First: My understanding is that "Ugly" fruits and vegs is why sauces were invented. Second: Or, their might be something else going on? OP mentioned: "Then she holds up a cucumber that's slightly curved and goes "oh these are a bit odd looking aren't they". a quick search of the intertubes reveals that "Up to 20% of men have a curved penis. In most cases, this is an entirely normal variation of penile anatomy and does not cause pain or interfere with sexual function" I, myself "dress..." Well we don't have to get into THAT. So, maybe -- just maybe, the next door neighbor isn't all that, um, "experienced"?