We often talk about getting comfortable in a relationship as though it’s a negative thing, but there’s a major difference between comfort and complacency. Just because someone feels comfortable does not necessarily mean they will stop trying to make their partner happy. In fact, comfort can sometimes motivate partners to show up for each other, as they feel secure and safe in the relationship.Why Comfort Is Healthy in a RelationshipIf you don’t feel comfortable in your relationship, I personally would view that as a red flag. Comfort often stems from safety, security, and acceptance—three important factors in a relationship.“From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, being comfortable in a relationship is the ultimate goal. In the attachment-based therapy space, we call this ‘secure attachment,’” says Dr. Timothy J. Nguyen, PsyD, LCSW, licensed psychologist, couples therapist, and ICF PCC coach at BalanceHour Therapy. “When relationships are genuinely comfortable, this means the nervous system is regulated or can be regulated in times of conflict because the couple has created, established, and consistently worked on keeping the relationship a safe and secure base.” However, comfort does not equal complacency. While some partners might blame their complacency on their comfort, they’re two completely different experiences. In the right partner, comfort will actually help them feel more inspired and motivated to nurture the relationship. “When we feel accepted, seen, and cared for by our partners, we experience emotional comfort, which many describe as a feeling of having a safe home base to return to when things get tough,” says Nguyen.I don’t know about you, but in my experience, that sense of security is where the most beautiful love is born. When we feel safe enough to be ourselves, we typically show up more authentically and lovingly in our relationships.Comfort vs. ComplacencyThere’s a major difference between comfort (feeling safe and secure in your relationship) and complacency (feeling satisfied with yourself and unmotivated to grow).“By definition, complacency is the state of being too satisfied or too happy with how things are currently while also having a false sense of safety,” says Nguyen. “When we reach emotional safety and comfort with our partner, it is from many repetitions over and over, patterns of interaction that solidify our expectations and familiarity with each other. Therefore, it would be very difficult to be complacent if the sense of safety has been built brick by brick, resolved conflict by resolved conflict, by injury and repair, over and over again.”A comfortable partner does not necessarily stop putting effort into the relationship. Instead, a complacent partner might use their comfort as an excuse for being lazy, stagnant, or neglectful.“With emotional comfort, that’s where partners know that when they get into conflict, they know that they can repair, they know how to repair, and they know that the accessibility, responsiveness, and active engagement with each other is going to be there when needed,” Nguyen says. “With complacency, we see more of the opposite, where partners are no longer emotionally accessible to each other, non-responsive to each other’s needs, and more passive engagement or no engagement at all.”The post The Relationship Green Flag People Often Mistake for a Problem appeared first on VICE.