I.Will and his brother, Butch, lived under the same roof for 23 years without it ever dawning on either of them that living together was what they did. This was in Will’s house in Montana. Butch called it “Will’s house,” not “our house,” even after 23 years. At some point that Will could not remember, Butch stopped living out of his suitcase and got himself a chest of drawers and apparently—though Will didn’t notice them for some time—houseplants. It was by default that they raised a child together. When Will’s son, Cal, was small, he loved his Uncle Butch as much as he loved his father, and later, when Cal was grown, far more. But the feelings between the two brothers were not so clearly defined. Not until Butch was suddenly dead did Will realize he felt anything for his brother at all. When Butch died, feelings Will had never known came so swiftly and with such force that they swept him off his feet.On the day after Butch died, Will stood on the covered porch holding a cup of lukewarm coffee and looking out at the small pasture where his two white horses grazed. The fence ran right along Nine Mile Road, and across that road was another house with another small acreage that had been home to goats and lambs and chickens over the years. It was early February but the air already smelled like spring, the sunlight both bright and bashful. Everywhere the snow was melting. It streamed down from the eaves in a sparkling curtain, a curtain between himself and the world as it had been: Butch in the pasture tossing a ball for Cal’s sheepdog, Liddie. Butch standing there in his plaid pajamas, sneaking sugar cubes to Rambler and Snowy. Butch muttering the same tired joke to them, morning after morning: Hey there, old horse, why the long face?Will sucked in an abrupt sob, shocking himself. Who would have guessed that Butch—Butch—could inspire such feelings in anyone, let alone the man who had spent 23 years waiting for his brother to leave. Will had not expected that at age 58, he would lose the person he had come to depend on most in his life. He hadn’t believed he’d found that person yet. How disappointing to realize it was his brother. His shy, fat, hairy-backed, hovering baby brother, who stacked antique books by the bathroom sink and who taped handwritten geological labels to common rocks and who ate ham for “no more than two meals” each day. (He often announced his ham-less meal, as if he felt Will should praise him for it.) Butch had been little more than a clattering irritation at the edges of Will’s life.Though not at the edges, it turns out. The center.Will was appalled at the extreme nature of his grief. Blubbering into his coffee cup. Hugging a pillow in the night as though it were Butch. Most pathetic of all was when he choked up at the sight of a toilet plunger. They had fought about Butch losing the plunger. “It’s just like you to lose a plunger!” Will had yelled. “Ah, piss off,” Butch had said softly, with a good-natured wave of his hand. Though he hadn’t admitted to losing the plunger, Butch had gone out and bought a new one. Will didn’t know until he found it in Butch’s car in a Walmart bag, a week after Butch had died.Nothing of Butch’s could he bear to look at, and so he got rid of it all. He donated Butch’s shoes and his clothes and his rock collection. Even his old Jeep Cherokee he gave away for nothing. But once these things were gone, he mourned them too.Will was not usually ashamed of his feelings. He had loved deeply in his life, passionately. He had loved Cal’s mother, Sarah, with all his heart when they were married. No, what shamed him now was the discovery that it was all too late. How stupid did you have to be to love someone only once he’s dead?The houseplants, too. They had been there in plain sight for who knows how long, days at least but possibly decades, and Will had never noticed them. His eyes had skipped over them a thousand times a day. There was one on the piano. One on top of the cabinets in the kitchen. One on Butch’s nightstand. Houseplants need to be seen in order to be watered. Butch’s plants dried up and died a few weeks after Butch did. Will only saw them in the end because they were ugly, withered, and brown. He threw them out. Not until then did he realize they had once been green, and not until Butch was gone did love become the name for what had prevailed in that house for 23 years.“I can’t be in this city any longer. There’s nowhere I can go that she’s not haunting me. She’s everywhere.”Will’s son, Cal, was on the phone again. The city in question was Los Angeles and the “she” was Genevieve, Cal’s only-ever girlfriend and the love of his life. She had broken up with him just days before Butch died.“Time will help,” Will found himself saying to his 30-year-old son, sighing, looking out the window at the hailstones the sky had dropped just moments before on the clover lawn. It had always been Butch who endured these calls with Cal, but with Butch gone, the phone still rang and there was nobody else to answer it. “You just need time. Time is the only thing that helps.” The stale sentiment was true of the phone call, too; Will needed 15 minutes to pass before he could reasonably say he had to go.“I quit my job,” Cal said. “If I ever have to shoot another terrible movie, I’ll shoot myself instead.”“Ah, Cal.”But Cal was like this. He probably had not quit his job. He definitely would not be leaving L.A. “I’d rather kill myself” was his favorite hyperbole. He was worse since Genevieve had left him but he’d always been dramatic. Will braced himself for getting through the rest of the conversation. He looked out at his two white horses, the hailstones matted in their manes. Not really white horses, he saw now. Against the hail their coats were yellow-cream. He watched the blackbirds bother his yellow horses.“Dad? I was thinking it might be good if I came to live with you awhile.”A shock, these words. Will was so mortified that he could hardly speak.“What would you do for work?” he managed.