Experts say parents can disagree while presenting a reasonably consistent approach to their children. (AI generated image)Ask your father.” “No, ask your mother.”For many children, this is not just a conversation. It is a strategy. They quickly learn which parent is more likely to say yes, who is easier to persuade, who feels guilty more easily, and who might change their mind after enough pleading. A child asks one parent for permission to go to a party and is told no. Five minutes later, the same question is taken to the other parent, who says yes.Sometimes it is innocent. Sometimes it is deliberate. And sometimes the parents themselves are unaware of how often this happens. Parenting does not come with a handbook that tells two people how to agree on every decision. One parent may be stricter about screen time, while the other thinks an extra hour is harmless. One may believe that a teenager should be home by 7 pm, while the other says, “They are growing up, let them have some freedom.” One parent may insist that homework comes before play, while the other thinks the child has worked hard enough for the day.Differences are normal. In fact, they can be healthy. Children benefit from seeing that adults can think differently, negotiate, and still respect each other. The problem begins when those differences become a competition, or when one parent repeatedly becomes the “good parent” while the other is cast as the unreasonable one.Children are incredibly perceptive; they understand far more than a parent can ever clearly gauge. They notice the pause before an answer, the look exchanged between parents, the parent who is more likely to give in and the parent whose “no” is almost always negotiable. And once they discover this pattern, they can begin moving between parents to get the answer they want. “Mummy said no, but Daddy said I could.” “Papa lets me do it.” “Mummy is the only one who has a problem with this.” Over time, this can create a dynamic where parents are no longer making decisions together, but are responding individually to the child.ALSO READ | Are children born defiant? Understanding why they say no, argue and rebelThe child becomes the messenger, negotiator, and sometimes even the referee between two adults. This is particularly complicated when parents contradict each other in front of the child. Imagine one parent saying, “You are not going out tonight,” and the other immediately responding, “Why not? Let them go.” The child may feel delighted in that moment, but the larger lesson is not particularly helpful. The child learns that rules are not necessarily rules. They are dependent on which parent is present.Even more importantly, the child can begin to see parental disagreement as an opportunity rather than something that needs to be resolved between the adults. This does not mean that parents must agree on everything. They absolutely will not. But children need to know that disagreement between their parents does not mean they have to choose sides. What can parents do when they genuinely disagree?Story continues below this adFirst, stop trying to resolve the disagreement through the child or make the child a mediator for any form of communication. If one parent has said no, the other parent does not necessarily have to agree with that decision, but the disagreement should be taken elsewhere. A simple “Your father and I will discuss it and get back to you” can prevent an entire negotiation from unfolding in front of the child.If one parent is comfortable allowing a 15-year-old to attend a party and the other is not, the conversation needs to move beyond “yes versus no.” What exactly worries the parent who is saying no? Where is the party? Who will be there? Will an adult be present? How will the child get home? Sometimes what looks like a disagreement about the child is actually a disagreement about the safety of the child.They need parents who can eventually arrive at a reasonably consistent framework.Changing your mind is maturityIf a parent changes their mind, that is not a failure either. Saying, “I initially said no, but after discussing it with your mother and understanding the situation better, I have changed my mind,” is actually a wonderful lesson. It teaches children that changing your mind after considering new information is not weakness. It is maturity.Story continues below this adMost importantly, parents need to be careful about the roles they unconsciously create. Differences in parental opinion are a very common facet; often, aware children may use this to their advantage and also create a rift between their parents, with their parents having absolutely no clear idea. Being clear and making sure that the child sees you as being on the same page is extremely important and crucial for a growing adolescent.