Have you ever gotten into an argument with your partner while physically apart, unable to find time for a phone call or in-person discussion, so you resort to fighting via text? Yeah, apparently, there’s a term for that—fexting—and therapists have mixed opinions on it.What Is Fexting?Fexting is exactly what it sounds like: fighting via text. Many couples opt for this method of arguing, whether because they’re in a long-distance dynamic, are conflict-avoidant, or simply prefer communicating their feelings over text. According to Dr. Jasmonae Joyriel, licensed clinical psychologist, sex therapist, and founder of Ignite Anew, fexting isn’t necessarily a negative habit, but the intentions behind it matter.“It can be a tool to slow down and connect or a weapon to terrorize and destroy,” she says. “When used as a tool to slow the argument down, collect your thoughts, and distance yourself from your reactivity and insecurities, ‘fexting’ can be an effective way to do that. However, when it is weaponized to cross boundaries and deploy your arsenal of personal attacks, it’s not only ineffective but also detrimental to the relationship as a whole.”Additionally, fexting opens the door for miscommunication and reactivation. “With fexting in particular, the longer the exchange goes, the more likely each person is reacting to their own interpretation (rather than what the other person actually meant),” Cheryl Groskopf, holistic therapist specializing in attachment, anxiety, and trauma at Evolution to Healing Psychotherapy. “Another thing I want to add about fexting: it’s WAY TOO EASY to reread the same message over and over, which keeps the nervous system totally activated instead of allowing it to move through the emotion. And once BOTH people are in protection mode, the conversation shifts from connection to self-preservation—and empathy pretty much gets thrown out the window.”When to Engage in ‘Fexting’Sometimes, fighting over text can actually help prevent reactive statements and heightened emotions, as it gives couples time to pause and reflect before speaking. If you feel too heated for an in-person conversation or a phone call, yet don’t want to leave your partner hanging without one, you might consider fexting instead of ignoring them completely.“The benefit can be that it slows the fight down when engaged with properly,” says Joyriel. “It can force you to reflect on what you really want to communicate and allow space for someone to receive the message without feeling pressured to respond immediately or to reflexively protect their experience.”However, according to Groskopf, fexting is only beneficial if it supports regulation rather than replaces connection.“Writing gives some people enough space to organize their thoughts and slow down before responding (which can prevent saying something they’ll regret in the heat of the moment),” she says. “It can also help someone communicate something vulnerable if they’re afraid they’ll shut down IRL.”Tips for ‘Fexting’ When Long-DistanceIf you must rely on fexting, whether due to long-distance relationship struggles or differing schedules, be sure to approach it with care. While it might be easier to calm your frustration before responding, it’s also easy to send text after text, unleashing your anger without thinking. To avoid this, take time crafting more intentional messages.“Write your response in a notes app first. Read it three times out loud before deciding to send,” Joyriel says. “Ask yourself what you want them to take away from this message. Does it feel like it does that effectively? If you find that after sending a few texts back and forth, it’s not landing how you desire or the fight is escalating, stop texting and ask for a call.”The post Why ‘Fexting’ With Your Partner Could Actually Be a Good Thing, According to Therapists appeared first on VICE.