The YRF Spy Universe logo used to carry some weight. There was a time not too long ago when we associated it with the promise of a good time at the movies. When it flashes on screen in the opening moments of Alpha, however, it has no such effect.The question isn’t whether the latest instalment from the cinematic universe of slick superspies and walking, talking action figures can reinvigorate the creatively dead universe. It’s whether we can get even a basically satisfying blockbuster romp.Where Alpha, from director Shiv Rawail (The Railway Men), stands apart from its Spy-verse counterparts (Pathaan, War and Tiger films) is that it packs in what feels like more plot in its first 15 minutes than all those films combined. From swapped babies to separated twins to super soldiers, more happens than can be summarised in a single review, but here goes. As a punishingly steady stream of opening exposition tells us, Colonel Fateh Singh Lakhawat (a stone-faced Bobby Deol is unexciting to watch for the first time in years) has been developing a supersoldier program to enhance Indian soldiers in all things combat. The program is shelved, and he’s forced to close it down, but not before his senior officer, Colonel Vikrant Kaul (Anil Kapoor always understands the assignment), injects his dying pregnant wife with the serum in the hope of saving her life. He fails. She dies. But, unbeknownst to the good Colonel, their newborn survives. But she’s confiscated by (the bad) Colonel Lakhawat because “she’s now India’s property” as a result of the Alpha superserum coursing through her veins.‘Baby Do Die Do’ Review: Huma Qureshi Leads A Playful, Slick Assassin FlickEndless Exhausting ExpositionDecades later, the now RAW chief Vikrant Kaul is shocked to find out that the daughter he thought was dead actually survived. She’s now Sita (Alia Bhatt brings the attitude and deserves a better film) and has been raised by the sinister Colonel Lakhawat to do covert missions and dish out his own private brand of nationalism. Sita, the only surviving supersoldier, has been raised as the ultimate weapon. The only compassionate presence in her life was the kind mad scientist, Dr. Varghese (Dibyendu Bhattacharya), hired to reverse engineer the superserum.Except, wait for it, Sita is a twin. She has a twin sister she never knew about, who grew up safe and happy with her father, whom she chose to keep hidden for her safety. So, then, to confirm, Anil Kapoor’s Vikrant Kaul has two secret daughters. One that was kept secret from him and one he kept secret from the world (don’t ask). Except now, Sita has gone rogue and started dismantling and murdering her way through her toxic father figure/evil handler Colonel Lakhawat’s entire operation. Bobby Deol in a still from Alpha 'He Has More Fire Than Shah Rukh': Bobby Deol on Aryan KhanSo, just to summarise, Colonel Lakhawat goes rogue after his supersoldier program is shut down. Then, his only operative, Sita, goes rogue(-er) and turns against him. Until her actual father, Vikrant Kaul, and his (other) daughter go rogue against the system to save the rogue Sita before she dies at the hands of the rogue(-er) Lakhawat. Cool. That’s as much as I’m willing to get into right now. Why a silly popcorn action flick needs to be this densely plotted is beyond me.Essentially, Sita is Black Widow if she had Captain America’s abilities, except she was also the Winter Soldier. Cool. Also, isn’t it sexist as hell to give us a gajillion spy universe films centred on badass male action heroes, but the one time we get a female superspy movie, she has to be an enhanced supersoldier? To what, justify going toe to toe with and holding her own against men?An Aura Farming Anil KapoorIf anything, Alpha works well as a curious artistic experiment in seeing what good actors can manage with godawful dialogue (Ishita Moitra pens the dialogue, taking over from Spy Universe dialogue scribe Abbas Tyrewala, whose absence is instantly felt).Dibyendu Bhattacharya and Alia Bhatt fare decently. Bobby Deol struggles. Anil Kapoor delivers, despite having to say things like, "Once you go Alpha, you can't go back."It’s also interesting to see Bobby Deol attempt to navigate the controlling, toxic dad archetype when Anil Kapoor is in the same film. As seen in Jugjugg Jeeyo and Animal, no one inhabits that role quite like him. Even here, in a forgettable action flick with Alia Bhatt, Hrithik Roshan (hardly a spoiler) and Bobby Deol, it’s Kapoor who has the most aura, and he frequently threatens to hijack the film.Sharvari in a still from Alpha The Curious Case Of SharvariThen there’s the curious case of Sharvari’s Durga, the most underwritten character. And that’s saying something.Unlike Sita, Durga had a happy childhood. As a result of the serum coursing through her veins, she’s also a prodigy at pretty much everything. But when she’s flung into a life-threatening world of guns and goons, she’s barely fazed. Perhaps it’s because the character and actor seem to be inhabiting an Oppo Camera Phone ad rather than an action narrative, where it’s more about how she’s presented rather than holding her own in any of the dramatic or action sequences.As Sita, Alia Bhatt brings the attitude and physicality but struggles to do much with the wafer-thin material. I like that she plays Sita as a reckless, rebellious, angsty teenager who’s lashing out on her own terms for once.But even there, the narrative backtracks on her arc entirely. Sita is a weapon who’s spent a lifetime being controlled and manipulated by men. But even in her final action showdown with Lakhawat, her actions are controlled and guided by Anil Kapoor’s Kaul. Elsewhere too, the narrative goes in circles, quite literally, and keeps repeating the same tricks. A thing happens. It appears dire. Minutes later, we flash back to that same event to show that, actually, it didn’t happen how it appeared, and everything is fine.Anil Kapoor in a still from Alpha What we’re left with is a bloated blockbuster that isn’t unwatchable, but is instantly forgettable. By now, the YRF Spy-verse packaging machine is fine-tuned and refined enough to provide the illusion of a serviceable blockbuster—constant cutting, globe-trotting, passable action set pieces, numerous explosions, synthetic, flashy visuals and so on.At one point, Anil Kapoor's Vikrant Kaul barks, "exhaust fans," at Alia Bhatt's Sita, guiding her on how to disarm a bomb. It would appear YRF has applied the same approach to their dying spy universe: exhaust the fans. Mission accomplished.Alpha release in theatres on July 3.(Suchin Mehrotra is a critic and film journalist who covers Indian cinema for a range of publications. He's also the host of The Streaming Show podcast on his own YouTube channel. This is an opinion piece, and the views expressed above are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for the same.)'Pritam and Pedro' Review: Rajkumar Hirani's Debut Series is a Dated Exercise