I don’t remember a single time in my life when I wasn’t plagued by OCD. While I was diagnosed at age 6, my symptoms began years prior. In my experience at the time, doctors and psychologists did not have as much of an understanding of this disorder. In fact, I was almost misdiagnosed with schizophrenia because of the nature of my intrusive thoughts. One of my worst fears was about hurting the people in my life. We now understand this common form of OCD as “Harm OCD,” but back then, there wasn’t as much research into the disorder. So, my doctor mistook my childhood explanation of my intrusive thoughts at face value. She thought I was hearing voices that were convincing me to do things, not realizing that I was terrified by these thoughts. I didn’t want to act on them. I didn’t feel compelled to do so. In fact, I was actively performing “rituals” and compulsions to make sure I wouldn’t harm anyone.Needless to say, it took a few psychologists to finally get the proper diagnosis. Now, over two decades later, I have a much better understanding of OCD myself. But it’s such a sneaky, manipulative disorder that I still often find myself believing the lies it spews.Here are some of the common, disturbing lies my OCD has told me.1. ‘You Want Bad Things to Happen’On my college graduation day, I received some of the worst news of my life: someone very close to me was in the hospital with end-stage kidney failure. In just a single moment, my life turned upside down. I was absolutely devastated and terrified of losing him, as we didn’t yet know the cause. I spent my graduation ceremony crying and rushed to his side the moment it was over.But as it does when you’re at your lowest, my OCD capitalized on this opportunity and proposed a horrible, egodystonic thought: “You want this to be happening.”All I could think about on the drive to the hospital was how awful a human I was. I began “checking” my body for sensations of excitement, asking myself whether I was getting enjoyment out of this. Any time someone offered me sympathy, my brain said I loved the attention I was getting, even at my loved one’s expense. And because I was so numb by the news and in a state of shock, unable to cry or fully process the situation, I began to believe that I really did want this bad thing to happen.This is just one example of the many times my OCD has done this to me. It rears its ugly head any time there’s a health scare or even a death in my family or close circle. It even convinced me that I was using my own autoimmune condition for sympathy and that I wanted to be sick, despite how much I was suffering.2. ‘You’re Physically/Emotionally Abusive’Dating with OCD is its own demon. When I’m in a relationship, my love life often becomes the center of my world. I relentlessly obsess about whether I’m a good partner. Am I supportive enough? Am I too needy? Do I have a right to voice my feelings?But the worst obsession of all is: “Am I abusive?”Stating a simple boundary often triggers my OCD, as my brain then tells me I’m a controlling, emotionally abusive, and harmful partner. One time, I even convinced myself that I physically abused my partner because I playfully nudged his arm. I spent days asking him whether I hurt him, genuinely convinced I was dangerous and that we needed to break up to protect him. It might sound silly, and my partner and I can laugh about it now, but in the moment, the fear felt real and urgent.This is why it’s so important to choose the right partner who wants to understand and support you, not someone who will use your mental illness against you. If I were with a partner who wanted to manipulate or control me, they could easily reaffirm my thoughts/fears and convince me I was, in fact, an abusive partner who deserved to be hurt in return.3. ‘You’re Secretly a Horrible Person with Bad Intentions’My default emotion is shame, and my default response to any sort of conflict is to blame myself. No matter the context, I can always find fault in myself. If I don’t handle a situation with total empathy and grace, then I must be the problem. No person in this world is perfect; we’ve all made mistakes, had messy, human moments, and been the villain in someone else’s story. But most people know who they are at their core. They know they’re a good person with good values, morals, and intentions. They can lean on their self-worth when they’re going through a hard time.But someone with OCD will obsess solely over their wrongdoings and faults until they are all they can see. When you operate from this lens, you start to believe you really are a bad person. I mean, it’s hard to feel good when your brain convinces you that you’re abusive and want bad things to happen. So, you start to feel irresponsible for not beating yourself to a pulp, thinking you must fix yourself right now, so you don’t cause more harm in this world.4. ‘You’re a Cheater’As I mentioned earlier, dating with OCD is incredibly challenging. In my case, I believe this is because, when in a relationship, you feel responsible for someone else’s happiness. With OCD, you already feel responsible for those around you. Add a romantic connection and commitment in the mix, and it’s even heavier.One of the lies my OCD tells me is that I’m a cheater. Any time I have an interaction with someone of the opposite sex, I obsess about whether I was appropriate. Did I find them attractive? Did I give them a suggestive look? Was I flirty? Why didn’t I mention that I had a partner? I must want their attention and validation. That must mean I’m emotionally cheating. Right?5. ‘You Need Complete Certainty Right Now’My desire for certainty has sabotaged so many things in my life. Oddly enough, it’s actually pushed me further away from certainty because I rarely let things unfold naturally.OCD thrives off uncertainty. “Are you sure this person is the one? You wouldn’t want to waste their time, would you?”“Are you sure you aren’t sick? You should take your temperature for the 10th time.”“Are you sure this is the right career path? You don’t want to end up on your parents’ couch someday.“Are you sure you want to eat at that restaurant? You might get food poisoning.”“Are you sure you turned off the stove? You should turn the car around and check.”I can go on and on with the countless OCD thoughts I have, all of which are centered around uncertainty. My brain sometimes spews the above statements at me within just a few minutes. It is incredibly exhausting.However, when you develop a tolerance for uncertainty—which takes time—you can take your power back from OCD.The post 5 Lies My OCD Keeps Trying to Sell Me (No Matter How Hard I Try to Ignore Them) appeared first on VICE.