—Photo-Illustration by TIME (Source Image: Chev Wilkinson—Getty Images)Elizabeth Keating’s students learn about World War II in history books. But when one of them asked her grandmother what it was like to live through the wartime mobilization and bombing in the U.K., the past suddenly felt real. Talking to her grandmother, the student told Keating, felt like “talking to a celebrity.”“It gives us a link with history that’s very personal,” says Keating, a professor emerita of anthropology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of The Essential Questions: Interview Your Family to Uncover Stories and Bridge Generations.Your grandparents might not think of themselves as eyewitnesses to history—or realize that anyone is interested in the ordinary details of their lives. Asking an unexpected question can make the past come alive while helping you discover who they were, and who they still are.These questions can help you get beyond the familiar family stories—and start conversations you’ll be glad you had.“What’s something you believed when you were my age that you don’t believe anymore?”Your grandparent has probably changed their mind about more than a few things over the years. Maybe they swore they would never get married or that they’d stay in their hometown forever. Ask what they felt certain about at your age—and what eventually made them reconsider.The answer can make a younger person think, “Oh my God, you were my age,” says Mike O’Krent, founder of LifeStories Alive, a company that preserves family histories on video. It might also be reassuring to discover that your grandparent once shared some of your fears or wrestled with questions you’re confronting right now. Hearing what happened next can open up a larger conversation about how they became the person they are today.“Tell me about the dinner table in the house where you grew up.”“What was your childhood like?” is an enormous question—the conversational equivalent of handing someone a blank book and asking them to fill it. It’s better to zoom in on one specific setting. “The dinner table is a window into an entire family, sometimes an entire childhood,” says Lauren Befus, founder of Memory Lane Jane, a family-biography company that preserves people’s life stories in heirloom books.Ask who sat where, who cooked, and whether everyone ate together. Was dinner loud and chaotic or silent and formal? Did people linger or bolt the moment they finished? Was there always enough food? Could friends drop in?One person told Keating that “there was no talking at the dinner table.” In Keating’s own family, her mother occasionally made the children prepare little reports from the encyclopedia to present during dinner. “We hated it,” she recalls. Whether your grandparent remembers laughter, pinching under the table, or strictly enforced silence, you’ll learn much more than what was on the menu.“What was considered a waste of money in your house?”Every family has at least one expenditure it considers financially unhinged. Perhaps your grandparent’s parents refused to pay someone to repair anything they could conceivably fix themselves. Maybe restaurant meals, store-bought clothes, or long-distance phone calls were treated as scandalous extravagances.The question can reveal what money represented in your grandparent’s childhood home: security, freedom, status, or a source of constant stress. You might also recognize a few financial commandments that have traveled down the family line. Oh, that’s why your mom refuses to pay for shipping or regards full-price cereal as a personal affront!“Tell me about a time you got into trouble—and how you got out of it.”Your grandparent wasn’t always the person reminding everyone to be careful. Once upon a time, they might have sneaked somewhere forbidden, played hooky from Sunday school to take a nap in the cornfields behind the church, concocted an impressive lie, or attempted to conceal a mishap from their parents.Keating particularly likes asking about trouble because it comes with a built-in plot: What happened? How did you respond? Did anyone find out? The story doesn’t need to involve a wild act of rebellion. She’s found that “you can get into trouble with small things, too, that evolve into bigger things.” Either way, you’ll get to meet the mischievous younger person behind the grandparent you know and love.“What object have you kept from childhood—and what’s its story?”That battered book, recipe card, or piece of jewelry might look unremarkable. Then you hear the story about why it’s still a prized possession. Keating recalls talking to a woman who had grown up poor and dreamed of owning a particular doll. When she received it for her birthday, she treasured it so deeply that she eventually passed it down through her family. “We attach relationships to objects,” Keating says. Eventually, “an object isn’t just a thing anymore.” It evokes a person, place, yearning, or moment someone wants to keep close.If your grandparent still has the item, ask to see it. Their act of holding it again—or simply studying its scratches, faded colors, or fraying edges—might shake loose a story they didn’t even realize they remembered.