“Anything,” said Cal. “I’ll get a job at a gas station or a grocery store. In 10 years, I don’t think I’ve made a single creative decision. I’m done making work into the meaning of my life. Anyway, you might need some company. It must be … ” hard. But he choked up at the near mention of his uncle and didn’t go on.No, Will did not want company. Especially not his son’s. His grief was hard enough to bear alone, but in Cal’s company he’d have to hide the extreme nature of it. He’d have to defer to Cal’s own grief and bitterness, and he didn’t have the energy to do that. The idea of his sullen son as a permanent visitor in his house was more than Will could bear. He looked out again at his horses. The hail was gone from their manes and his epiphany had vanished, too: His horses were white.This was his son. His only son. What else could he say?Cal moved in a week later.As a boy, Cal had been defensive and fragile and arrogant all at once, desperate to be liked and yet quick to call people stupid if they didn’t know Greek mythology or film history—his only two interests and the litmus test of everyone else’s intelligence, including his father’s.When he was small, Cal spent the school year with Sarah in Oregon, but he spent his summers with Will and Butch in Montana. Then, after Sarah remarried and had twin boys, summer and school were switched at Cal’s insistence. His younger half brothers in Oregon were sneaky, reckless bullies, and so, again at Cal’s insistence, and again without any argument from Sarah, he spent less of his summer in Oregon and more of it in Montana, until his summers with his mother lasted only a couple of weeks.All throughout his high-school years, only Butch could draw Cal out of Cal. It was easy to love someone not your father and for that someone to love a son not really his son. That was all right with Will; the two of them could have each other. Secretly, he found Cal to be an unpleasant child. Sulky and combative. Even the way he looked was unfortunate. A snub nose. Large, ever-wounded eyes that might have been beautiful except for their shine of accusation.Butch and Cal spent hours together watching old films and discussing them. Cal insisted he was going to be a famous director, and Butch, innocent to a fault, genuinely believed that this would be so. Butch deferred to his nephew’s cinematic opinions and spoke of Cal worshipfully to his film-buff dentist.In Butch’s company, Will could talk to Cal too. Could get along with him okay. But if Butch ever left the room, his empty chair stupefied father and son. Butch was the necessary string between their two sad tin cans.Cal met Genevieve when he was 27 years old and for the first time in his life seemed truly happy. They lived together in L.A. but made the trip to Montana every few months with Liddie. For three wonderful years, Will and Butch had loved Genevieve like a daughter. She loved them too. Her devotion to them was such that she’d felt the need to call them the day she broke up with Cal. Butch had put her on speaker and the two men had leaned in close. She was crying. “I will always love you both and I hope you can forgive me,” she said.“We do, of course we forgive you,” said Will.But Butch said nothing to Genevieve except “Take care.” For Butch, who was ever affable, eager to please, this stoic “Take care” was damning. After they hung up, Will chastised his brother. “You made her feel worse than she already does.”“That’s our boy whose heart she broke,” said Butch. “And you couldn’t wait to forgive her.”It was only four days after that phone call that Butch was struck by a car on his morning walk, less than a mile from their home. He died with the tragedy of Genevieve fresh in his heart.Will and Cal were 58 and 30 when Cal moved into the house in Nine Mile, Montana, where he’d spent most of his childhood. There, the two men began to live side by side respectfully. Love existed, but it was old and stale and trapped under a lot of debris. Cal got a job working the night shift at a grocery store in Missoula, stocking shelves. He came home and slept until the afternoon. Will tried to be quiet while Cal was asleep, but he resented having to be so careful in his own house. He’d regarded Butch so little all those years that he never cared about annoying him. But with Cal, he felt on edge.Once a week, the two men had dinner together. While they ate, they asked each other a few polite questions about work. Aside from Liddie, who lived with Genevieve now, Cal had never liked animals or the outdoors, which was why it came as a surprise one day when Cal suggested they spend some time together in the woods. “I have the day off tomorrow. What do you say we go to the honey hole?”Butch had loved foraging for morels. He had loved poaching them in butter and spreading them on white bread, eating them with a side of ham. They’d all gone out together a lot when Cal was a boy, and now Cal wanted to pay tribute to his uncle by foraging without him. Will hated the idea, but he couldn't find a way to say no. The next day, they got out of the truck near the Cyr exit. The sky drizzled rain. They scrambled around the honey hole, searching the ground. This particular place, where years before they had found dozens of mushrooms, was just over the shoulder of the freeway, down a steep bank littered with dead leaves, deer ribs, and beer bottles. Searching for those fungal snouts poking up from the rank, disturbed soil, they were both thinking what a pathetic monument this was to the person they loved most. They didn’t find a single one.They returned to the truck, defeated, yet elated in their defeat for what it accomplished for them both—a flaring up of old grudges and fat despair inside their hearts. They blamed each other silently. Will blamed Cal for the idea; Cal, Will for indulging it; both of them the other for not being the one dead. In the truck, the air felt to Will bruised and heavy, as if they had spoken words they would never be able to take back.In truth, not a single hurtful word had been spoken. Will had no idea what Cal was thinking, and for all he knew Cal might have found the experience cathartic. They drove in silence most of the way and spoke only politely if they spoke at all.After that, they burrowed into their separate lives and did not eat a meal together for some time.And so it was that Will began leaving