WASHINGTON—Aiming to cut costs after a poor fiscal quarter, Washington National Opera general director Timothy O’Leary announced plans Monday to lay off 200 phantoms effective immediately. “In these difficult times, we can no longer afford to keep all the ghastly, mysterious men who haunt our catacombs on this organization’s payroll,” said O’Leary, who expressed regret that the personnel reduction was happening at a time when job openings for egomaniacal opera ghouls were at a historic low. “As much as we appreciate the contributions of these disfigured geniuses, the strain placed upon our balance sheet by rising insurance premiums for phantoms who scramble around on catwalks, as well as the cost of their masks and the candelabras needed to decorate vast and ornate subterranean lairs has left us with no other choice. And while no one doubts the passion of these phantoms, their increased acts of violence and terrorism on our productions have also created a toxic work environment.” O’Leary added that with fewer phantoms on staff, his organization hoped to finally prevent a chandelier from crashing to the ground during every performance.The post National Opera Lays Off 200 Phantoms appeared first on The Onion.