Work–family guilt is particularly strong in mothers because of deeply rooted gender expectations and internalised stereotypes about caregiving (Photo: Facebook/Farah Khan)Being a working mom is hard, and being a celebrity figure doesn’t necessarily change the universal feeling. Mother of triplets, Farah Khan, once opened up about her experience of entering motherhood in an interview with film critic Anupama Chopra. “Even if you are going to the parlour, you are feeling guilty. So, it slows you down a bit. But it’s not that it cannot be done,” acknowledged the Om Shanti Om director, whose triplets were just three years old at the time of the interview. S Giriprasad, Psychologist at Aster Whitefield, explains that the mom guilt Khan was experiencing at the time is very common. Many mothers experience persistent, low-grade ache when they feel they’re not doing “enough” — not spending the perfect amount of time with their child, not being the most attentive parent, or taking time for themselves. “Psychologically, it’s a mixture of shame, self-judgement, and worry about falling short of internalised ideals.”How the mom guilt changes a woman Mom guilt often changes a woman’s societal role and sometimes, even within the family. Khan recalled that she no longer prioritised the things that were routine for her earlier. “But I spend enough time with them. You have to stop socialising. I don’t attend parties, and I can’t be bothered to go. Because at that time I could not take away from the children, also”Khan also highlighted how even when she was at work, the mom-guilt wouldn’t leave her alone. However, leaving her career and becoming a full-time mother was not in the cards for the Chaiyya Chaiyya choreographer either. “I can’t just suddenly sit at home. I won’t be a happy mother. And then I think all my maids came back to work one week after giving birth. And they work from morning till night, go home, and cook. And they do from morning till night, go home cook”Many women resonate with Khan’s experience. “When a mother parents in a way that aligns with her temperament, she models adaptive coping, showing children that self-awareness and self-care are integral parts of love,” confirms Dr Pretty Duggar Gupta, Consultant – Psychiatrist, Aster Whitefield, Bangalore. She adds that it helps reduce parental burnout and maintain consistent emotional availability. Dr Giridhar points out that slowing down and taking career breaks can increase the risk of anxiety or depression if the decision is made forcibly or if the mother feels lonely. “Socially, one loses daily contact with adults and the social circle changes. Minimising these consequences is possible through planned re-entry, raising one’s qualifications, part-time working, and collective workplace policies that not only accept but also facilitate caregiving” Khan admitted that she’d leave work and sit at home she won’t be a ‘happy mother’ (phpto credit: facebook/Farah Khan)What about the fathers?In Khan’s words, fathers don’t have a “guilty gene” in their body. “As mothers, that just comes along with the baby,” stated Khan, who said that while it is difficult for her to make one film a year, this is not the case with male directors. “A Rohit Shetty (male director) can do it.”Story continues below this adDr Giriprasad agrees with Khan’s sentiments and acknowledges that the work–family guilt is particularly strong in mothers. The reason, according to him, lies in “deeply rooted gender expectations and internalised stereotypes about caregiving.” The psychologist states that mothers often judge themselves by a higher, more demanding standard.“However, chronic, pervasive guilt is emotionally costly. It increases anxiety, fuels rumination, interferes with sleep, and erodes self-compassio,” the psychologist cautions citing that mothers report larger “declines in mental and physical health” than fathers, and elevated parenting stress is common, especially where social supports are weak.Also Read | Farah Khan recalls failed IVF attempts, how Shirish Kunder stood by her: ‘He has literally washed, bathed, cleaned me up’; emotional support partners can offerHow to regulate mom guilt?Dr Giridhar says that “a blend of cognitive and behavioral strategies from a therapeutic perspective would be most effective.” He further recommends given strategies to cope with the mom guilt:Cognitive reframing: Recognising ‘should’ statements and challenging them with reality; helps lower the feeling of chronic guiltSelf-compassion exercises: helps in disproving the idea of catastrophes like ‘if I rest, my child will fail’Behavioural experiments: eg planning short, revitalizing breaks and then observing the real effect on family functioningGaining social support: eg Parenting programs led by professionals and peer groupsRequesting workplace accommodations“Mom guilt is a real and understandable feeling, however, it does not have to be permanent. With the help of compassion, setting realistic expectations, having social supports, and using targeted psychological tools, mothers are able to get back the kinder, more healthy relationship with themselves – and be the resilience role models for their children,” Dr Giridhar concludes.