard. Start by giving your friend a chance to be direct. If someone says, “Must be nice to have that much free time,” Brook McKenzie, a licensed chemical dependency counselor in Dallas who often helps families work through indirect communication and resentment, suggests responding: “I’m not sure how you meant that. Can you say it another way?” Another option: “It sounds like there might be something you want to say to me directly. Is there?” The question should be an invitation, not an accusation. “Why are you being so passive-aggressive?” may be tempting, McKenzie says, but you’ll likely end up arguing about their tone instead of whatever is actually bothering them. Returning the sarcasm tends to cause the same problem, with two people annoyed instead of one.If you’re talking to someone you’re especially close to, Gluck suggests a gentle opening: “I feel like something’s off. Do you want to talk about it?” That lets them tell you what’s wrong without requiring you to guess. If they say everything’s fine, you can take them at their word for the time being. “It’s not our job to become the feelings detective,” Gluck says.If you have a good idea of what's underneath the comment, you can acknowledge that, too. Say your partner responds to your plans with friends by remarking that you certainly have time for everyone else. Baker suggests reassuring them that you want to spend time together and proposing a plan: “I’m going out tonight, but I’d really like to have dinner with you tomorrow.” You don’t need to cancel your plans to show that you care.At work, clarity may serve you better than a conversation about feelings. If your boss says, “Leaving already?” when your workday is over, Weingart suggests asking: “Is there something else you need me to do before I leave?” A coworker’s jab may warrant even less: “Yep, the workday’s over. Have a great weekend.” Either response avoids assuming you know what the other person meant.And sometimes the best response is no response. If a friend makes one out-of-character comment on a rough day, Gluck says, you can let it pass. If it keeps happening, that’s a different conversation.What to do when someone is repeatedly passive-aggressiveA pattern deserves a more direct approach. If a friend repeatedly jokes that you never make time for them, Gluck suggests naming both what you’ve noticed and how it lands: “This isn’t the first time you’ve made that comment. It’s starting to hurt my feelings, and I’d like to know if something’s bothering you.”The same pattern can emerge in families. Say you tell your mother it upset you when she criticized you in front of relatives, and she replies, “I guess I’m just a bad mom.” Gluck suggests saying: “That’s not what I said. I was trying to tell you how I feel, and it hurts when you put those words in my mouth.” That brings the conversation back to what she said in front of your relatives, instead of turning it into a debate about whether she’s a good mother.What if they insist they were just joking? Weingart recommends separating their intention from the effect: “You may not have meant it to be hurtful, but that’s how it sounded to me.” You don’t have to prove what was in their head to explain what happened on your end.It’s also fair to be clear about what you’re willing to do next. Consider borrowing McKenzie’s go-to line for recurring comments: “I’m willing to have difficult conversations with you. I’m not willing to keep guessing what you mean.”