Twenty years after the Dawson College shooting, Louise De Sousa still speaks to her daughter every day.“You know, you learn to adapt with it,” said De Sousa. “She’s not here, but I’m constantly speaking with her. And I’m always telling her to watch over us.”On Sept. 13, 2006, 18-year-old Anastasia De Sousa was killed when a gunman opened fire inside Dawson College’s cafeteria. At least 19 others were injured before the shooter was fatally shot by police.Two decades later, her mother says the pain of losing Anastasia has never disappeared. Instead, it has become something she has learned to live with while holding on to the memories of the daughter she lost.“She had this contagious laugh that when she started a laugh, even if you didn’t want a laugh, you would laugh. She really had you going.”Louise De Sousa says she misses her daughter every day and still struggles with the life Anastasia never had the chance to live.“Miss her tremendously. That’s for sure. I always say it’s not fair what happened, but for some reason, there’s a reason why it happened. And I hate saying that there’s a reason, but I think that’s my only way to accept it, to move on.“But it’s hard going to events, or even our own family events, and she’s not around, or it should have been her doing things. It’s always the ‘what if.'”The memories of that day remain vivid.De Sousa was on her lunch break when coworkers, who had worked with Anastasia that summer, told her there had been a shooting at Dawson College. When repeated calls to her daughter went unanswered, another coworker suggested many of the victims were being taken to Montreal General Hospital.She rushed there hoping to find Anastasia. Instead, she spent hours searching for answers as uncertainty gave way to fear.“It was chaotic. And when we finally got the confirmation of begging with the police back and forth, it was nine o’clock at night. So that was a very long day.”The confirmation that Anastasia had been killed changed her family’s life forever.“Our life broke completely. My heart shattered, the whole family.”In the years that followed, De Sousa says she and her husband made a conscious decision to keep moving forward for the sake of their two other children.“My husband and I said, we had two choices. Either we crawled up in the corner and that would have destroyed our family life. Or we had two other children that we had to take care of.”Today, De Sousa honours Anastasia’s memory by sharing her story with students. She hopes speaking openly about the tragedy encourages young people to support one another and recognize when someone may be struggling.“Her killer went through stuff, I guess, in his life. And he didn’t get the help or didn’t search for the help he really needed. I don’t care for his excuse, but if I could help young children… So I started speaking in schools and talking about events and what happened.”Twenty years later, De Sousa says grief has changed, but it has never gone away. Instead, she carries her daughter with her every day.