COOKEVILLE, TN—With the argument before him appearing completely airtight, local man Ron Bingham told reporters Tuesday that a glistening, ice-cold beer was making a compelling case for him to lose custody of his kid. “I was convinced I’d do anything to keep parental rights to my precious baby girl, but I gotta say, that impossibly frosty Busch Light has some pretty good points,” said Bingham, who claimed that his immediate impulse was to fight tooth and nail to maintain guardianship of his only child, but he’d now have to weigh his undying love against the American-style lager’s very valid counterargument that it never wakes up crying at 2 a.m. with a nightmare. “While at first I thought nothing could prevent me from sticking around to watch her grow up, the condensation dripping down the neck of this bottle is driving a hard bargain. Irreplaceable family moments are one thing, but how can I say no to that beguiling amber color? At the end of the day, would I rather spend every other weekend with an entire 12-pack or just one little princess?” At press time, sources confirmed Bingham was too drunk to understand what the family court judge had ruled.The post Glistening, Ice-Cold Beer Makes Compelling Case For Losing Custody appeared first on The Onion.