Joanna Angel’s Punk Butt FleshlightFleshlight.comOnlyFans.com/JoannaAngelRATING: 100What’s the old saying? “Keep your friends close and your friends’ buttholes closer?”Those words come to mind every time my dear friend and adult industry trailblazer, Joanna Angel, asks me to hold her phone and film her inserting things into her ass. I’ve cherished and held our bond (and Joanna’s butthole) sacred for more than a quarter century now and these last few years, as we both navigated brutal divorces, she’s been an unrelenting beacon of light in the darkness.Most recently, in an attempt to help free me from self-imposed imprisonment inside my home, Joanna has insisted that I spend my Thursdays with her in her Manhattan apartment, under the false pretense that she, “Needs my help,” with work. She doesn’t really need my help, or anyone else’s. She’s a completely self-sufficient, creative dynamo who writes, lights, films, and edits all of her own content. Yet each week I play along with the charade, because I know it is coming from a place of love.Over the last few months, I’ve been able to add producer, director, lighting tech, sound engineer, camera operator, screenwriter, PA, and squirt-mopper to the list of skills on my resume thanks to Joanna. My “work” days begin immediately upon my arrival at her luxurious, high rise pad, which overlooks our motherland of New Jersey, with a review of an Excel spreadsheet of custom videos that Joanna’s fans have purchased. The requests range from short and basic (“Play with your pussy and include my name”), to Findom and FemDom, to CEI (Cum Eating Instructions), to JOIs (Jerk Off Instructional, which I’ve learned will be refused by the fan if Joanna doesn’t include a 10-second countdown at the end of the video. “How am I supposed to know when to cum???” one fan remarked over email). Then there’s the increasingly popular SPHs (Small Penis Humiliations), which Joanna could teach a masterclass in.Some SPHs take no effort at all due to the shocking sight of some of the submissions. I’ve seen bellybuttons bigger than those pathetic nubs! But regardless of size, Joanna denigrates them with the same amount of effort, putting her degree from Rutgers University to work in language far more flowery and hilarious than I am capable of. I struggled to contain my laughter so much during the first few SPHs I filmed that Joanna began including me in the edits, from off camera, asking me to “Look how sad and embarrassing this tiny dick is,” which allows me to laugh out loud all I want. She also receives very, very specific requests (teaching men how to suck big, black cocks, or marriage proposal requests, which include squirting into champagne glasses to toast the union). Joanna and Chris, Image courtesy of chris.Whatever the request, Joanna makes it all very entertaining for me. It’s like a one-woman vaudeville show that she turns up a few notches to see how much I can handle before bursting out laughing. I know there’s a kink for everything, but I think we might have invented something entirely new: Comedic Domination.I am weak and Mistress Joanna knows it; she breaks me every time. Luckily, most customs are generally one to five minutes in length. I usually can hold it in just long enough to not ruin the take. Although one time I was filming a five-minute custom that was more of stand-up comedy routine than a butt fuck/blow job tutorial. Joanna saw the tears rolling down my face, biting a hole through my lip not to laugh. Instead of easing up on the jokes she started to time her punchlines with her dildo thrusts, each push and joke hitting harder than the last, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I, literally, pissed in my pants and fell over laughing. I apologized for ruining the edit. She laughed, said she’d edit that part out, and went and fetched me the manliest pair of tight pink panties she owned, handed them to me to change into and went off to wash the lube out of her ass, all the while basking in the glory of her ability to make me crack. My urine-soaked briefs were her equivalent of a standing ovation at the Oscars. I now bring a change of clothes on Thursdays.“When I watch her magically fit multiple massive objects in every orifice of her petite 4’11” frame I get a sense of stoke, much the same way I do when a friend lands a mind-blowing skate trick”Over the course of our long and storied platonic relationship, there has never, ever been any sexual weirdness or tension between us. She was friends with my ex-wife, who knew I would never step out on her with Joanna or anyone. I’ve watched Joanna put three men’s cocks in her ass and one in her mouth, all at once. (Maybe even one in her vagina? I can’t recall. Anything more than an eight ball pile up and I lose count.) She allowed me to pretend to put my entire arm up her ass for my old VICE Skinema web series. She also allowed us to film her giving me a butt naked lap dance for the show, while we talked about how my kids were doing in school. We did a podcast together where she was always naked and she never wears any clothes on my Thursday visits. I’ve been inches away from her fuzzy britches and tiny butthole more times than I can count, and yet, not once have I ever viewed her in a sexual light. Granted, there’s no denying her beauty, talent, and business prowess, but when I watch her magically fit multiple massive objects in every orifice of her petite 4’11” frame I get a sense of stoke, much the same way I do when a friend lands a mind-blowing skate trick on a huge handrail. She’s won every award possible, including Most Outrageous Sex Scene, and over the years has been inducted into every adult industry Hall of Fame that exists; I always well up with happiness for her, as any friend would.“If God wanted us to fuck fake buttholes, he would’ve put Fleshlights at the end of our wrists instead of hands”I say all this to reiterate that I’ve never wondered or asked, “What that mouth do, girl?” So, you can imagine my surprise when, after 25 years, last Thursday Joanna said, “I want you to fuck my ass, Chris.” I was stunned. I didn’t know how to react. I like to think I responded as any gentleman would, “Can I please set my bag down and take my coat off first?” Once I settled in, my autistic mind started calculating how long it had been since I shaved my balls and fretting over whether I’d even be able remember how to, “Make fuck, BEZERKER.” I asked her to repeat herself. She said, “I was thinking for your new VICE column, you could fuck my butthole Fleshlight.” Right. Naturally. Of course, that’s what she meant. Only a fool would misinterpret her initial wording any other way.I told her I’d gladly take her butthole Fleshlight home with me for my mantle, but I was not going to fuck it. I’m old school. I handle my business the old fashion way. If God wanted us to fuck fake buttholes, he would’ve put Fleshlights at the end of our wrists instead of hands. Joanna insisted that I fuck it in the name of journalism. I said, “In 25 years I haven’t thought about fucking your real asshole, Joanna, I’m not going to be comfortable with fucking your fake asshole. BUT! I will stick my finger in your fake asshole, for comedy’s sake. As the closest to sex we’ll ever get.”Friends, I really wish I hadn’t. Because Joanna’s Fleshlight butthole felt really good. Like, REALLY GOOD! And now I can’t help but constantly wonder what her real butthole feels like. Don’t tell her I said that. I hope she doesn’t read this…The post Reviewing My Best Friend’s Butthole Fleshlight, for Journalism appeared first on VICE.