Welcome to Rated and Slated, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.There’s a video going round this week of a guy vomiting out the window of a robotaxi in San Francisco and, frankly, I know the feeling buddy.Who wants to have their car particulate in the “robotaxi” fleet? https://t.co/gZNrCwoF0U— JC Oviedo (@JCOviedo6) May 11, 2026We’ve all been him, helplessly chundering in the darkness, carried along by an indifferent machine, which is beyond our comprehension and no longer within our control. Every day, I feel nauseous and intoxicated in equal measure as the internet spews up information like a jet of bile splashing down the side of a late night cab. Go and sleep it off, I don’t blame you. It’s like the (new twist on an) old saying—some days you’re the passenger, other days you’re the Waymo.Not got the stomach for any more scrolling? Here are a few choice chunks that I’ve scrapped off the pavement this week. ratedJACKASS GD01 Unitree Unveils: GD01, A Manned Transformable Mecha, from $650,000 The world's first production-ready manned mecha. It can transform. It's a civilian vehicle. It weighs ~500kg with you inside.Please everyone be sure to use the robot in a Friendly and Safe manner. pic.twitter.com/xa6eNiRDdV— Unitree (@UnitreeRobotics) May 12, 2026If there’s anyone who is “sure to use the robot in a Friendly and Safe manner” then it’s the cast of Jackass. I’m hoping the budget for the new movie will cover the $650,000 cost of the world’s first production-ready manned mecha. Is there still time to shoot new scenes? Johnny Knoxville receiving a ~500kg mecha knockout punch. Steve O wearing a giant mecha fart helmet. Bam crashing Gnarkill mecha through the sand dunes of the nearest golf course. If GD01 is gonna be dumb, then GD01 gotta be tough.SMOKE-FREE GENERATIONlung lung lung cancur pic.twitter.com/Eynp5fABZO— the cumpound (@TheCumpound) May 11, 2026If you know who Tung Tung Tung Sahur is then chances are you’ll never be able to legally smoke cigarettes in the United Kingdom after laws were passed banning anyone born after 2008 from buying tobacco. The idea is to make smoking extinct in the next 20 years, which doesn’t sound like long, especially when compared with the vastness of human history. Archaeologists of the future will surely unearth buried relics from our decaying society long after it’s been stubbed out like those final British cigarettes. On yanking gigantic brainrot vape pens from the soil, they will conclude that the only explanation for our feeble civilization having access to such sophisticated technology is that we were visited by alien astronauts who left behind these elaborate devices. This strange wooden figure is no less than an intergalactic God responsible for freeing humanity from the tyranny of fire.HAVING AN ARISTOCRATIC MICROPENISday 1 of trying to get an aristocratic micropenisi slept all night with an ice pack wrapped around my shaft. i made sure to put a cloth between the two as i am merely trying to induce tissue atrophy not full on frostbite necrosis. unfortunately it seems to have had the opposite… pic.twitter.com/a57nwdsoJk— 𝖒𝖔𝖌𝖌𝖎𝖓𝖌 (@wanted4mogging) April 25, 2026Your main circle might be busy discussing the best methods of ballmaxxing right now, but you won’t want to sleep on having an aristocratic micropenis. Anyone can inject their scrotum with surgical lubricant or saline solution until their nut sack is bigger than a mango. A true sign of sophistication is having a penis so small that it would be a waste of a fig leaf trying to cover it up.OLD MONEY FACE View this post on Instagram Meanwhile, it appears that the ultimate flex is, in fact, being so ugly that you’re basically shadow banned. So while everyone is wasting their money on plastic surgery, I’m going to get an Old Money Face so everyone knows that I’m no longer interested in optimizing my entire existence for visibility on social media. I’ll be smashing my nose with a croquet mallet and burning my face on the candelabra until I’m finally “above the algorithm.” There won’t be any photographs on Instagram, but I’ve hired a great portrait artist to document the entire process.STAVROS HALKIAS FOR BOND View this post on Instagram This isn’t something that could ever actually happen, but what better way to update pop culture’s favourite spy franchise than to make James Bond one of the hosts of a dirtbag left podcast? 