We all have that one friend who seems to jump from relationship to relationship without pausing to reflect and process their emotions. While you definitely don’t need to spend years “healing” before moving on from heartbreak, it certainly helps to work through the grief that follows a breakup.Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a relationship expert at Hily Dating App and a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, says many people carry this form of “emotional debt” without realizing it.“Emotional debt builds up when you end a relationship without displaying the willingness to process the emotions and dynamics that occurred within it,” she explains. “It can be tempting to feel like the relationship is out of mind once it’s out of sight, but often this just builds up internally and projects onto all future relationships until you take the time to sit with it.”Worried you might be repeating this unhealthy pattern? Dr. Romanoff shares four ways to stop carrying the emotional debt into your next connection.1. Stop Using New People to Avoid Processing the Past“The most common way this debt accumulates is by ending a relationship and immediately jumping to the next person,” says Dr. Romanoff. “On the surface, you might feel ready for something new, but subconsciously, all that unresolved trauma, unmet needs, and frustration are likely to surface and get projected onto this new person. To really process the relationship and leave it in the past, notice when you’re seeking from this new person what you didn’t get from your ex.”Look, I get it: sitting with your pain is uncomfortable and, at times, excruciating. After a breakup in my 20s, I spent nearly a year getting over my ex, crying in therapy and journaling my feelings for months before I could even hold hands with someone new.Now, I’m not saying you have to wallow as long as I did. However, taking the time to process my feelings and sit with the grief helped me move forward when the time was finally right. “Once you’ve done that work, you won’t need to recruit a new partner to save you from your past baggage,” Romanoff says.2. Identify the Long-Standing PatternOdds are, your tendency to jump into new connections doesn’t actually have anything to do with your ex, no matter how awful a partner they might have been to you. Sure, you might have grieved the relationship for months before finally ending it, making it easier to move on post-breakup. However, that shows you are willing to stay where you’re unfulfilled for longer. (I’m talking directly to myself on this one.)“It’s tempting to villainize your ex and see them as the ultimate problem. The truth is, most relationship dynamics are co-constructed, which means you played some role in the issue,” says Romanoff. “To really process the relationship, take your foot off the gas of anger. Instead, ask yourself why you accepted their mistreatment, why you stayed despite unmet needs, and why you kept opting into the cycle. Once you understand your pattern, you can make different choices that actually improve your dating life.”3. Grieve the Relationship’s PotentialIt’s not easy to move on from someone you once thought was your “person”—you know, the one you’d create a life and future with. Because of this, it’s important not just to grieve the person themselves, but also to grieve the potential you saw in your connection.“A lot of emotional debt usually involves fantasy, hope, and potential,” says Romanoff. “Often, we stay in relationships past their expiration date, waiting for the version of our partner who never shows up. It’s like waiting at a train station for a train that never comes.”“Grieving this loss of potential is hard because it requires admitting the reality of your partner—that they never were that person,” she adds. “To fully move on, the part of you still attached to their potential has to accept: they’re never becoming that person.”4. Understand Your TriggersDo you tend to overreact to seemingly minor issues or conflicts? Rather than shaming yourself, understand that there’s a story fueling your emotions—and it might stem from your emotional debt. This commonly occurs when you move on too quickly from a past connection without pausing to reflect and heal.“If you react to a small situation with a big emotional response, you’re likely responding to the present and the past through your emotional debt,” says Romanoff. “For example, if the new person you’re dating doesn’t text back within an hour, and you fear they’re going to break up with you, that’s likely your emotional debt talking.”Once you understand your triggers, you can work on them through self-healing and therapy.The post 4 Ways to Avoid Carrying ‘Emotional Debt’ Into Your Next Relationship appeared first on VICE.