Hi. I decided to try writing this kind of post; I found the questions in the public domain. I really feel a bit confused right now because I'm absolutely unsure of my type and my ability to evaluate myself honestly. I would be insanely happy for the help because I feel like I'm starting to despair. It's a rare occasion when I show my face. So I'm a little worried, but I'm tired of being shy and living with complexes. 1. How old are you, what is your gender? Describe yourself in general terms. 22 y/o, female. Short, small, which is why I don't look particularly threatening. My clothes have a lot of goth and edginess, though I do have soft looks too. I think I look more aggressive, if you can put it that way, than I actually am. Friendly yet detached at the same time, awkward with people, and quite introverted. 2. Do you have any medical diagnoses (ADHD, anxiety, etc.) that affect your behavior? No diagnoses, but I suspect that's just because I haven't been tested. When I posted some things, people under them thought I had autistic, schizoid, or ADHD traits. And recently, after posting my issue on a psychological site, I got a suggestion that I might have ASD or schizoid personality traits. But I don't diagnose myself via the Internet; I just can't go and get properly evaluated yet. 3. How do you feel inside? What makes you "you"? Me is a mishmash of everything: trauma-laced life experience, passive aggression, hidden aggression, envy, hatred, an inferiority complex, a craving for justice, a desire to be strong, to have meaning, and eternal fantasizing. All of this makes me me, this whole set. It's like a canvas with a bunch of colors that shimmer, play with each other, feud, and exist separately from each other. 4. What does your "perfect day" look like? (Describe a real recent example). Nobody at home, I don't have anything serious to do for uni, it's sunny outside. I look beautiful and aesthetic, I've done everything I planned at my own pace, with music, whether it's a walk to pick up a parcel, cleaning the house, or homework. I have good mental stimulation to think about, imagine, listen to music that captivates me and my attention. A strong thought makes me feel satisfied. No one touches me, ruins my mood, or bothers me. 5. If you have to spend the whole weekend alone, will you feel lonely or rested? Great. Incredible. Delightful. Excellent. As you can tell, I absolutely love it. I'm already known for the fact that even with my close ones, I can just leave and not answer messages for a couple of days because I'm lazy and it's my time for myself. 6. What causes you the most stress? How do you usually cope with it? Give a recent example. A lot of things cause stress. People, for example. I feel like they are overwhelming and stronger for the most part, and I don't want to look like an idiot next to them. Danger, unpredictability, judgment, demands, expectations — all of this comes from people. So I need to be on my guard and not get into things that will bring me extra hassle. I avoid stress and problems. On the day before an exam I didn't study for, relying on my wits, luck, knowledge, and ability to think, I'll watch even more YouTube, buy some tasty food, and find a large amount of mental stimulation. Even though I'm anxious, and I try to drive these thoughts away so I don't face them. If I'm backed into a corner and face to face with danger, I'll be impulsive, irritated and tense, thinking that whatever happens, happens, acting blindly and going all the way. 7. What pisses you off or drives you crazy the most? How does your anger manifest? Can you be openly angry at others? People's stupidity, imposed rules. Also authorities, people with power who revel in it and humiliate others, acting arrogantly. They automatically cause passive aggression in me, a desire not to obey, and opportunistic ideas. This anger isn't that noticeable to others, though I think some who pay attention would see how, when talking to authority, my voice becomes rougher and louder, my posture changes, I cross my arms over my chest, lean back in my chair, or put them behind my back, standing proudly. I think I subconsciously compete with them in those moments, though I don't fully understand myself enough to say that for sure. But I still rarely take it to the point of open aggression and conflict unless I get completely enraged or feel hurt. Most of the time, I hold my anger back. 8. What is your deepest fear? Why are you afraid of exactly this? Hard to say. Fear of rejection and, I don't know how to put this correctly, fear of my mask being taken off. I'm afraid that someone I care about will see my weakness, my defectiveness that I hide behind the mask of a more confident personality, that they'll take it off me and expose that I'm actually not as cool as I want to seem, that I'm scared a lot, don't know how to do things, that I'm weak, stupid, unremarkable, and useless. This is the foundation of my personality and what makes me feel whole. I suppose that's the reason I'm afraid of exactly this. 9. What memories or feelings cause you the strongest shame? Childhood memories, communicating with people. I was a child from a dysfunctional family, bullied and belittled by peers. I wanted attention, I wanted to show them all, I wanted them to see that out of all of them, I was the most special, strong, bright, and smart. So yes, sometimes I acted extravagantly to attract attention, even though it was very, very rare, but now I'm ashamed. Though I think I feel shame for a good half of my actions. 