earlier and earlier for work, just to be alone. His work with cattle and horses brought him all over western Montana, to Seeley Lake and Lolo, Victor and Drummond. He drove past countryside long familiar to him but made brittle and strange by Butch’s passing, and he tried to know it again, tried to see it as he once had. A few times, he put on some music, but music hurt. Beauty was sharper now that Butch was gone; it was sharper and more painful and, in this awful way, was suddenly everywhere. Everywhere he looked, beauty. And why did it have to be like that? Why did the Clark Fork have to shine as it did, why did the trees insist on holding the rain in their boughs and dropping veils of mist on the freeway banks? Why did the osprey alight on only the highest trees?The March day of Butch’s birthday came and went without a single comment from either man. They kept their distance from each other’s grief. Cal spent his days asleep and his nights working. Will spent most of his free time on the road. He did not visit the white cross the American Legion had staked into the ground a mile from his house four months before, in memory of Butch. If Cal put a flower there or hung a wreath, Will didn’t know; he hadn’t driven past the cross since it went up. He went out of his way not to.But on Butch’s birthday, Will cleared a newborn calf’s lungs. He blew into one nostril and held the other closed until the dappled chest rose with both breaths, his and the calf’s own. He wiped the stuck-shut eye with a wet rag to free the lid from its amniotic eyelash prison. It opened to Will and to the sky.He didn’t ask Cal what he’d done to mark his uncle’s birthday. But he must have done something; he had the day off and yet was nowhere to be found.Then one day, Will drove out toward Cyr on an emergency call to see to a pony with an infection in its jaw. He was on the freeway, headed west, when something happened, something that took his breath away and set him trembling. A profound feeling of urgency and doom came over him.He took the first exit he came to, the exit for Mary Creek Road. But he did not stop driving.Somebody was in danger. That was the feeling he had. Frightening and insistent, impossible yet certain, a feeling more powerful than knowledge. He drove on toward this feeling, as if the source of it were a physical place, somewhere up ahead, somewhere pulling him toward it. He flew down Mary Creek Road, on either side of which were rocky driveways that led to homes he couldn't see. He came to a place where the road widened. It was as if the feeling said Here, and he stopped the truck and opened the door and stumbled out. He held out his hand and touched the eroded bank.The bank was too steep to climb, and this was how he knew to climb it.No one drove by. No one saw the desperate way he clawed up that scree to nowhere, gripping loose soil and sandy snow in his fists, collapsing many times onto his hands and knees. Dead knapweed and brown, broken mullein stalks and snags burned years before. By the time he reached a flatter place, he was gasping. He stopped. The feeling stopped. Or rather it paused, waiting.He could see the wet, black road far beneath him. His truck with the door still open. There was nothing, no one. He could have seen these facts from down on the road. He called, “Anyone here?” Then he cleared his throat and called louder, so he could be sure, “Anyone? Are you hurt? Is there anyone here?”No one.He looked around him, confused, trembling. But the urgency was gone. The feeling had vanished. He could barely remember the intensity that he had felt a moment before–or maybe he could remember, but not believe. He felt like laughing with relief.What was he doing here? How disquieting, now, this normalcy.He slid most of the way back down, navigating the soil with his hands and heels. Once at the truck, he brushed himself off. He got in, his legs shaky, and he drove back to the freeway, onward to the septic pony.It wasn’t until he was driving away that his mind cleared enough to understand, and for days afterward, whenever he remembered the hillside on Mary Creek Road, whenever he remembered following the feeling to its end, he remembered something else too. A day from long ago, a day that he had put out of his mind for decades. And when he thought of it, he felt a pure and inexplicable happiness he had believed he would never feel again.II.It had happened once before, 51 years ago.One warm October morning, when he was 7 and Butch was 3, they’d accompanied their father to a horse ranch. Their father was a large-animal vet, like Will was now, but unlike Will, he was also an equine chiropractor. That morning, he had been called upon to heal an Appaloosa. A sore tooth, left untreated, had caused the mare to favor one side of her mouth, which, in turn, had misaligned her vertebrae. The injury required several adjustments to the spine.Butch had fallen asleep in the truck on the way and so they left him there with the windows rolled down, the truck in view of the barn where they worked. Beside the wounded Appaloosa was a friendly bay roan, there to keep the Appaloosa calm.Will was very careful not to get in the way of his father and the rancher. He stood off to the side with solemn attention, and obeyed any order his father was kind enough to remember to give him. Meanwhile, his father walked round and round the mare, pressing gently along her spine. Then he put his palms firmly on either side of her jaw. He steadied her, spoke to her kindly, and then jerked her head violently to one side.That was when it happened. At this sudden movement of the horse, Will dropped the Folgers can of grain that he was holding and grasped his father’s coat and pulled. His father looked at him—What is it?But in his shock at the strength of this wordless feeling, all that Will could do was point at the grassy hill that rose behind them. There was nothing to see, but somehow his father understood.They rode together astride the bay roan. Away from the bewildered rancher calling out in surprise, away from the Appaloosa. Will’s heart was beating at his father’s chest, and his father’s was beating at Will’s back, and the only thing that