WASHINGTON—In what experts are already calling one of the worst outbreaks of foodborne illness in decades, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued an urgent recall Tuesday for 40,000 gallons of RFK Jr. milk.The recall, which covers all milk produced by the body of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., was issued following widespread reports of high fever, nausea, arthritis-like symptoms, and uncontrollable diarrhea among consumers. The FDA urged Americans to throw out any RFK Jr. milk they had in their refrigerators, saying those affected would be entitled to a full refund and should take a 60-day course of the antibiotic ciprofloxacin.“If you purchased a jug of milk pumped from Secretary Kennedy’s breasts on or after Mar. 4, 2026, you may have noticed a sulfurous smell, streaks of red pus, or visible effervescence in the liquid,” said FDA Commissioner Marty Makary, stressing that anyone who experienced blindness or vertigo after drinking the beverage should consult a healthcare provider immediately, especially if they were pregnant. “We also ask that consumers dispose of the milk by incineration instead of dumping it down the drain, which could result in the substance entering rivers and streams and cause mass aquatic die-offs.”“We acknowledge our error in ever allowing this man’s milk to make it onto store shelves in the first place,” Makary added.Kennedy with his milking machine.According to sources, the recalled Kennedy dairy has been sold at wellness retailers and health food co-ops in all 50 states and includes processed RFK Jr. milk products sold under names such as Bobby Butter, Hyannis Port Farms Cheddar, and Kennedy’s Curse-Reversing Longevity Yogurt. Many of these products have been touted through official channels by the secretary himself, who as a central pillar of his “Make America Healthy Again” campaign has strongly encouraged consumption of his body’s milk.FDA officials said the RFK Jr. milk was contaminated with E. coli, salmonella, listeria, and a previously unknown pathogen scientists have named Robertococcus kenneddi, which appears to have proliferated exclusively in the squalid and unsanitary conditions in which Kennedy lives. Inspectors described “appalling” conditions in the Georgetown residence where much of his milk was pumped, citing moldy, sweat-soaked gym equipment, five-gallon buckets of rancid beef tallow, and the rotting carcasses of several unidentifiable marine mammals.“The spread of bacteria by RFK Jr. milk has led to numerous confirmed cases of sepsis, meningitis, and necrosis of the tongue,” said FDA microbiologist Hana Steiner, adding that she had long warned friends and relatives against consuming the poorly regulated substance. “People will say Kennedy should have been pasteurizing his milk, and of course he should have, but I’m not sure it would have mattered. A lot of these bacteria have mutated in the dank, humid piles of unwashed jeans found on the floor of his home, and many have become antibiotic-resistant thanks to his frequent swims in sewage-tainted waters.”While the FDA has ordered an indefinite halt to the distribution of RFK Jr. milk, some MAHA diehards have decried the crackdown as federal overreach, with Kennedy himself criticizing scientists who have questioned his milk’s safety.“The probiotic cultures in my milk are a feature, not a bug, and any negative reactions people have experienced are the result of a lack of ferments in the American diet,” Kennedy said in a recent video message in which he is seen pumping and drinking a bright yellow glass of his own milk to demonstrate its safety. “There are no dangerous additives in here, just pure, natural goodness. Americans have neglected their gut microbiomes for so long that even the gentle, nourishing milk of their health and human services secretary upsets their stomachs. That’s how bad things have gotten.”“The obvious answer is for people to drink more of my milk, not less,” Kennedy continued. “It’ll take more than some misguided recall to stop me from lactating for the health and longevity of this nation.”The post FDA Recalls 40,000 Gallons Of RFK Jr. Milk appeared first on The Onion.