In The Onion, July 4, 2026By the REPRESENTATIVES of theONION EDITORIAL BOARD,When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with other far more annoying and troublesome peoples, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and greater station to which the laws of nature entitle them as Americans, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that an editorial board for America’s finest newspaper should declare the causes which lead them to promulgate a Declaration of Independence that states, once and for all time, our vehement opposition to any other countries besides America.We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all nations besides our own are created in an equal state of inferiority, that they are endowed by their Creator with a duty to, at worst, not bother America’s ruling class and, at best, be dedicated to toiling in support of our life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. That to secure this outcome, such other nations, which include Botswana, Lichtenstein, and many others, must stop being so weird and irritating all the time. That whenever such countries forget they owe their very existence to the consent of America’s elite, it is the responsibility of such elite—such as The Onion’s board members—to demand these countries alter or abolish themselves, in order to guarantee that the United States no longer has to deal with their unyielding folly.Prudence will dictate that other nations should know better than to continue existing, given that the mere mention of names such as “Thailand,” “Kyrgyzstan,” and “France” causes great pain and misery to the American ear. All experience has shown that America is more disposed to suffer when other countries persist, and these countries must thus dissolve themselves.Indeed, after suffering 250 years in a long train of abuses and injuries ranging from “Eurovision” to tapas to the so-called “game” of cricket, it is Americans’ right, indeed, their duty, to throw off the shackles of living in the same reality as other nations. Such has been the quiet misery of our lot, looking on in horror as dozens upon dozens of states without the name “America” are allowed to desecrate our maps and globes. It has therefore become a necessity that this grotesque status quo is ended. To prove this, let facts be submitted to the world about the grave injustices inflicted upon the United States by other countries.They have called together legislative bodies much like our own in strange and unfamiliar places, far from our shores, for the sole purpose of making a mockery of our way of governance.They have stolen the concepts of “democracy” and “liberty” and bandied them about as their own without paying even a small 30 or 40 percent of GDP to our coffers in gratitude.They have fished their own seas, harvested their own land, and fed their own people.They have asserted their own independence.They have perfidiously changed their names, as, for example, “Turkey” to “Türkiye,” so as to deliberately baffle and exhaust any American’s attempt to pronounce them.They keep making food too spicy.They have attempted to obstruct the extrajudicial killings of their leaders and acted in wanton opposition to the bombing of their hospitals and schools.They refuse to subscribe to a diet entirely consisting of hot dogs, which has repeatedly proven wholesome and necessary for the public good.They have rejected calls to annihilate themselves and their citizens with a thermonuclear warhead so that Americans no longer have to experience the indignity of learning about them.They all smell bizarre and terrible.They have conducted trade with one another while our largest businesses are forced to sit idly by and watch like cuckolds.They have created ideas such as “very tight men’s pants,” “discotheques,” and “bidets” in brazen violation of human dignity.They have erected a multitude of new and very tall skyscrapers in rank defiance of the Empire State Building.They have created judges who swear loyalty to a constitution beside our own, resulting in such dangerous absurdities as a “Bulgarian judge” or a “Greek judge.”They have kept, even in times of peace, large armies of foreign soldiers to complete the work of desolation and tyranny known as “defending their borders,” a practice of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled even in the most barbarous ages.They have excited domestic insurrection amongst us by exporting into our midst films such as “Roma” and “Sentimental Value” and have endeavored to make our own peoples slog through their dismal plots.They continue undermining the principles America was founded upon by being separate countries besides our own. Worst of all, they have continued to do so on this, our most sacred and majestic of anniversary years, despite repeated insistence that they cease any celebrations such as birthdays or parades or fireworks displays that might distract from our own.In every stage of these oppressions, The Onion has petitioned for a simple solution to the various nations of the world: Stop existing, either through killing all of your citizens or simply going away somewhere else. Our humble requests have been answered only by repeated injury—injuries such as the unchecked spread of the “siesta” or “The Great British Bake Off.” Such gross injustice is unfit to persist.We, therefore, the representatives of The Onion’s editorial board, in general union assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good shareholders of Global Tetrahedron, solemnly publish and declare, that these United States ought to be free and independent of the perpetual burden created by other sovereign states; that they are absolved from ever dealing with the other 194 countries in the world, and that all tangible connection between ourselves and the remainder of the earth is and ought to be totally dissolved, such that forever after we do not have to exist in a reality where other countries do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of our free market, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our enormous fortunes, and our sacred honor.Tu Stultus Es,The Onion Editorial BoardThe post A Declaration Of Independence From The Rest Of The World appeared first on The Onion.