mattered now was finding Butch. They knew, without knowing, that Butch was no longer in the truck.When they reached the top of the hill and they saw him down on the other side, Will looked up at his father. Though he had no clear view of the man’s face, he later remembered it nonetheless: shock-white, stricken, fearful, shattered with relief. Down at the bottom of the hill, Butch was sitting in the grass among a dozen or more stallions. One stallion stood so close to him that Butch could have reached up and pulled his tail.It is the name “Butch” that Will hears his father call out in panic in his memory, but what his father would have called was “Jack,” a quick, clean name so unsuitable to the clumsy, chubby boy who carried it that it had ceased to exist even in memories. The nickname Butch, acquired years later, had moved backward in Butch’s life and had become his name long before it ever was.Butch! Butch!Butch looked up, surrounded by stallions.Their father dismounted, went down on foot, climbed the fence his son had crawled under. Had he not scooped the boy up in his arms just when he did, Butch would have been trampled or kicked. That was the feeling Will had had; he recognized it the moment he saw his brother, he recognized that he had seen this happen in his mind when he had first pulled his father’s coat, though he hadn’t known at the time that’s what he’d seen.With Butch in his arms, their father came up the hill and demanded Will tell him how he knew his brother was down there.“I don’t know how I knew, I just knew!”“You didn’t see him leave the truck?”“No, sir.”His father believed him. The man looked at the small boy in his arms. “Those horses down there aren’t broke,” he said firmly. “Any one of them could have killed you. You remember this day. This was the day your brother saved your life.”Butch turned in his father’s arms to look at Will. In Butch’s eyes, a deep, ageless clarity, as if he were seeing his big brother for the first time. A vast and lovely and eerie calm fell over them. They looked at each other with amazement. A great trick had been played on them, and they felt special to have been the people chosen for it. Death! No, not death: Life! That was all it amounted to, a trick.They walked down the hill together—Butch in his father’s arms, Will on the horse. Even she seemed to sense the holiday air through which they moved. Will leaned into her as he rode; he grasped at her and hugged her close, felt her mane at his lips, breathed in the smell of her, astonished by his own pride. Tears were in his eyes. He looked at his father. Tears were in his eyes, too. His father kissed Butch’s cheek as Will had never seen him do before, and yet he knew the kiss was meant for him. He received it in himself with an anguish of love that burned his cheeks. It would have been too much to receive the kiss directly. It was a relief to have it go through Butch.Down at the bottom of the hill, four aspen trees by the barn flashed the lighter sides of their leaves and then flashed back, a silent laughter.Their father set Butch down and tied up the horse. He lifted Will off the horse and then he knelt in front of him. Will could smell the hay and sweat and chew of him. His gentle hands were cold and rough around his own. “You listen to your gut, young man. You pay attention in your life. There’s something rare in you.”“Yes, sir.”Will put his hand on his heart, a vow. Here, today, he had confirmed the power that he was only now old enough to wield but that had been there all along, keeping him, and people he loved, alive.He would pay attention in his life. He would listen to his instincts. He would close his eyes and know the world without seeing it.There was something rare in him.He believed he would feel it for all time.When they arrived home, the boys’ mother came out to greet them. Their father, who had not spoken the whole way home, got out of the truck and before he shut the door was already telling their mother the story. He spoke about the rescue as Will had never heard him speak before, with a mixture of happiness and desperation. His eyes were wide, his words fast. The boys climbed out of the truck and gaped at him.The words he said—beautiful, unfathomable words made even stranger by the simple tone of his father’s voice. Clairvoyance, premonition, telepathy. Will didn’t know their meanings, but he could intuit their power from their sounds. Premonition, like the wind that whips through forest fires; clairvoyance, like a ship about to rupture in a storm; and most beautiful of all, second sight, which Will heard as a single word, sekkintsite, like a magician summoning through the grass his thousand faithful snakes.And then Will realized with alarm: He is saying these words about me.Quite suddenly he wanted the words unsaid. Beautiful or not, their strangeness displaced him.Displaced his father, too. He wanted his dad back the way he was, his normal dad, not this wide-eyed man speaking too fast. He wanted himself back, too. He stood there for a moment, dazed, while his mother showered him in praise and his father laughed with relief and his brother beamed. On Butch’s face, a fearless look of worship.“That’s not what happened,” Will said. He said it before he knew what he was saying. He could not stop himself. “I saw him get out of the truck and go up that hill. I just didn’t tell anybody at first.”He had never lied in his life. And where had it come from, this terrible lie that served only to ruin him? He was aware that he was undoing the best thing he’d ever done in his life and that he’d never be able to get it back, he’d never now be able to say the truth and be believed.Two powers were unveiled that day. The first, quite truly special. To sense, to feel, to save. That power had been real and rare and might have changed them all forever, had he let it. He had seen glimpses of this change in his father’s kiss on Butch’s cheek,his mother’s joy, his brother’s look of worship. Treasures, unspeakably precious treasures. Burning in his hands. Far too precious to hold on to long.The second power, to ruin, was commonplace. Everybody had it. It could be used at any time. Yet this was the power that