Madonna took home seven awards at the VMAs on Sunday, making her the night’s biggest winner. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Madonna’s return to the spotlight. Age: Physically pains your mom to hearBiggest Hit: Goes on for a minute too longPhilanthropic Cause: Tiny leather corsets for dogsSpouses: Sean Penn (1985–1989), Guy Ritchie (2000–2008), MrBeast (2019–2022)Current Lover: ExhaustedReason For Return: Recommended by occupational therapistHow She Unwinds: Goes out in public as Madonna the actress so people leave her aloneBiggest Controversy: Parked too close to a fire hydrant onceWhat’s Next: Someone’s aunt suggesting she run for presidentThe post Artist Profile: Madonna appeared first on The Onion.