Aliaksei Lasevich - stock.adobe.com Navigating the chaotic early days of parenthood often leaves new dads feeling like they missed an orientation session. But in a thread on r/daddit, one redditor shared a crucial realization that shifted his perspective on fatherhood. It turns out, there is no magical guidebook for parental instinct. Here is the advice that changed everything: Best advice someone told me was during those moments when things get hard (baby is crying uncontrollably at 2am; diaper has a blowout; baby isn't feeling well, etc etc), you are going to most likely assume your wife knows what to do and either call for her or let her fix the issue. However, she does not have some special secret training for this stuff... it's just society norms and expectations that she figures it out and gets it done. She is literally starting from the same place you are. Try to remember that so you can try to go the extra step and try to figure it out. It will help her out with everything else going on and you will realize you actually can do this. It completely changed my viewpoint on being a Dad. Just wanted to share. In the comments, redditors deliver applause, confessions of their own lazy habits, and plenty of validation for stepping up to the plate. Finding your own way Many commenters point out that while a baby might respond differently to each parent, copying a partner's technique isn't always the answer. Finding a unique approach to comforting a child is a crucial part of the learning process for fathers. Comment in r/daddit Baby will respond differently to you than to your wife, but part of being a good dad is to figure out your own way of calming baby. You need to put effort into that relationship. Baby may prefer her, but your wife needs you to figure out what to do anyway! Comment in r/daddit That’s a good point! Even if your wife gave you the FULL GUIDE TO ALL SHE DOES it…may not work for you, or for the baby with you. Don’t get me wrong, it’s totally cool to ask for advice and knowledge. Something’s or more black and white and once you figured it out anyone can do it as well. But at the same time you might ask “when the baby gets like this what do you do?” and find that in reality you might do the exact same thing and it not work at all. Comment in r/daddit Yep. My toddler is a mamas girl, but when it's just the two of us, she clings to me like Velcro. And that's okay. Comment in r/daddit Yeah, there's no reason to not learn as much as you can about babies and parenting. In a lot of cases, finding your own resources and doing your own learning is hugely valuable because it equips you to have conversations about how your child is being raised and ensure you're both on the same page. Comment in r/daddit My kids all prefer my wife and our middle child can be very needy and clingy. Recently my wife and oldest took a trip and guess who was a perfect toddler? Oh yeah. Whenever my wife is gone the middle is an angel...but whenever she is around they just happen to be extra emotional. The power of stepping back Mothers and therapists chimed in with a gentle reminder for the other side of the equation. For a partner to truly learn the ropes, moms sometimes have to resist the urge to micromanage the process. Comment in r/daddit My wife is a therapist, and she has to have this conversation with both women and men. Men: Buck up and do your share. You're just as equipped to handle it as she is. Women: When he's doing his share, stfu about how he's doing it. He's just as equipped to handle it as you are, and his way doesn't have to be your way. Comment in r/daddit That's definitely something I had to learn as a mom. My husband does so much better when I'm not nitpicking everything he does differently than me Comment in r/daddit Mom here, I had to learn that in couples therapy. It took me a couple years to see that not only is my husband capable, but he provides invaluable parenting that I can’t because I’m not him. If I nitpick and try to push my way of doing things, it’s to the detriment of my kids who benefit from the way he does things. They deserve both of us. Comment in r/daddit Just hang in there, I was a stay at home dad for roughly the first year for each of my kids. As a bitty bitty baby they want momma but it didn't take long before they were daddy's boys. The first switched loyalties pretty early on, maybe a few months, while the second didn't switch until about a year old, but after that I was (and still am) the preferred parent for both of them. It's got its own downsides, I never really get a break, I can't eat random foods in front of them or they immediately want the same thing, they get jealous of each other's time with me, if I'm holding one I have to pick up the other one too (ouch my back), etc. Sometimes it would be nice if they just wanted mommy instead! Breaking the habit of default dependency Some redditors admit that it is incredibly easy to default to the mother for answers, treating them like a household search engine. Recognizing this habit is the first step toward becoming a more proactive, supportive parent. Comment in r/daddit Think of it like home IT support. Most of us just worked stuff out by trial and error because our parents or partners assumed we'd be good at it. First recognise that this is what happens to new mums with childcare, then consciously bring that energy to the table yourself. Comment in r/daddit One day I got frustrated and told my husband "I do not want to answer questions that you can answer yourself. I have to figure it out just like you do" and it really did make things better. I don't think he realized how much he assumed I just knew things Comment in r/daddit I honestly didn’t realize how lazy I was about this kind of thing. I would ask my ex all kinds of things that I either should know or could find out in a moment. My view was that if she knew, she could just tell me right away. It took me a while to realize that, of course she could, but I was taking energy away from her. She could have been more loving in the way that she expressed her feelings, but that episode made me a better person. Comment in r/daddit Yes! Both points are so important. There's so much latent misogyny around mothers that too many fathers don't step up or even appreciate how much work it takes to be a caregiver to little ones. It's so much easier to have a full time job, working with adults all day, and leaving work behind when you go home. Conversely, so many times the dad wants to help but does things "the wrong way" and the mom just takes over. Then complains about how useless the dad is. Unlearning the expectation that mothers inherently hold all the parenting answers takes time, but the payoff is immense. By diving in and embracing the messy trial-and-error process, partners build stronger bonds with their kids and stronger partnerships with each other. It all comes down to recognizing that nobody has it entirely figured out. What do you think about this piece of advice? Read the full discussion in r/daddit, and find more conversations like this in r/NewParents, r/Parenting, and r/Mommit. This story highlights the perspectives of Reddit users, not Reddit, Inc. Some posts or comments may be lightly edited for clarity. Questions or concerns? Contact us at upvoted@reddit.com.