he had not been able to resist.His father was embarrassed. “Will, I saw your face! You couldn’t have … ” But it was over. His father saw that arguing with him was futile. He pretended to laugh it off.Hours later, after the evening chores were complete and he and Will were standing in the barn, he said to Will, quietly, “Why’d you have me believe all that hogwash?” He showed no anger when he asked this question; he was too ashamed of himself for having gotten carried away with a fantasy.Already, Will was devastated by regret. But he stayed silent in the barn, knowing that the lie he had told was far less beautiful than the truth, and so it was the lie that would be believed.A month later he awoke with a deep pain in his belly he’d never known before. He ran to the bathroom and threw up into the toilet. Then he returned to his bed, shivering. He felt in his body a deep pain that he knew with certainty to be the final death of the power that had saved his brother. He had killed it with his lie.He lay in bed that quiet November morning, listening to the sounds of his family in the house, his teeth chattering slightly as if he were with fever.The diagnosis was appendicitis. After four days in the hospital, he came home, the pain excised. He was all right. But never again did he feel the closeness of a catastrophe that he alone had the power to halt.He didn’t speak of the event to anyone. Not to Sarah, or Cal, or Butch, or his father. People went on dying as people do—his mother and his father, both, eventually, and now Butch—and it never occurred to him that he might stop it.III.A meadow in Bonner. A deer trail near Evaro. The parking lot of an abandoned storehouse in Huson. The feeling, which had lain dormant for 51 years, called him to these places. Again and again, he was seized by the nearness of someone else’s tragedy, and he followed the feeling as far as it would take him. Each time, he felt as frightened as he had as a child.After Mary Creek, the second time it happened was a week or so later, at a farm in Clinton. His work was done and he was leaving. He got to the main road and was about to head toward home, but the feeling came. He turned his truck around like a madman, dust swirling, and he followed the driveway almost back to the farmhouse. He stopped where the road dipped down into the cottonwoods. There, he got out, calling into the leafy shadows, “Anyone! Hello?”The feeling slipped quietly away. Again, he felt almost lightheaded with relief.After that, it happened nearly every drive he took. No matter if he was pressed for time, no matter the terrain, he followed the feeling to its end.Butch’s death had emptied his life of all other meaning. Every time the feeling returned, that day on the horse ranch returned, too. Details he had long forgotten played out in perfect clarity—the bay roan, the green hill, Butch in the shifting shades of the stallions. His father’s kiss, for him, on Butch’s cheek.He could feel his childhood now like a whisper in his mind. That singular day when he knew. Nurture this knowing with attention, and it will grow. Take the freeway exits you’ve never taken before, look for signs in the roadway ditches, scour the puddles for a tremble on the water that speaks some truth that only you can hear. Trespass through a farmer’s fields. Climb half-fallen fences. Follow your intuition down dirt roads, then stop in a sudden nowhere. Stand in that nowhere and call out, at the top of your lungs, to no one.On an unnamed road near Arlee, he turned abruptly at the railroad tracks. He drove fast, out behind the casino on a gravel road, the feeling pressing him on. Then, when some orange cones stopped him, he got out and he ran. He ran as quickly as he could, leaving the gravel road and cutting through a blooming field. When he came to a new development of unoccupied, identical homes, he paused and the feeling paused with him. He caught his breath. Cottonwood seeds drifted through the air.“Anybody? Anybody need help?”No one. As always, the feeling abated. But he felt, standing in that nowhere place, not defeat but joy.He longed to tell someone. He longed for just one other person to know who he was and what he was doing now with his life. Once or twice, he almost told Cal, because Cal was the only person around, not because he would be receptive to the idea that his father had some preternatural gift. No. Cal would have ruined it with his doubt and cynicism, or worse, his laughter. Anyway, what could Will have said?He could have said that his heart and his mind were in training. That’s what he believed. The false trails he followed were not false at all. They were trails that were leading him, slowly, to the real trail. One day, it would happen. He knew this. One day, someone really would be there.In April, a job took Will just up the road in his own neighborhood, so close there was no need to drive. He walked over in the morning, cutting through the woods to avoid passing Butch’s cross. He arrived at the house he’d been called to. Twin boys, about 6, sat on their porch so close to each other that their pet lamb fit perfectly across their double lap. The boys were worrying over her, distraught. The lamb hadn’t eaten in two days. Saint-John’s-wort bloomed in clusters in the yard. Will saw it right away, knew to look for it. He came up to the porch and knelt. He petted the lamb. Her ears were a cotton-candy pink and were swollen under the thin wool. “The weed makes her allergic to the sun,” he told the boys and their mother, and pointed out the yellow flowers. He gave the lamb antihistamines and antibiotics, told the boys to pull the weeds, and prescribed shade for two weeks until the infection sloughed off.Then a girl called out to them from up the road, coming down the switchback through the forest. She was on her bicycle, coasting. At the sound of her voice he looked in the direction he hadn’t yet, and there, at a short distance, as natural and familiar and permanent as a mailbox, was Butch’s cross.The girl passed it without looking and rang her bicycle bell three times.He didn’t charge his neighbor. He said goodbye.Without making any decision to do so, he walked in the direction