FREDERICKTOWN, MO—In a move many residents of this tight-knit community say jeopardizes the beloved scenic hideaway, a multinational make-out conglomerate announced Tuesday that it had purchased the small town’s treasured make-out point. “Generations of us have enjoyed driving out to this secluded little perch for sucking face, and now this giant corporation wants to make it some sort of growth investment,” said longtime Fredericktown resident Diane Moseley, referring to the pledge of global cuddling concern Canoodle Inc. to boost heavy petting 40% on the bluff overlooking the St. Francis River by the end of the 2027 fiscal year. “This is an almost sacred place for us locals, but for this big out-of-town company, it’s just another strategic acquisition in their portfolio of tucked-away spots where teens can neck and maybe enjoy some over-the-bra touching. I guess that’s how the world works these days: An independent make-out point is doing fine helping teens get to second or maybe even third base, but then some greedy corporation swoops in to gobble it up.” At press time, the multinational had reportedly shuttered the make-out spot for failing to meet French-kissing targets, forcing local teens to travel to the already congested make-out spot in Poplar Bluff approximately 65 miles away.The post Small Town’s Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate appeared first on The Onion.