Long-term relationships can become very comfortable. You know each other’s routines, moods, and weird little habits, sometimes better than you know your own. That comfort is lovely in a lot of ways. Sex, though, needs a little bit of unpredictability. Psychologist and sex therapist Cheryl Fraser recently wrote about three habits that can drain passion from a relationship in a piece for Psychology Today. The thing is, most of them look pretty normal while they’re happening, making them easy to live with for a long time.1. How You FightEvery couple argues. But is the disagreement about what actually happened, or is it turning into a personal attack?The Gottman Institute is known for studying criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, the behaviors it calls the “Four Horsemen.” Contempt has one of the strongest associations with divorce.That can look like eye-rolling, mocking your partner, or dragging every old complaint you’ve ever had into one fight. After years of doing that, it’s no wonder it feels hard to feel closer to someone you’ve deemed as “enemy.”Fraser’s point is pretty simple here. Couples have to be able to disagree without trying to win by making the other person feel small.2. When You Stop TryingA relationship can look completely fine from the outside while the two people in it have become glorified roommates. You still talk all the time, but most of it is blah life stuff. Dinner. Work schedules. The dog. Somebody needs toothpaste. Fraser says she hears “I love them, but I’m not in love with them anymore” from couples who have reached this stage.Usually, that feeling builds over time. You stop flirting as much, plans get pushed off more easily, and both people settle into the relationship without really noticing how much effort has disappeared.Once the early excitement wears off, attraction needs some help from both people. Of course your relationship isn’t going to stay as fun and exciting as the first six months. Relationships take work and a daily recommitment to one another. 3. When Sex Starts Feeling RehearsedFraser surveyed more than 2,000 couples and found that 42% weren’t having sex at all, sometimes for years. Only 3% said their sexual connection was excellent. Yikes. She even has a memorable name for what sex can become in a long relationship: “nipple, nipple, crotch, good night.”It’s funny because most people immediately understand what she means by that. You know exactly what’s coming next. The same move follows the same move, and you could probably run the whole sequence through before it’s even started. After a while, sex is just a thing you do, not so much a thing you enjoy. Fraser’s examples all have one thing in common: they’re easy to live with for a while. That’s probably why couples can spend years doing them before realizing how much the relationship has changed.The post 3 Relationship Habits That Can Kill the Passion, According to a Sex Therapist appeared first on VICE.