the girl had come from. This time, he didn’t cut through the woods.Butch’s cross was white, mounted at the top of a red stake. He stared at the cross and felt no need to cry. All across Montana were identical crosses. He forced himself to think of his brother, five months gone, but the cross was too impersonal and dignified to seem anything like Butch. The raw ground meant more to Will than the cross stuck into it. Dandelions, gravel, ants, mica, dust. A few leaves of the very weed that had led him here, Saint-John’s-wort. The same flower toxic to a lamb was also a medicine for depression. He knew this because he’d tried it. He’d brewed it into a tea in the desperate days immediately following Butch’s death, as if something like a tea could allay his sorrow.But the warmth of the cup in his hands had helped pass another necessary hour. He thought of that cup of tea as he stared down at the place marking his brother’s death. Five months since the tragedy, and how ordinary this space of ground. How crawling with minuscule life indifferent to the one that ended here. A pitiful death, unworthy of anybody. A mile from home in a quiet rural settlement, out for a walk, speed limit 25. Dead at once.He saw something at the base of the cross. He knelt. A cassette tape labeled lullaby.His hands shook, picking it up. He hadn’t thought of this tape in years, had forgotten it existed. Now here it was, this rare and fragile thing. Butch had made the tape when Cal was very small, when he was still spending his summers with Sarah but wanted Butch to be the one to sing him to sleep. The tape contained a single song. Butch’s soft and embarrassed voice, badly singing a lullaby.There was nothing in the world that Will wanted more than to hear Butch’s voice on this tape. But when he snapped open the case, he saw the mottled, orange-brown strips of ruined music. Twisted, crumpled, wet.Why couldn’t Cal have laid down a flower instead? Stupid, selfish boy. Such a small loss, of something he’d not known he still had to lose, but it struck the heart of him. The only place Butch’s voice still existed in this world, and here it was, in his hands, silenced.He returned home but didn’t go into the house. He got into his truck and went out driving, knowing that if he saw Cal he would be unable to hide his anger. For nearly an hour he drove, hoping the feeling could come, would carry him away from his sorrow. But it did not come. He was unable to feel anything but his anger and his grief.When he finally returned home, Cal’s Subaru was gone. He was relieved that he wouldn’t have to face him.But when he went inside, there was Cal. He was sitting on the couch. Even stranger than this was the sight of Liddie in his lap.“Genevieve was here,” said Cal.“She was here? Just now?”“We agreed a few weeks ago on a trade,” said Cal. “I gave her my car. She gave me Liddie.”Will was so stunned by this he couldn’t speak.“It was my idea,” Cal said. “It was a good trade for both of us, Dad.”“How do you figure that?”Cal seemed surprised by Will’s anger. “Gen’s broke and her mom has cancer,” he said. “She couldn’t afford a car. Now she can drive to see her mom. And I have Liddie back. I know you think I got the worse end of the deal, but I don’t see it that way.”Will laughed, incredulous. His son thought it was the car Will was mad about. No, he was angry about the tape but he was also angry about the ugliness he could see displayed so clearly in his son. Cal had forced Genevieve to choose between her beloved dog and her sick mother. The stupidity of losing his car was one thing; the cruelty of forcing her to make that choice was quite another.“She probably needs Liddie now more than ever, with her mom sick,” said Will. “Seems to me you took advantage of her bad situation just to hurt her. You forced her to put a price tag on something she loved.”Tears sprang to Cal’s eyes. He looked desperate to be believed. “This wasn’t to punish her, Dad.” His voice was high, defensive. “I shouldn’t have given up Liddie when we broke up. She was equally mine. I love her. I need her more than Gen does.”Will said, “I hope you’re not counting on me to drive you to work. I can’t arrange my emergencies around your grocery shifts.”Cal lost his job at the grocery store, having no way of getting there. He didn’t have any money for a new car, either. All those years working as a camera operator, deferring the real dream of directing; years of low-budget films with scripts he could not change and plot holes he could not fill and actors he could not prompt to make the bad lines a little less bad; years of taking orders from people younger and (as he liked to complain) far less talented, and what had it all amounted to?A sheepdog on her last legs.Will wanted nothing to do with it. He stayed away. Spring was his busiest time, and he was grateful for the work and the chance to be alone. Mares all across Montana were foaling. As he drove toward them, nearly every day, the feeling carried him over green hills, or to the edges of murky ponds, or to the rocky shores of the river. Even, once, to a particular parking space at an eye clinic in Missoula, where he got out and called just as he would have had he been alone in the woods: “Anyone need help?” The parking lot was empty, but had there been people going to and from their cars, he would have called out anyway, even if they stared at him like he’d lost his mind. Embarrassment was a small price to pay for the knowledge that you have touched the very center of your life.Through all of this, Cal stayed at home doing nothing but sleeping and watching movies and caring for Liddie. He showed no interest in Rambler or Snowy. Whenever Will went out to brush or feed them, he invited Cal, but only because he knew Cal wouldn’t come. The boy had never liked horses. Only Liddie. He took her on two walks a day, but usually returned with her in his arms, the walks too much for her.One day, as Will was getting ready to leave for a job in the Rattlesnake Valley, Cal asked if he could ride along.“I want to pick up a few things in Missoula.”“I could get whatever you need,” Will offered.“You mind if I come?”“I wouldn’t mind except I’m going to Bonner afterwards. It’ll be a long job.”