Shubhangi Priyadarshini grew up tall and broad-shouldered. Her body type did not match conventional notions of femininity—slender figures and narrow frames—which meant she often felt out of place in dresses and saris, or standing next to partners and dates.Over time, she realised her struggle was hardly unique. “I remember when Deepika Padukone uploaded a picture in a red outfit where her facial hair was visible. For a second, I wondered why anyone would even notice that. But the backlash showed me just how conditioned our society is to zoom into ‘flaws’ that don’t even matter,” said Priyadarshini, a creative manager at Digilogues.Mrunal Thakur vs Bipasha BasuThis tension between how femininity is defined and how it is policed came into focus recently when Mrunal Thakur faced backlash over resurfaced comments about fellow actor Bipasha Basu. In a viral clip from her early days, the Son of Sardaar 2 actor disapproved of muscular women—a trait society often codes as masculine.When co-star Arjit Taneja was asked if he would marry a muscular woman, Thakur cut in: “Do you want to marry a girl who is manly with muscles? Go marry Bipasha.” She also said, “Listen, I am far better than Bipasha.”As netizens called out her body-shaming, Thakur issued an apology on Instagram, admitting her 19-year-old self had not fully understood the weight of her words. Basu, meanwhile, responded gracefully, reframing muscles as markers of strength, health, fitness, and longevity.The controversy spotlighted a long-running argument: who decides what femininity looks like? Should it remain tied to softness, delicacy, and submission, or can strength and muscularity be reclaimed as feminine, too? If gender is fluid and femininity a social construct, then the endless demands of performative femininity—always looking “womanly” in a narrow sense—are less about biology than about patriarchy in disguise.A sociologist’s takeSangamithra Saravanan, a sociologist at Christ University, told indianexpress.com that the row illustrates femininity as a contested performance.Story continues below this ad“When Mrunal dismissed muscularity as ‘manly,’ she was invoking a script many of us grew up with—one that told women to be soft, delicate, never too strong. Bipasha’s response flipped that script, insisting that strength and muscles belong within women’s health,” she said.According to Saravanan, this clash is more between socially sanctioned and resisted versions of femininity than about who the “real” woman is. Quoting Judith Butler from their book Gender Trouble (1990), Saravanan said that gender is not a fixed essence but something we learn to perform through what society rewards as “feminine.”She added: “Women themselves can reproduce as well as resist these narrow norms. That’s how internalised they are—the line between performer and enforcer becomes almost negligible.” Mrunal Thakur’s apology to Bipasha (Source: Instagram/@mrunalthakur)Beyond celebrity disputesOutside Bollywood, women encounter the same tug-of-war over femininity in everyday life.Story continues below this adKanuupriya Vijay Modi, battling PCOD-induced facial hair, still faces jibes about her femininity three years into her marriage — comments on her body hair, weight, height, or skin colour.“I don’t fit the ‘picture perfect 36-24-36’ glamourised by the world. But I refuse to let these petty factors define my femininity. The sundar-sushil (pretty-virtuous) stamp in matchmaking conversations just feels performative to me,” said the co-founder and writer at Creativewala. To her, such standards are less about beauty and more about control—deciding who gets to speak, to dominate, to pass judgement.Anna Mariam Ittyerah, a Bangalore-based PR executive, recalls constant corrections from childhood: from “comb your hair, it looks wild” (she has curly hair) to “sit properly like a girl.” Even today, she says, the scrutiny continues.“Whether at home or work, I am judged for sounding ‘too masculine’ or for visible body hair. It is exhausting. It triggers childhood memories of always being called ‘one of the guys’,” she said.Story continues below this adThe mental health tollCounselling psychologist Dr Rimpa Sarkar agreed, and warned that this endless self-surveillance and the constant performance of femininity – always looking a certain way, dressing to please, staying submissive or non-opinionated – can devastate mental health.“The constant self-monitoring often leads to self-criticism, anxiety, depression, body image issues, and even eating disorders. Many women begin to feel their worth lies only in their appearance rather than their skills or achievements,” she said.In the long run, Dr Sarkar said, this erodes self-esteem and fuels a harsh inner dialogue, making it harder to build compassion towards oneself. It can also strain relationships—especially between women—by breeding insecurity, comparison, and competition.Priyadarshini sees it as a cycle of social conditioning. “We aren’t born picking women apart. We learn it. As children, we idolise our elders. When we hear them mock another woman for being ‘too manly’ or ‘too muscular,’ we internalise it. We pass it on,” she said.Story continues below this adThat’s why celebrity controversies like Thakur’s become revealing. “Body positivity cannot be selective. You can’t cheer ‘curvy’ women but belittle women with broad shoulders. The contradiction is obvious,” Priyadarshini said.But unlearning takes time. Even well-intentioned people slip up because decades of conditioning don’t just disappear. Dr Sarkar strongly encourages embracing authenticity, as it allows for healthier self-worth and stronger, more supportive connections.