I grew up in a very loving family. My mother was gentle and caring, and my father protected me. But I rarely found myself in situations where I had to stand up for myself and tell someone: no, you can't treat me like that. So I entered adulthood with almost none of that skill. For example, I literally didn't understand the difference between a request and an order. If someone told me, "Do this," instead of asking me, I might feel irritated, but I didn't understand why. Usually I would just do it and stay quiet. At university, I was part of a social group where people often spoke to each other disrespectfully and put each other down. Everyone communicated that way. It felt normal, and I didn't look for a different group of people. I wouldn't say anything in the moment. I'd just swallow it. The anger would build up and then come out in completely absurd situations. Recently, I asked myself a pretty simple question: Where are my boundaries, actually? When are they being crossed? I started recording my emotions and reactions on the application, trying to find patterns in them. Then I went through those notes and tried to categorize the situations where my boundaries seemed to be crossed. I ended up with four categories: - control - someone makes decisions for me - devaluation - someone treats me as inferior - manipulation - someone makes me doubt my own perception - coercion - my "no" isn't accepted If something happens once - I notice it. If it happens again - I say something. If the person continues after a clear "no" - then I act. For example, now when someone inappropriately orders me around, I can say: "I'll do it, but next time ask me. You don't need to order me around." I didn't even have that reaction available to me before. I would either comply or stay quiet and get angry. The most important change is that I've stopped fantasizing about and trying to guess the other person's intentions. I don't know why they said something that way. Maybe they want to control me, maybe that's just how they were raised. Maybe they're testing my boundaries, maybe they're deliberately provoking me. Now I look at what's actually happening and at how they react after I state my boundary. If they keep doing the same thing - I act. Have you ever realized that you didn't actually know where your boundaries were? Do you think these four categories make a complete map, or is something missing?   submitted by   /u/ma9leb [link]   [comments]