Often, after a harsh breakup, many people find themselves pining for a version of their ex that doesn’t even exist. This habit, while common and entirely human, can hinder healing and keep us stuck in rumination. In fact, there’s even a name for it: ex-nostalgia.Are you experiencing ex-nostalgia? Here’s what you should know about the self-limiting habit.What Is Ex Nostalgia?Ex nostalgia involves thinking back fondly and longingly on an ex, often without acknowledging the negatives of that past relationship.“When we long for a version of our ex, we’re often longing for a time when we felt seen, heard, and loved,” says Sara Sloan, LMFT, CST, Marriage and Family Therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and certified Imago Relationship Therapist and Facilitator at Austin Concierge Therapy. “Each relationship reflects a different version of who we are; so when we long for an ex, we’re often longing for how they made us feel.”Unfortunately, however, ex nostalgia often gives you a distorted view of your ex, your relationship, and the memories you shared. This can trick your brain into thinking you’re missing out on this idealized version of your ex who never even existed in the first place.“Nostalgia allows us to hit delete on the problems and relationship conflicts and remember the best of it,” Sloan explains. “We remember who we were at that time, which includes the hopes, dreams, and desires we had for the life we were planning together. It’s often a mix of the small moments, like the time we sat on the porch and thought of baby names together, or big moments when we honeymooned in Tahiti, and we had our entire lives ahead of us.” “In both the small and bigger moments of nostalgia, these often reflect what we loved most about being with the other person,” she adds. “The nostalgic moments remind [us] of how we felt at home with the other person, which allowed life to feel easy.”Practicing Gratitude Without Romanticizing the PastOftentimes, we look back at our exes with rose-colored glasses. This is especially common when we’re feeling lonely or vulnerable, craving the connection and comfort we once felt with that person. But remember: the good moments do not undo all the pain they caused.“I always recommend clients remember the moments where the person showed you who they really were, as opposed to who you wished they’d become,” says Sloan. “It’s important to remember when they called you a name; what did that feel like inside? It’s important to remember the version of yourself that you didn’t recognize anymore at the end of the relationship … It’s important then to remember what the relationship devolved into, and all the reasons you chose to leave them.”However, don’t dwell on your ex’s downfalls either, as that can keep you just as trapped in rumination. The solution to ex nostalgia isn’t to villainize your ex partner, but to acknowledge your incompatibilities and the relationship’s faults. Instead of dwelling on either the positives or the negatives, find a middle ground that reflects the full picture. That way, you can be grateful for the memories you shared while also acknowledging the pain that came with it.The post Why You Can’t Stop Missing Your Ex, Even When the Relationship Was Terrible appeared first on VICE.