LOS ANGELES—Touting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a sperm and an egg. “Thanks to my team of regenerative health physicians, I have effectively reversed the aging process and have never looked or felt more healthy and youthful,” said the single spermatozoon and ovum simultaneously from inside a petri dish, telling reporters that techniques such as light therapy, blood transfusions, and a strict diet of plant-based foods had allowed him to shed dozens of pounds as well as all his organs and external features. “Even a few months ago I was a tired, unattractive zygote burned out from mitotic division, but thanks to ever more experimental techniques I have been able to achieve the ideal physical form that humankind has searched for since time immemorial. I feel like I could swim a marathon right now!” Johnson added that he planned to extend his life cycle even further by injecting the sperm and egg into a prepubescent boy and girl for maximum effectiveness.The post Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg appeared first on The Onion.