Patrick Fore/Unsplash“No” may be one of the hardest words for parents to say to a young child.No, we’re not buying that.No, you can’t have my phone. Many parents dread the tears, arguments or tantrums that can follow when a toddler or preschooler is denied something they want. But what if a being upset is not a sign something has gone wrong? It’s good to hear noBig feelings are part of life and part of growing up. Developmental psychology and neuroscience research suggests saying “no” to children helps them experience reasonable limits and boundaries.Experiencing a “no” is an important part of how children learn to regulate emotions, cope with frustration and build resilience. Children begin learning how to manage their emotions from infancy. The emotional regulation skills they develop during the toddler years and beyond can have a lasting influence on how they cope with challenges, build relationships and succeed at school. What is emotional regulation?Emotional regulation is not the ability to avoid difficult feelings. It is the ability to experience emotions, understand them, and gradually learn how to manage them.Children develop these skills through repeated experiences of disappointment, frustration, excitement and waiting, with the support of trusted adults. So the challenge for parents is not to avoid no, it’s to help children learn how to navigate it.Why children need boundariesResearch shows certain parenting approaches can help children develop the ability to manage their attention, behaviour and emotions.This involves experiencing reasonable limits – or the word, “no”. For example, “no, you can’t eat the whole container of crackers”. Or “no, you can’t climb on the car”. Rather than protecting children from every difficult feeling, parents guide children through frustration and help them learn setbacks, disappointment and delayed gratification are manageable parts of life.Some parenting styles (such as permissive parenting) combine warmth and responsiveness with a lack of clear boundaries. Children are given significant freedom, with few expectations or limits placed on their behaviour. While this style is well-intentioned, studies suggest it may be associated with higher levels of behavioural problems and anxiety in children.How to say no in the momentWhen saying “no” to a toddler or preschooler be clear and confident. Avoid turning it into a negotiation. Instead of saying “maybe later” or “not right now,” try “no, we are not buying chocolate today”.Be empathetic and acknowledge your child’s feelings. Try saying, “I can see you are angry/sad/disappointed because you really wanted the chocolate.” And follow through, “My answer is still no”. If a parent repeatedly says no and then gives in after persistent protesting, children receive a clear message: if they keep asking, the answer may change. So, how can you help build your child’s skills around “no”? Talk about feelings you see in books and moviesThis helps give your child the vocabulary to talk about their feelings. For example, Peppa Pig looks really upset. Why do you think she is crying? Model regulating your own emotionsWhen you get angry about something show your child how you are taking deep breaths to calm down. Research shows children learn emotion regulation not only through what adults tell them, but also by watching how adults manage their own emotions. Co-regulate with your childThis is a parenting strategy where you use warm and responsive interactions to help a child manage their emotions. For example, if your child is having a tantrum, stay calm and don’t react straight away. Take a minute to breathe if you are about to lose your cool. You could say “I see you are really disappointed we have to leave the playground.” Sit near your child and offer comfort if they welcome it. Maintain the boundary by saying, “I know you wanted to stay longer but it is time to go home.” A child who hears, “I can see you’re upset, and I’m here with you,” while the boundary remains in place learns two powerful lessons: their feelings are accepted, and they are capable of coping with themAct it outWhen things are calm, you can role play different emotional reactions to a “no”. Research shows engagement in pretend play can improve children’s ability to control impulses and manage emotions.For example, parents can use pretend play with teddies, dolls or toy figures to rehearse everyday situations where a child might hear “no”. A parent might role-play a trip to the park and have the adult character say, “It’s time to go home now. We can’t stay any longer.” The child can then act out how the character feels and responds. These playful conversations provide opportunities to explore emotions such as frustration, disappointment or anger, while helping children develop the language and strategies needed to manage them.Praise the behaviour you wantIf leaving the playground often ends in tears or protests, avoid treating the emotional reaction as bad behaviour that needs punishment. Instead, support your child through their disappointment and recognise moments when they cope successfully. For example, “Well done, I can see how you hopped off the swing really quickly today.” This works because children are more likely to repeat behaviours that receive positive attention and encouragement. https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/connecting-communicating/connecting/praise can we add a link here as well?Check your expectationsIt is unreasonable to expect children will always accept a “no” without becoming upset. Their brains are still developing the systems responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation For example, it is unreasonable to suddenly tell a three year old “no, you can’t watch another episode of Bluey – it’s time for a bath” without some warning. Even an adult would struggle to respond calmly when something you are enjoying suddenly ends. Instead, try giving a five minute warning. The bigger pictureWhen parents say “no” to hold a reasonable boundary while acknowledging a child’s feelings, they send an important message. Over time, children learn they can experience disappointment, feel upset, recover and move on.Fiona Boylan does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.