007 would no doubt fit in, spending every episode bragging about his sexual conquests and talking about saving the world. Giving away all those state secrets might be a security issue, if anyone with the power to actually do something in the world ever listened to a single episode of Cum Town.HEARTBREAK HEDONISM“I don’t believe in analysis, I believe in revenge”—these aren’t necessarily the words of a wise man, but when it comes to debauched lust, London literary impresario Paul Johnathan certainly knows what he’s talking about. I assume Paul (who runs the Deleted Scenes reading series in Soho) would be into the psychosexual camp of Orchid’s new single “DRIP,” which she describes as a “breakneck night-drive through the 6th stage of grief: cold-blooded revenge.” Orchid went on a trip to Benidorm for the music video, which shows that it’s true what they say: if someone’s wronged you, don’t get mad, get your bikini on and go ride a mechanical bull in a Mediterranean seafront bar. A SHOCKING RED MAY View this post on Instagram So you’re in Venice to restore a church following the accidental death of your daughter when you spot a small figure wearing a red coat like the one she was wearing when she drowned. You give chase through the winding streets and along the ancient canals, eventually ending up in the Giardini della Biennale. There you spot the mysterious figure playing a DJ set in her little red outfit (by Bottega Veneta). Don’t Look Now but it’s only bloody Björk!slatedTRAVIS SCOTT, THE BARD(desperate history teacher turning their chair around backwards voice) https://t.co/UrqhA42Sx7— john (@johnsemley3000) May 12, 2026“Think I’m shitting on you, but I barely farted,” proclaims Odysseus after dispatching the hundred suitors who were bidding to marry his wife Penelope while he was away on his epic quest. Finally, the couple are reunited after 20 years—and though they are older, their love is far from diminished. “Cougar, 45,” Odysseus mutters to himself as he climbs into their marital bed. “Fuck her ’til she die, yeah (It’s lit).”TRYING TO FIX IGGY POP’S POSTURE View this post on Instagram Some people have so little taste for danger that their first reaction to seeing a 79-year-old man throwing his scoliotic skeleton around a stage is to prescribe a series of stretches to try and fix his posture. You might be a self-proclaimed biomechanics expert, but until the Godfather of Punk has stage-dived his denim crotch right into your face, do you really understand what the human body is actually capable of? You might not like it, but this is what Raw Power looks like.THE ONE WITH THE ANABOLIC STEROIDS View this post on Instagram I don’t know what’s more unrealistic, the vision of adulthood sold through the TV show Friends—living in New York, hanging around coffee shops, never really working—or the fitness influencer image of the ideal male body, with a year-round six-pack, and biceps bigger than a 40-disc DVD box set. In reality, being a “grown-up” means sitting alone in a La-Z-Boy, chugging protein shakes because you can’t afford groceries, while watching videos of what Chandler and the gang would look like if they were on gear, generated by someone called Ai-NDREY. Now, who knows where I can buy a BING GOES HARD workout vest?BEING A POLLENCUCKwhat's the manosphere's stance on hayfever? they probably think you're a pollencuck right?— Aidan James (@mcandidate) May 12, 2026I used to be a pollencuck, but after years of Piritongooning I got quercetinpilled and qu-chi-bandmogged, as well as nosebalmmaxxing and now I’m a sneezeless chad. I hate to talk like this, I really do, but I’m trying to help you and this is the only way anyone seems able to consume information these days.GUANTANAMO BAE View this post on Instagram We’ve all got friends who are so overcommitted to their relationships that it basically takes an extraordinary rendition to get them to hang, but that doesn’t mean that when you’re together it should look like a CIA black site with actual waterboarding—clearly they already view romance as a kind of emotional Jihad (with 72 virgins waiting in the endless afterlife of their deleted search history) and all you’re gonna do is radicalise them even further. PAINTER KOMBATPainter Kombat: Pablo Picasso vs Van Gogh pic.twitter.com/4DWOfwweRD— SuperSisi (@SuperSisi) April 27, 2026When it comes to art, I’ve spent the last few years in Mortal Kombat with artificial intelligence. Technologists seem to believe that the individuals responsible for the greatest acts of self-expression the world has ever known are as interchangeable as the characters on a video game selection screen. But I would argue that, while a computer’s execution of the combos might be so precise that the moves of even the greatest master look like button bashing, true art requires a human hand—for it is necessarily an expression of what it means to be alive. Well, the billionaire nerds who own the arcade have just finished me off by serving up an AI video of Vincent van Gogh fighting Pablo Picasso, which has ripped what’s left of a soul from my body. FATALITY!MARIO IS BREAKING BADMAN NINTENDO ALWAYS TURNING DOWN FAN MADE PROJECTS https://t.co/wz5THkjCdz— Adri (@AdriWindGB) May 12, 2026Ay!! I cook a da crystal!! I make a Mamma tweak!! Ohhh!! That’s a spicy meth head!! No arresto.Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoiThe post Things We Hate and Love Online This Week appeared first on VICE.