10. What makes you feel like a valuable and significant person? When I have meaning. When I do something. When I achieve success in something. I was put in one of the leadership roles at my uni, and I feel significant and try to do what I can in this position, even though it's awkward and scary. I asked the teachers to let our whole group leave from the last two classes at once. It was great, satisfaction and a feeling of some significance, that I can do something, that I am doing it, that I exist, that I'm cool and partly even strong and brave. 11. Tell me about the people close to you. Who are the three most important people to you and what is your relationship like? I only have one. I've known her since I was three. She was the one who was on my side when others kicked me out. I value her and want to keep her close, to protect this person. Though I know I'm far from an ideal friend, not like her. I have much less altruism and desire to yield to let a friend win. I help her when she asks, we can talk for hours and not even notice. 12. How do you feel about authorities? (Think both abstractly and about specific people — parents, bosses). Oh, I think I already answered this above without even seeing this question lol. I can add here that I have a strange desire to have someone stronger than me nearby so they can shelter me, teach me, and protect me. In my head, it sounds like some kind of games where I feel like a teenager, and this person is always older, stronger, and more experienced. But in real life, there's no such thing, and I don't put my parents up as authorities, nor bosses. 13. When someone tries to control or manipulate you, what do you feel and how do you react? I see everything. I'll think it's primitive and funny. I'll do what the person wants if it makes sense to me. But if it's pathetic manipulation where people meddle in my life and insides, like my mother or grandmother, then I'll get angry and explode. They have no right, they don't know me, they shouldn't touch me or get into what doesn't concern them. 14. What happens when someone asks you for help? Do you always help, or are there reasons to refuse? I often help. Sometimes I don't even have time to refuse. I decide it's safer to help and do something than to risk it. But I can refuse if the person doesn't inspire trust and isn't exactly worthy of help. Definitely not some drunk guy's mug asking for money "to get home". 15. If you were a tragic hero, what would be your fatal flaw? I don't even know. Maybe that I was too passive, even though talented, wanting to be seen, but I didn't feel strong and competent enough to compete. Or I would be the one who ended up betrayed by my close one because I believed in our relationship and that he would always be on my side. 16. What do people most often point out to you during arguments? What strengths and weaknesses do others note in you? That I'm selfish, rude, and go too far sometimes in conflicts if I'm pushed. I often stay silent about what I don't like, though by my behavior rather passive-aggressive, one can tell something is wrong, even though I'm unlikely to say it directly. As for strengths, people note my intellect and knowledge often; my friend often texts me to write a message to her boyfriend on her behalf during an argument to put him in his place. Weaknesses would be that I can talk more than I do, I can ignore and disappear, I put my needs above others, I look at the world negatively, and one ex friend stubbornly insisted during arguments that I'm a narcissist. 17. What hinders you the most in life? What stops you from getting what you want? Probably a lack of self-confidence. Even inner strength or the ability to express it. I feel like something often holds me back. And laziness too, yeah. And I often don't feel strong enough, but desperately wanting to be so, to get what I want and what will give me a sense of confidence, wealth, and power. I despise authorities, but nowhere did I say I wouldn't want to be one myself. It would be so convenient, comfortable, and I could finally feel strong and significant, so that no one could be dangerous to me, so that my word would have unshakable value.   submitted by   /u/trelraltat04   to   r/EnneagramTypeMe [link]   [comments]