“I’ll wait in the truck,” said Cal. “Maybe I’ll shoot some footage or take Liddie for a walk.”“Footage? For what?”Cal looked hurt. “I don’t have to come.”“No, sure, of course,” said Will. Then, straining, “Happy for the company.”It was the first of many excruciating drives with Cal and Liddie. With Cal in the truck, he felt distracted, on edge. There was no way to pay attention to the rare thing inside of him now. Even if the feeling did come, his son would never understand his strange forays to nowhere.Cal sat in the passenger seat with a video camera, and he filmed most of their drives, holding the camera to the window. Will glanced over now and then and saw the screen, which showed in miniature the blurred farms and developments they passed on the freeway. Sometimes Cal stopped filming, and then held the camera close to him and rewatched the footage he’d just made of highway scenery identical to that still flying by outside his window. All the while, Liddie rested on his lap or at his feet. Her bad breath and Cal’s sweat filled the truck.At the farms, the ranches, the pastures, Cal seldom got out of the truck. He never thought to film his father bandaging the wounds of stallions, or delivering calves in open fields. The drama, beauty, violence of Will’s work—it didn’t strike his filmmaker son. The afterbirth hanging down from the cows, steaming in the cold spring air. Life fallen in a yellow field. Flowers and snow. Tenderness halted by moments of astonishing gore. No, his son wanted freeway footage.During this dismal month of empty days, he felt his precious instinct waning. No longer could he pay attention, no longer could he feel the rare thing inside of him. He turned away from his instinct, and drove on to his appointments.That last morning of Butch’s life, that morning of all mornings, Will had almost gone walking too. Almost. He had never gone with Butch on his daily walks. Usually, when Butch went out, Will took the opportunity to sit in the house alone. But that day, for some reason, that day of all days, Will had said, “I’ll come, too.”He put on his coat and shoes. He got as far as the open door.But the phone rang—the phone rang and separated him from his brother forever. It was Cal, calling to lament about Genevieve, who had broken up with him four days before. Cal was crying again. Will didn’t feel he could ask him to call back later. Instead, he waved to Butch to go on without him. Butch did. Will listened to Cal for a few minutes. Then Cal asked to talk to Butch.“He’s already gone,” Will said, not knowing when he said those words what they really meant.Unbearable to think of, how close he’d come to walking alongside Butch that morning. His going along might have changed everything. How fast they walked, and what direction, and how close they were to the road, and how many times they stopped. They would have had two pairs of ears listening for an oncoming car, not just Butch’s. Will’s presence might have brought too many variables for the accident to have occurred. Had Will been there, Butch might be alive. And had Cal not called, Will would have been there.Why hadn’t his instinct saved him this time? A simple death in a simple place, so preventable. If only he had paid attention sooner in his life, if only he had listened to his father.As a small boy, Will had spent every minute with his brother. It was just the way things were. As kids, they slept together in the same room. All that time with each other must have mattered to their souls, must have bound them together in ways that Will never bothered to care about. But what a remarkable thing it was that they had communicated in the way they had, one boy sending a feeling to the other, in perfect silence, over a hill. You better come get me, Will. I’m about to get stomped. There had been no words in Will’s mind, just a feeling he could put words to later, but that’s the way Butch would ask to be rescued, ascribing no great importance to himself, even at the age of 3.This was one way to think about it, at least, as good an understanding as any of what had occurred. You pay attention to your life. There’s something rare in you.His father had been right. Only the something rare in Will was Butch. Chubby, humble, forgettable Butch, calling out from heart to heart.The drives with Cal went on. Cal sat in the passenger seat mostly in silence, filming the freeway, holding on his lap the dog for whom he’d traded his livelihood.Will drove, suffering the company of his son, blaming him silently for Butch’s death. Summer came, and the green hills passed by their windows. If someone called out to his heart to be saved, he couldn’t hear it. All he could hear was his brooding passenger.Losing his gift for the second time was unbearable. For five decades he had lived without it, and then after it returned, he let it die again only a few weeks later. And for what?One evening, they were driving in silence, and suddenly Will said, “How did that lullaby go?”“What lullaby?”“The one Butch used to sing to you. The one we recorded so you could take it to your mom’s. You didn’t like how she sang it. It had to be him. You remember?”Cal shrugged. “I don’t remember the words.”“You don’t remember the words? You heard him sing it every night for 10 years and you don’t remember the words?”“It was a long time ago, Dad.”