“Who believed in you before you believed in yourself?”The answer could introduce you to a teacher, mentor, neighbor, boss, or friend you’ve never heard about—yet whose encouragement altered the course of your family’s history.For O’Krent, it was his third-grade teacher, Mrs. Glaze. One day, despite making him stay inside during recess because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut, she looked him in the eye and said: “You’re going to be somebody important someday.”He never forgot it. An influential person isn’t always who you would expect, O’Krent says, and the best part of the story may emerge when you ask why your grandparent connected with them. What did they see in your grandparent—and how did their belief change what your grandparent saw in themselves?“What decision did you make that everyone else thought was wrong?”Maybe your grandparent pursued a career their family didn’t approve of, moved somewhere unexpected, ended—or began—a relationship, or took a risk everyone else considered foolish. Ask why people objected. Then borrow O’Krent’s favorite follow-up: “Do you agree with that?”Your grandparent might still insist everyone else was wrong. Or perhaps the decision led directly to something they’d love to forget. “Everybody makes mistakes,” O’Krent says. What matters is “the lesson you learn from it.” Either way, you’ll discover how your grandparent responded when their judgment collided with other people’s expectations—and whether they’d make the same choice again.“What are you proud of that would never appear on a résumé?”Résumés are good for recording promotions and degrees. But they don’t capture the time someone took care of an aging parent, raised children through a miserable year, started over after a failure, repaired a relationship, or became the friend who always showed up.The accomplishments you associate with your grandparent might not be the ones that matter most to them. This question “gives people permission to define accomplishment for themselves,” Befus says. You may discover that the chapter of their life they value most is one you barely knew about.“What are you still figuring out?”There is, apparently, no birthday at which a person wakes up with life completely sorted out. Grandparents still have evolving identities, relationships, hopes, and uncertainties, says Claudia Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Seattle.Asking what your grandparent is still figuring out communicates: “I don’t only want to know who you were. I’m interested in who you are now,” Johnson says. Maybe they’re learning how to enjoy retirement, trying to understand a changing friendship, or deciding what they want the next few years to look like.Answer the question yourself, too. That reciprocity transforms the interaction from an interview into a real conversation—and reminds both of you that nobody ages out of uncertainty.“If you were naming a baby today, what name would you choose?”Not every meaningful question requires rummaging through the past. That’s especially important when you’re talking to someone with dementia, says Cristina Rodriguez, founder of Mind&Melody, a nonprofit that connects musicians with people living with dementia and other neurological conditions.Rodriguez’s grandmother was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago. As her memory changes, Rodriguez has realized that “connection can’t always depend on asking her to recall the past.”During one FaceTime call, when Rodriguez was thinking about having children, she asked her grandmother what she would name a baby girl today. Estefania, she replied, because it sounded strong and powerful. Rodriguez had known her grandmother her entire life—and knew she had raised six children—but had never thought to ask her anything like that.The exchange showed Rodriguez “how much possibility there is in questions that aren’t about remembering at all.” Ask what song should belong to the two of you, or what your perfect day together would look like. These types of questions let you be curious about who your grandparent is right now, including what they imagine and what makes them laugh.“If you could ask me anything right now, what would you want to know?”After putting your grandparent in the hot seat, turn the interview over to them. What have they always wondered about you?“The grandparent’s not expecting that one,” O’Krent says. That’s exactly why he likes it: The question gives your grandparent some control over where the conversation goes and makes the exchange feel mutual.Once the conversation is flowing, don’t cling too tightly to your prepared questions. O’Krent teaches people an unusual listening trick: “The next thing you say has to include at least one word from the last sentence they say.” Because you don’t know when that last sentence is coming, you have no choice but to pay close attention. It might feel awkward at first, he acknowledges, but it helps the other person feel heard. Plus, the best question is almost always the follow-up you didn’t plan.“What do you wish you’d asked your own parents or grandparents?”This question might expose the blank spaces in your grandparent’s own family history. Maybe they know their mother moved across the country alone but never learned what compelled her to go. Perhaps they inherited a house without ever asking why their grandparents chose it—or what brought their parents together in the first place.The answers often involve what Keating calls “huge identity questions”: Where did I come from? Who am I? Why did my family’s life unfold the way it did? Most people know the milestones, she says, but what they really want is “the story behind everything.”Listen closely. Your grandparent might be telling you not only what they regret leaving unanswered, but which parts of their own story they hope you won’t.