Welcome to RATED AND SLATED, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.So apparently there’s this new scientific study shows that online videos can mess with your brain, which is obviously nonsense:brain-rot videos literally suppress activity in the parts of your brain responsible for cognitive control, the systems that help you resist impulsesfascinatingif used properly, short-form video seems almost perfectly designed as a cyberweapon: capture attention, weaken… https://t.co/v5yX7fBmRn pic.twitter.com/doYiEmFt1u— vittorio (@IterIntellectus) August 18, 2026I mean, who could possibly believe the suggestion that brainrot videos “literally suppress activity in the parts of your brain responsible for cognitive control, the systems that help you resist impulses?”It’s not like I recently went to a music festival and, instead of enjoying Turnstile and Lorde, just held my mobile phone up in front of my face and watched videos of Tommy Lee playing bongos for a chimpanzee.No, I also spent a significant amount of time with my headphones in, listening to ambient reimaginings of Limp Bizkit tracks. View this post on Instagram But none of this influenced my behavior negatively. It’s just a coincidence that I gorged myself on oysters and Chardonnay until I shit my pants and had to be hosed down while screaming about how “my body is a machine for turning natural wine into a natural disaster.”Further research is clearly needed. Don’t worry nerds, I got you.ratedHOW RAP BEEF SOUNDS WHEN YOU’RE 40 View this post on Instagram If you’re rapidly hurtling towards your fourth decade in the doomed planet simulator, you might find this video funny. But whatever you do, don’t actually laugh at it. To our omnipotent, all-seeing machine overlords, the sound will be proof that you’re ready for the liquefaction process, whereby you’ll be reduced to a human lather they use to cool the servers.“DANGER CAN” View this post on Instagram When I saw the footage of Hannah Einbinder talking about her favorite “dipping sauce,” I assumed, like everyone else, that she was simply trying to become a reaction GIF—now I wonder if she’s been playing “danger can” with her new podcast pals. After spending an evening smashing an entire six-pack against your frontal cortex, you might well find yourself drooling in front of a pot of ranch dressing, trying to work out how to operate a pizza crust.TIME TO LOG OFFhttps://t.co/xZFTZ4srpb pic.twitter.com/s8hWQP74Gh— Enguerrand VII de Coucy (@ingelramdecoucy) August 17, 2026They say you know you’ve been online too long when you mourn lost webpages like dead friends. I say now you know why I’ve been drinking 12 beers and crying in the street every night this week.THE TOM WILLIS TALK SHOW View this post on Instagram London literary impresario Tom Willis is launching his own talk show, which means that surely it’s time for London’s version of Future Islands—Jimothy Lacoste—to have his own Letterman moment, growling around onstage like he’s possessed by the ghost of Martin Amis. For those of us haunted by the memory of a dead literary culture, life is getting quite exciting right now.SKIPPING LEG DAY WITH GLENN DANZIGDanzig's workouts are the most straight guy gymbro routine ever, I may replicate it some day for fun. Entirely ipper body, with training legs replaced by kicking a punching bag and occasional cardio, all inspired by Nietzsche and Arnold Schwarzenegger. https://t.co/gN6TjRt5WO pic.twitter.com/yimDGo6G0P— AgNONsis (@aGnonSIS) August 18, 2026Danzig is what, 5 foot 3 or something? So he’s probably not used to touching the ceiling very often. He’s skipping leg day, too, so he won’t be beating Clavicular’s record for the vertical jump anytime soon. Still, most manlets would probably be better off following his workout routine than taking advice from the famous monsters on TikTok and Kick. Look kid, the original Misfits are the only ones worth listening to.slatedYE’S BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED RUSSIAN FANTASYALL OF THE LIGHTS pic.twitter.com/bhgVSggVy0— ye (@kanyewest) August 17, 2026With Ye announcing new tour dates in St. Petersburg, it’s good to see that he’s got his mobile air-defense system sorted out so no one will have to worry about drones when they’re “Putin their hands to the constellations.”A TRILLION HUMANS IN THE SOLAR SYSTEMJeff Bezos on why he wants a trillion humans in the solar system"I would love to see a trillion humans living in the solar system. If we had a trillion humans, we would have at any given time a 1,000 Mozarts and a 1,000 Einsteins""Our solar system would be full of life and… pic.twitter.com/EzgG77N4Pc— Jaynit (@jaynitx) August 15, 20261,000 Mozarts and 1,000 Einsteins? Sounds like one of those Epic Warz videos with a Wolfgang Amadeus horde battling an army of Alberts to the death. Which side are you on, my friend? The piano-playing poo-joke man? Or the guy who nuked Japan?BLOC PARTY’S UK POO BANGERWe’ve lived long enough to see Bloc Party turn into UK Poo pic.twitter.com/vNnN8snhlU— Callum (@CaliJ98) August 17, 2026H.R, you’re finally awake! You hit your head pretty hard while practicing that backflip. UK poo? Bloc Party? Kele Okereke sitting by the sea in his Bad Brains T-shirt singing about “Pigwig”? C’mon bro, get up, we’ve got to go on stage at CBGBs and inspire future generations of guitar bands to keep spreading that sweet P.M.A..GOTH BADDIESHoly shit pic.twitter.com/0F5yBJpbvo— Crocodile Dungarees (@CrocodileDungri) August 13, 2026We used to argue over whether the kids who shot up Columbine were or weren’t goths, now I’m sliding into the Twitch chat demanding that alt-girl streamers name me three Marilyn Manson songs. These days, it’s impossible to tell who’s shooting content for OnlyFans and who’s doing target practice in the woods.AI LAPTOP OTTER ON A PLANErapid progress, yet I cannot name a single AI-generated video that has moved me and lingered in my memory as something honestly worth watching, nor even a single good adaptation of an existing workat some point "rapid progress" in tech demos is insufficient. will there be art? https://t.co/wFqICO4RLC— Jack (@tracewoodgrains) August 17, 2026Can u imagine terrorists tryin to hijack a plane that the laptop otter was on? Box cutters vs cutest little remote worker on the planet? Game over, AI.Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoiThe post Rated and Slated: Things We Hate and Love Online This Week appeared first on VICE.