“Then how come I remember the words?”Cal glared at him. “If you remember the words, why are you asking me what the words were?”Will felt now a line that he could cross. A line shimmering between their seats like a live wire.But to his own amazement, he did not say what he was thinking. He did something worse.He sang.He, who had never sung in his life, sang now as loudly as he could in that stifling truck, gesturing with one hand while the other was on the wheel.The lullaby.I saw you standingoutside my window.I heard you singingout where the winds blow.And oh! Do you know how much I love you?Oh, do you know how much I care?He looked over at his son, who was staring at him. Will was singing, but it felt to them both as if he were shouting, the lyrics declaring love and his voice declaring hate.Encouraged by that look of shock, Will sang on:You, with your eyes as clear as starlight.You, with the sweet breeze in your hair.You, who makes everything feel all rightjust by standing right out there.When he finished, they sat in silence.He thought that would be it, that it was over. That his son would move out and leave him alone.But the very next day, Cal got into the truck beside his father. Will started the engine, and Cal shoved a cassette tape into the player.Butch’s voice, off-key, singing the lullaby.Cal had made a copy.In July, after responding to an emergency call in Superior, Will was running late for his appointment in Lolo. With Cal in the truck, he took the exit at Mary Creek Road, which connected to Highway 12.He’d not been on Mary Creek since that time when he had climbed up the steep bank. Driving down the road now, he couldn’t remember which bank it was. There were many banks that looked the same, though now they were beautiful and lush, all in bloom as they hadn’t been in March. But he couldn’t enjoy them with Cal sitting there beside him. Cal wasn’t filming Mary Creek Road, but he was looking out the window, which he’d rolled down for Liddie. He’d barely spoken the entire drive, not even to ask Will about the blood on his clothes, after a near-fatal birth. But at least Liddie was in a great mood. She lifted her snout out into the fresh air. Water on the wind, and cedars. Mary Creek Road turned to dirt around mile nine. They wound through the forests. The properties were vaster, fewer and farther between.Then the truck bumped over a rut and the tape deck jumped to life.Butch’s voice sang out.I heard you whisperout by the flowers.How sweet your lips werefelt them for hoursand oh, do you know how much I love you?Cal turned it off. “I could have done it in a better way,” he said. “The trade. Liddie for the car. I knew she needed a car because of her mom and I wanted her to have it, but I couldn’t just give her mine, I couldn’t lose everything and then give her one more thing. I needed something, too.”Will said nothing.“It was a good trade, Dad. It was painful, but we both got what we needed. I wasn’t trying to punish her or be some hero or put her in a bad spot. I just wanted my dog.” Then: “Dad, do you hear what I’m saying?”“I’m not the one who needs an explanation,” said Will.“Genevieve will be fine, she’s always been fine.” Cal’s voice was trembling. “You said it yourself, she has the spark of life. People love her. But I’ve only ever gotten along with three people in my entire life and one of them isn’t even a person. Genevieve and Butch and Liddie. Suddenly, in one week, all three of them were gone. I had to get Liddie back, Dad. It wasn’t like you think, it wasn’t to punish Gen. I had to get Liddie back.”They passed a road that was hardly a road. Grass grew tall between the tire tracks. The moment he passed this road, he knew. He knew as he had never quite known.Go back! Turn there! Just out of sight!Too urgent to ignore.Without a word, in hope and in fear, Will turned the truck around.Cal said nothing. Maybe he didn’t notice, couldn’t sense the racing of his father’s heart, the intense pressure inside the truck. Probably he was still thinking about himself.Will turned onto the grassy road. The high snapdragons dragged their heads along the bottom of his truck. Thimbleberry leaves fanned out from either bank and brushed the truck as it drove through them. Branches snapped under their tires. The road rose, then dipped into a deep rut filled with water the truck couldn’t cross.He stopped the truck. He would have to go on foot. He would have to go farther, much farther. The feeling pressed him on. “I’ll be right back,” he said to Cal, trying to hide his panic. “Just wait here.” He shut the door.The feeling carried him farther than it ever had. An intense fear was rising in him, fear that this was the time it would be real, this was what his heart had been training for. Fear that when he reached the right place he wouldn’t be on time or he wouldn’t be enough. In all the drives he’d taken since the instinct came back, he’d never felt this before, a closeness to another human so real that the possibility of his failure nearly choked him.To the left of the deer trail—it was a trail now, not a road—stood a scraggly lodgepole like any other. It was the like-any-otherness that spoke to him, and he turned off the trail there, into brush and bracken. The lodgepole trunk was marked; someone had spray-painted an orange line. This was a future all the lodgepoles around it shared, the fluorescent marks at the same height on the trunks.Through the forest of these pines, a patch of rotting thimbleberry, the scent of cooling sap. Millions of ants pouring upward from a hole in a rotten log. A trickle of water. A woodpecker dipped low. A rich, soft smell rose from the ground as if released from the earth by the pressure of footsteps not his own.He came to a clearing of stumps. Into this clearing he walked, and every step he felt himself draw closer to a person nearly gone.It was here, here in this benignly ugly place. Brush and stumps and green grass all around. It was here he knew to stop.“Hey!” His voice trembled. “Hey!” he cried. “Who’s here?”There was a heaviness in the air. A silence like an answer withheld. Someone trying to speak to him.“Anyone?” he cried. He called at the top of his lungs, “Anyone here? I’m here! I will help you, just tell me where you are!”The nearness of a life, he could feel it. It almost brought him to his knees. He could feel it like he once felt his brother, alone in a pasture among stallions, calling silently for help. He could feel the draw of a life away from earth, a desperate but silent plea.Holding his breath, he waited; he hoped.“Dad. It’s just me.”Will turned around.Cal was standing at the edge of the clearing. Will had not known he had been following him. He had not heard him over his panic and his focus, but there he was.Cal’s pants were muddy to his shins. His hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat. In his arms he held Liddie.Will put his hand on his heart. He could scarcely breathe.“Son.”“Sorry I surprised you, Dad,” Cal said. “I thought you knew that I was here.”