Happy Saturday fans of the Premier League Champions, the mighty Arsenal Football Club. Like all of you I’ve been 100% focused on us and how much we’ve had to enjoy over the last few days. I think that’s only right and proper. But, as time goes on, you remember that part of what makes football so great is ensuring that those who might have given you stick about your football team over the years become fully aware of your successes as and when they happen. I sincerely hope that all of you who have, down the years, taken pelters from mates, family members, colleagues, random blokes in football (or otherwise) WhatsApp groups, and anyone else who has had plenty to say when we haven’t won, reminded those people that Arsenal won the Premier League. I’m happy to provide a template which you may use. Dear Cunto. I know it’s been some time since our last interaction, but I just wanted to get in touch to ensure you’re aware that Arsenal are the champions and your team are not. Stick it up your hole, you wanker. Yours condescendingly. [Your name here]. I’m sure there’ll be very many stories about such interactions in the coming days. I thoroughly enjoyed Eberechi Eze just laughing and laughing at a picture of the bottle bloke as an actual bottle. Fair play to him, he was more gracious about him and his rise to prominence than I would have been, but I suspect he’s a better man than I am deep down. I think the bottle bloke and the way he became part of the story in the final few weeks was a real low for football coverage, particularly as he was brought to everyone’s attention by Sky Sports. They really should be better than that. I know they’ve embraced the bantz culture because that’s what gets eyeballs on the socials, but in doing so they lowered their standards in a considerable way. When it comes right down to it, he’s just a bit of a dimwit, but Sky are the ones who shone the spotlight on him. Either way though, his 15 minutes are up and he ought to just fuck off forever. Nobody cares what you have to say now. Remember the Arsenal fan who was made famous when he celebrated that goal at Old Trafford in 1998? That’s all right. I don’t mind that. He was caught on camera celebrating a goal that felt seismic and connected to the title race in an organic way. This other eejit pilfered an Arsenal water bottle then brought it everywhere with him so he could get on TV again and again. People have always craved fame in all kinds of way, so this isn’t anything new, but that doesn’t mean we can’t think they’re egregiously stupid shitheads. Like those Liverpool fans last season who spent hours making a giant banner of Mikel Arteta in a bridesmaid’s dress so they and their banner could attract the gaze of the cameras. At no point did anyone involved in that stop and say ‘Lads, do you think doing this speaks to some kind of fundamental flaw in our own characters? Is it possible that we are pea-brained fuckwits?’ I hope their wives divorced them and took the kids. One day, in the not too distant future, I hope there’s a Ben White biography in which we learn that after Arsenal won the title, and despite the fact he was in a knee brace, we learn that he sent a message to Jamie Carragher and Gary Neville of him dancing to Hey Jude. “Na na na nananana, nannana, Chaaaaamp-iiooooons’. Dance now, you scaldy pricks. I hope Ben White’s dogs piss on Neville’s leg. Neville, by the way, who stated with real certainty that 4th was the best Mikel Arteta could ever do, and that he should walk away and get a new job when that happened. We all get stuff wrong, that’s part of the gig, but Neville needs to go to Humble Town and eat the largest Humble Pie of all time. It’s in the humble district, that’s on third. The pie should be full of shit. Just like him. That bloke on ESPN who spoke about punching Mikel Arteta in the face. Fuck off. Stewart Robson, a former Arsenal player who chuckled along with that. He can fuck right the way off. All those ex-pros on TalkSport, especially … ah fuck it, none of them are getting an especially. That gives them too much oxygen. They can all fuck off. The hate-watch YouTubers who have done so much to damage and diminish the discourse around football discourse, fuck off and never come back. Even the ones who pretend to be reasonable are still a pox on society. By their very nature they should be abhorred. In the same way there’s a mechanism to ‘tip’ these people when they live stream, their ought to be one for sending them a powerful electric shock when they say stupid stuff (which is all the time). I would pay good money to do that. I’m hoping that at least one of them will be eaten by a hungry bear that breaks into their house and devours them from the skull down. Now that’s some TV I could enjoy. “Oh, it’s a goal for Arsenal. Kai Havertz. Now a bear is eating my head. The pain is excruciating, but typical Arsenal score from a set-piece again. Boring.” Shut up, you tedious, performative, fake, acting for the cameras, shameless pricks. Gary Neville’s noises when a goal goes in or something happens in a game that might be dramatic. I don’t think I’m wrong to suggest that they should be made illegal. Every time he does one, five years hard labour. Michael Owen and Howard Webb, a television duo so devoid of charisma and personality it’s like watching Michael Owen and Howard Webb. Noel and Liam Gallagher, I hope they fight to the death on stage on their next ‘We’re never touring again here’s our last greatest hits tour until the next tour where we charge you outrageous ticket prices but blame Ticketmaster but it’s actually us because we’re grasping cunts desperately trying to pass ourselves as off as the working class heroes come good bullshit that everyone sees is a load of shit’ tour. Eat shit. All the Silvas, Bernardo, David and their ilk. Fuck off the lot of you. The celebration police who say you can’t celebrate until you win something then, when you win something, shift the goalposts to say you can’t celebrate like that. Anyone who engages in that kind of things needs a wedgie from Hellboy. Talk to me now that your gooch is raw like you sat on a power-sander. Nothing to say, huh? Quel surprise. To the bloke who used to email me – without fail – every time we lost a game and didn’t play well to insist that Arsenal should fire Arteta and bring in Graham Potter. Fuck off pal, and don’t ever email me again. You might have noticed by the zero replies you ever got that I was not on-board with your ideas, but at least you’ll have Sweden in the World Cup, I guess. I could go on. The list is long. Nigh on endless. But I must go about my day. Please feel free to contribute your own suggestions in the Arses today. The great thing about football is that we all have our very own specific fuck offs to dish out. I’m like a goddam Pez dispenser. Clack, clack, clack – fuck off, fuck off, fuck off. Then refill and go again. Enjoy your Saturday folks. The post It’s time to give a bit back appeared first on Arseblog ... an Arsenal blog.