WASHINGTON—Launching into the address without any preamble or provocation, the nation’s alcoholics held a spontaneous press conference Monday to share a list of places where it’s okay to drink. “Bars are the obvious first choice, but once the uptight scolds kick you out just for having a good time, shopping mall food courts and convenience store parking lots are great backups,” said Milwaukee-area drunkard Nicholas Urie, echoing the unsolicited sentiments of all 27.9 million Americans diagnosed with alcohol use disorder, each of whom agreed “there’s nothing wrong with a little nip in the car.” “Weddings are acceptable, of course, and funerals are fair game, too—drinking is encouraged at funerals, actually. Kid birthday parties are fine as long as you stick to beer and use a koozie. Ferries, buses, commuter trains are great for knocking back a couple. Truth is there’s not a lot of cops at the butterfly sanctuary. And listen, if you’re looking for a dark, quiet place where you won’t get hassled, you can’t do much better than a planetarium.” The nation’s alcoholics added that if all else failed, a dry, secluded spot beneath an overpass was always an option.The post Nation’s Alcoholics Spontaneously Share List Of Places Where It’s Okay To Drink appeared first on The Onion.