How do I (23F) decide whether to leave my boyfriend (25M) of two years when guilt keeps making me second-guess myself? I’m considering leaving my boyfriend of two years, whom I’ll call Evan, and moving home to my mom’s. She wants me to come home and end the relationship. Part of me wants to keep trying, but I’m increasingly depressed, exhausted, and lonely. I feel guilty about leaving, and I’m afraid of how I’ll cope afterward. Evan says he loves me and believes things will get better if we both try. We’ve had good times together, which makes this confusing. But he now wants to move in together, and I’m scared to take that step when things already feel wrong. We currently live separately but spend about five nights a week together, usually at his place. Some Background I went into college hoping to find close friends and independence, but I struggled with my mental health and developed a serious binge-drinking problem. My friendships often revolved around partying. I sometimes had blackouts and emotional outbursts that could become aggressive, and I damaged relationships. I would wake up to angry messages, promise it wouldn’t happen again, and eventually repeat the cycle. Often, I would go anywhere from two weeks to two months without drinking between episodes. I met Evan during my senior year, while this was still happening. We drank together, and there were times when I would cry, he would get angry, and we would end up fighting while drunk. Eventually, it became clear that I couldn’t keep drinking. I’ve spent most of our relationship trying to stay sober, with relapses every few months, sometimes following fights or other stress. I take responsibility for the ways I’ve hurt him, including hiding my drinking and saying hurtful things while drunk. I don’t blame him for my drinking problem. But I think my guilt has made it difficult to recognize and address problems with his behavior. When I bring up something he’s done that hurt me or ask for an apology, he often gets angry, brings up my past behavior, and tells me I’m the reason he acted that way. I end up questioning whether I have the right to be upset. These are some of the things I’m struggling to move past: He once told me that if I were raped, he wouldn’t believe me and would consider it cheating. He knows I’ve been raped before. When I was actively trying to stay sober, he refused to stop drinking around me or keep alcohol out of his house because I needed to “learn how to be around alcohol.” At events, he has refused to leave when I felt uncomfortable around the drinking, even after promising beforehand that he would listen if I needed to go. He gets upset when I make plans with friends, saying he’s worried I’ll drink or make a bad decision. I’ve stopped seeing people much outside of study sessions or coffee dates. Going out at night without him has become a source of conflict. On Halloween, which was also my friend’s birthday, she asked whether I could go out with her. He yelled at her, called her a whore, and made other degrading comments. They argued for about an hour. He no longer wants me spending time with her. He has refused to get me flowers, including for special occasions, because I “didn’t deserve it,” citing my drinking. It isn’t about expensive gifts; I would be happy with a cupcake or another small gesture of care. He rarely wants to go on dates unless they’re things he wants to do. I’ve been asking to go to a particular restaurant throughout our relationship, and it still hasn’t happened. At a family celebration of an accomplishment of mine, he took offense to a comment from my grandmother and left when I really wanted him there. The day became focused on his reaction. On the way there, he had also insisted on stopping for alcohol, making us late. I wasn’t drinking that day and my entire family is sober. During a trip to visit my father that was supposed to be about healing and sobriety, he drank throughout the visit. I relapsed during that trip. He had also opposed me going because he was worried I would drink or cheat. There are also recurring issues: He makes racist comments and uses the N-word. He has made misogynistic comments about women being unfit for positions of power, bad drivers, and cheaters. He frequently makes “jokes” about me cheating, even though I’ve repeatedly told him they make me uncomfortable. When I talk, he often looks at his phone or seems checked out. When I raise concerns, he sometimes hangs up or says I’m ruining the day, nitpicking, or not giving him peace. I also feel expected to work around his schedule and preferences, with little flexibility for mine. He sometimes interrupts me or calls when he knows I’m studying. There are good things, too, and that’s part of why this is hard. He stops to help people and animals who need it. He cooks for me and wants to spend his free time with me. I feel comfortable around him without worrying about how I look or what I’m wearing. He has stayed through difficult periods with my drinking and says he forgives me. When I’m deeply depressed, he can be there to talk, although it often feels like I have to reach a breaking point first. He tells me he loves me, wants a future with me, and wants me to be part of his family. I love him, and I don’t want to erase those good parts. But when things are good, I tend to minimize everything else. I’m writing this out because I want to look at the relationship honestly instead of continually making excuses. I know I have my own work to do regardless of whether we stay together. What I can’t sort out is how much my guilt is influencing my decision to stay, and whether this relationship is making it harder for me to get better. How can I evaluate whether there’s a realistic path forward? And if I decide to leave, how do I navigate the guilt and fear that keep making me second-guess myself?   submitted by   /u/PersimmonWhole8362   to   r/relationshipproblems [link]   [comments]