Welcome to Rated and Slated, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.For me, being young was defined by the inescapable sense that there was always a party going on somewhere that I hadn’t been invited to. As I got older, everything changed with the advent of social media, which provided cast-iron proof that such parties were indeed taking place without me. While I’m no closer to being invited, I can now sit at home and look at photographs and videos from the most exclusive gatherings around the world, imagining what it would be like to actually be there. Yesterday, I fantasized my way to Paris Fashion Week, where I moaned to Madonna about how Europe needs to raise its air con game and got some great juice-cleanse tips from Mossy. View this post on Instagram One day, I’ll be front row at the Yves Saint Laurent show: getting hair advice from Austin Butler (he will, quite happily, let me run my fingers through his quiff) and discussing Super Smash Bros with Yung Lean. Finally, life will begin. Until then, I’ll just be sat here, waiting, for as long as it takes. It could be 40, it could be 50 years. But I will have my day.In the meantime, here are some more fantasies and delusions that I’ve spotted strutting down the giant parasocial catwalk we call the internet. RATED‘MAYBE I FUCKED YOUR DAD’wink wink song and video out tomorrow ;) 9pm pdt/12am edt/5am bst pic.twitter.com/VjB5p2jCOc— Charli (@charli_xcx) June 24, 2026Honestly Charli, I’m not even mad, it’s actually great that you convinced him to do something with his retirement besides playing Wordle and trying to complete Netflix. You’re obviously very persuasive, so next could you please have a word with him about getting on Ozempic? If he won’t do it for the sake of his grandchildren, maybe he’ll do it for you.THE LITTLE DICKER The ‘JACKASS’ crew has been immortalized in the sky as each cast member has been gifted their own star forming a giant penis constellation.The final Jackass movie ‘Jackass: Best & Last’ releases in theaters this Friday. pic.twitter.com/fLp8fjS1VO— DiscussingFilm (@DiscussingFilm) June 23, 2026Our universe contains billions of stars, each with their own solar systems containing any number of planets, at least one of which must be home to an alien species whose idea of entertainment is also crashing shopping trollies into each other at high speeds. If you look up at The Little Dicker one night and see a stream of blinking lights emerging from the tip in a juvenile ejaculatory flourish, you will know they are chill dudes who come in peace.WTF PHOEBE View this post on Instagram Clearly singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers is a fan of VICE as the title of her newest record has been “inspired” by my LOST WEEKEND column. Then again, I should have expected no less from someone who already named her indie rock supergroup after me. ‘ROSES ARE RED / VIOLETS ARE BLUE’It was a sticky night at the lower east side menswear store “Le Pere,” where dozens of downtown New York’s sceney regulars filled the room to see the viral phenomenon “Woah Vicky” read her original poems. Publicist Mitchell Jackson has a nose for this generation’s enfants… pic.twitter.com/lVkMWopxvQ— The Spectator (@TheSpectator) June 23, 2026“We went to the Woah Vicky poetry reading / so you didn’t have to.”ANCIENT GRZ ’22-25 Dean Blunt, Elias Rønnenfelt, and Joanne Robertson have shared a new album, available for download via MediaFire ZIP file. The project features artists including A$AP Rocky, Jeremih, Vegyn, Wraith9, evilgiane, and The Last Artful, Dodgr. The 11-track project, titled ‘ancnt grz… pic.twitter.com/JFGJQ2sJub— Pigeons & Planes (@PigsAndPlans) June 24, 2026There’s a new collection of Dean Blunt tracks out with guest features from Joanne Robertson, Elias Rønnenfelt, and, (apparently) A$AP Rocky—it’s not on Spotify but you can download it from Mediafire, which is a real throwback to the good old days when music fans could rip off artists directly without the help of streaming services or record labels.E-READER SHAPED LIKE A GUN View this post on Instagram They say that books are dangerous, but have you ever tried robbing a bank with a hardback copy of Moby Dick? When you pull out your Kindle-glock, there’s no way the cashier won’t be emptying the safe. Maybe e-books will save the publishing industry after all.GOOD JOB BUT YOUR MUSIC STILL SUCKSDJ and producer Deadmau5 donated $30,000 to help save 27 cats.After covering emergency surgeries, exams, vaccinations and microchips for all rescued kittens, he ended up adopting one himself. pic.twitter.com/4FakeZXA7y— Pubity (@pubity) June 24, 2026The existence of Deadmau5 always did imply the existence of Livecat5—we just never expected him to be so forgiving about it.slatedRICK RUBIN’S POLYMARKET ADVERTQuestions are everything. Because the people who never stop asking are the ones who find answers. pic.twitter.com/MZteQLEfqQ— Polymarket (@Polymarket) June 23, 2026Sure, Rick: You can pass off asking questions as a spiritual act in keeping with your whole take on the mystic nature of creativity, but fact of the matter is, if your friend Johnny Cash was still alive, we’d all be placing Polymarket bets on who’d win a rematch between him and the ostrich that tried to disembowel him that time. KYLE UNIVERSITYInside Kyle University, the Manosphere-Baiting Parody That's Amassed 30 Million Views (And Is Actually a Covert Movie Campaign) https://t.co/AB0QVc72Lr— Variety (@Variety) June 24, 2026Mike O’Hearn should read Audre Lorde’s essay “The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House” about his parody of the Manosphere.INFINITE MONOLITH View this post on Instagram Not content with simply ending racism on planet Earth, French superstar DJ David Guetta is now spreading unity and love amongst all extraterrestrial beings inhabiting the known universe, sending an Infinite Monolith up into the cosmo as an intergalactic shoutout to their families. THE RIPPED HARRY STYLES View this post on Instagram Someone needs to have a word with these social media admins, not every men’s fashion story can be illustrated with a photograph of Harry Styles. The only thing he’s ripped is that fart a One Direction fan trapped in a jar and tried to sell on eBay that one time.NEIGH-MES NOT DOWN, YOU’RE NOT COMING INHorsegiirL on taking Billie Eilish to Berghain:“I think she ended up staying until 7 a.m., just dancing, you know? Just having a cute time, because it's a space where no one takes photos, and no one is bothering you. It’s not like a VIP club, where it’s about being seen. And… pic.twitter.com/ANETSMXcGa— The FADER (@thefader) June 24, 2026If you’re worried about getting rejected from Berghain because you don’t look like someone who’s into techno enough, you should go with your friend who has the face of a literal horse. That way you can tell the bouncers the ketamine in your pocket was prescribed for medical reasons.SORRY BUT ACAB INCLUDES THE FLORIDA SHERIFF WHO TURNED SEIZED DRUG MONEY INTO AN ICE-CREAM TRUCK FOR LOCAL KIDS View this post on Instagram The ice-cream man now has the chance to do the funniest thing ever. Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoiThe post Things We Hate and Love Online This Week appeared first on VICE.