Welcome to RATED AND SLATED, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.These are trying times and it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. At least, not if you’re wearing a pair of sneakers with Charlie Kirk’s face on them. In fact, I’ve spent most of this week walking along the beach in my brand new Kirkies. Imagine rocking up on the first day of school with fresh Kirkies on your feet. https://t.co/HbVMiLPNy7— Spev.V2 (@SpevV2) September 21, 2026Sometimes there were two sets of footprints in the sand, other times just one. That was when I took off my shoes and held them to the sky to show the Lord.I was like: “This is Charlie Kirk, but you already know that, right?” And he was like, “Oh really? No, I’ve never seen him before.”What the hell!She turned him into a shoe.That’s some OG grimms fairytales level shit. https://t.co/WwMUc1tzgY— Ian Carroll (@IanCarrollShow) September 21, 2026Here’s you weekly dose of anguish, sorrow, and defeat from across the vast expanse of our Godless internet: RATEDMISTY GREENNew trailer for ‘MISTY GREEN’, written and directed by Chris Rock.• Starring Rosalind Eleazar, Adam Driver, Daniel Kaluuya, Anna Kendrick, Topher Grace, & Chris Rock.In theaters October 9. pic.twitter.com/vvrxBonyly— DiscussingFilm (@DiscussingFilm) September 24, 2026The stage is set for Chris Rock to win an Oscar for Misty Green, the new A24 film that he’s written and directed, which would of course be the ultimate slap in the face for Will Smith. THE BOSTON GLOBE’S LONG-COVID LESBIAN BAR FIGHT ARTICLEThe full article did not disappoint. https://t.co/33CKrF3CPy pic.twitter.com/OPh81tDwza— Abigail Anthony (@abigailandwords) September 22, 2026The lesbian bar’s “mask optional” club night being described as “a mass disabling event” organized by “eugenicists” is giving off unexpected death-metal frontman energy. The whole time I was reading this article about “all hell breaking loose” over recent changes to the Last Ditch Bar’s Covid policy, I was expecting some bearded guy in a sleeveless top and cargo shorts to start pig squealing while fans leap wildly onto each other’s heads. Seriously, forget about your N95, it’s time to open up the fucking pit.STUDYING WRESTLING View this post on Instagram When it comes to the similarities between rapping and wrestling, Kibo is right to break it down like this. I spent my teenage years “studying” WWF, giving the DX crotch chop to everyone in sight, so I’ve got the detentions to prove it. That’s what it takes to get over with the audience when you’re 13, but I’m older and wiser now. So if you’re not down with that, I got two words for ya: “Fair enough.” DEUX VISAGES, “ALWAYS YOU” View this post on Instagram A new setting has been unlocked on the nostalgia machine with Deux Visages putting out a Sims 2 music video, ahead of the release of their debut album Call It Goodbye later this year. This is a particularly uncanny experience for those of us who learned about life by playing these games, only to discover that, in the real world, you can’t just type in the “rosebud” cheat code and get all the money you want. Instead, I spend my days in a four-by-four room full of ovens with no windows or doors, waiting to burn to death for someone else’s entertainment.JEAN PHILfirst thing the indonesians saw when the dutch east india company pulled up in 1603 pic.twitter.com/bpx8GHj6CT— JT (@jiratickets) September 20, 2026Eat your heart out, obese Marlon Brando, this is the true Colonel Kurtz. He watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor, then went and gave himself a handlebar mustache, and now he’s shadowboxing in front of an iPhone tripod and shilling memecoin—the horror, the horror, etc.SLATEDSO MAYBE THE WEEKND ISN’T RETIRING AFTER ALLPresented by YOKO TARO ft. YOKO TAKAHASHI pic.twitter.com/a8wUBHV7k6— The Weeknd (@theweeknd) September 19, 2026I’m sick of Abel Tesfaye edging us all over whether or not he’s going to retire The Weeknd character. Like, OK, I get it: you don’t want to give up your hobby of making music in case it affects your full-time job of hanging out with Japanese video game directors. But you’re not getting any younger, and at some point, we all have to choose between anime and ever having sex again.A TAMAGOTCHI-STYLE AI GADGETTamagotyourdata. https://t.co/H4Dua8MRBN— Proton Pass (@Proton_Pass) September 24, 2026Will this “joyful little device” starve to death if I forget to give it food or water? Because that’s what’s going to happen when I’m too busy looking at feet pics on Instagram to remember meal times. Oh well, I won’t be able to afford it anyway, not after settling that Peta lawsuit out of court. HOW STRANGE IT IS (THE NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL SHOW)looks like it has the potential to be the most irritating thing of all time, fair play pic.twitter.com/jmcxxuhJne— Aidan James (@mcandidate) September 22, 2026I’m sorry, but In the Aeroplane Over the Sea was never intended to be a cabaret show. I appreciate theater-maker Salty Brine’s commitment to introducing Neutral Milk Hotel to a new audience, but your first encounter with this storied indie rock act should involve drinking whiskey for breakfast at an ATP Festival and then tearing your chalet apart while listening to “Holland, 1945” with your idiot friends. This is obviously what songwriter Jeff Mangum had in mind when he composed this heartfelt, and surprisingly raucous, tribute to Anne Frank.CIA ACCUSED OF USING ANCESTRY AND 23ANDME TO “HUNT DOWN” ALIEN BLOODLINES IN MILLIONS OF DNA TESTShttps://t.co/pef7GCCmmx pic.twitter.com/2FsTaOLfnO— Nevada Memes før Liberty (@1864Memes) September 20, 2026My home DNA test showed that I carry the gene for hypospadias. Look, I might be part of the wonky-pisshole bloodline, but the reason my pajamas end up covered in urine when I go to the toilet in the middle of the night is because my aim keeps getting thrown off by the grey aliens who always come to pay me a visit. The CIA needs to get to the bottom of this one, my marriage depends on it.“THE BOY WITH THE COLD HARD CASH IS ALWAYS MISTER RIGHT”Mark E Smith’s fiancée and last manager hits out at The Fall’s final album as “cash grab” and “ethically wrong” https://t.co/0cABPJGQk0— NME (@NME) September 22, 2026It sounds like we should probably respect Mark E. Smith’s wishes and remember him not by this posthumous Fall record, made up of unused vocal recordings and new instrumentals, but through his last will and testament: an unreleased cover of Madonna’s “Material Girl”.Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoiThe post Rated and Slated: Things We Hate and Love Online This Week appeared first on VICE.