I recently read a beautiful passage in the novel Before I Let Go by Kennedy Ryan, which followed a divorced couple who have endured the unimaginable and are still very clearly in love: “I was no walk in the park.”“Who wants to walk in the park? I think that man would run wild with you.”This line struck a chord with me, especially as someone who often feels “too much” or “not enough” in dating. Every single human on this planet carries their own baggage. Mine just happens to come in the form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which can greatly impact your relationships. In fact, there’s even a subtype of the disorder known as relationship OCD (ROCD).Wondering how OCD might show up in dating? Here are four ways ROCD tries to sabotage my love life. (Note: If you experience these symptoms, know you are still worthy of a healthy, loving relationship.)1. It Tears My Partner ApartIf you live with OCD or you’ve read some of my past OCD content, you likely already know that the disorder can operate like a massive, heartless bully. The same way it attacks everything about me—my looks, my personality, my mistakes, my insecurities—it does to anyone I’m dating. It will produce some of the meanest, most judgmental thoughts that are entirely ego-dystonic but feel incredibly real. This makes it hard to be present or focus on my connection with that person.I remember once walking away from someone I absolutely adored, all because I couldn’t handle the guilt and shame of looking them in the eyes while experiencing such awful thoughts about them—thoughts I didn’t agree with but couldn’t unhear. At the time, I didn’t understand how ROCD worked. I thought that having these thoughts in the first place meant I was a terrible human. I believed I didn’t deserve true love and that I needed to let my lover find someone who was actually worthy of their heart.2. It Convinces Me I’m a Bad PartnerI recently wrote about my obsession with being a good partner, a classic symptom of relationship OCD. Any time I make the slightest mistake in my relationship, inconvenience my partner in any way, or even state a simple need, I convince myself that I am controlling or asking for too much. It’s difficult to feel like an empowered, secure individual when your brain is constantly shaming you for your most human needs. As a result, I’ve developed a terrible habit of overaccommodating and downplaying my own feelings. However, having an understanding partner has helped me voice my wants and my boundaries with unwavering confidence, knowing they matter just as much as his. 3. It Triggers Constant ComparisonsAs much as I hate to admit it—because it’s not a “healed” or “pretty” thing to do—my OCD constantly compares me to others. Every time I get into a relationship, my brain points out all the ways I am “less than” the other women in my partner’s life. Thankfully, I have worked on myself enough not to let this turn me against any woman or affect my connection with my partner. In fact, I try to channel this energy toward uplifting others, because I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do. Still, that doesn’t mean my brain isn’t still ripping me to shreds and screaming all the ways I fall short. My internal dialogue sounds like: “You’re not as pretty as her. Your body isn’t as nice as hers. You have [x flaw] that she doesn’t have, so you’re not as worthy as she is. Why would anyone love you over another woman? They have so much more to offer, and they don’t have all these insecurities you have. They probably aren’t as needy as you are. Someone else would be a better fit for your boyfriend.”Imagine having that soundtrack in your mind 24/7 and still trying to feel confident…It’s incredibly difficult, but thankfully, therapy does wonders. I’m getting to the point where I can just shrug my shoulders and say, “Yeah, all women are great in their own ways, just as I am great in my own way. If he wants someone else, then he’s not for me.” But damn, does it take a lot out of me to be berated by my own brain.4. It Convinces Me I Need Certainty In My RelationshipsI can’t tell you the number of connections I’ve likely sabotaged due to my need for complete certainty. Of course, some of the men I dated were also avoidant and unsympathetic to my feelings, so that didn’t help my case. But in my 20s, I overanalyzed most aspects of my relationships, wanting—no needing—to know that I was compatible with the person. I worried about timelines and life goals more than the average person, and while those are important compatibility factors in a relationship, they don’t need to be addressed with such fear and gravity. One concept that has been both triggering and encouraging for my OCD is the idea that we will never have complete certainty about any relationship. Even when you get married, there’s still a chance that someone can change their mind, be unfaithful, grow distant, fall for someone else, etc. Of course, we (hopefully) don’t go into a relationship obsessing over all these negative possibilities. But the truth is, we will never fully know whether someone is “the one” for us—whether we are wasting our time or making the right choice.In my (more healed and grounded) opinion, love is a risk worth taking. All you can do is make a commitment based on what you know in that moment, take that commitment seriously by showing up for your relationship, and trust yourself to handle whatever comes your way.The post 4 Ways Relationship OCD Tries to Sabotage My Love Life (While I Try Not to Let It) appeared first on VICE.