WASHINGTON—Calling the past month one of the droopiest on record, officials at AARP issued a strong April jowls report Tuesday. “We’re pleased to announce that the rate of sagging jawlines since March has exceeded even our flappiest projections,” said AARP spokesperson Janet Reyes, adding that U.S. cheeks had increased by about 130,000 folds over the most recent dermal quarter.“We credit this robust uptick in jowls to low-elasticity conditions and a sharp decline in weekly tautness claims, not to mention some strong sags in the neck sector. Fleshiness is up, and collagen is down. We’re watching key indicators like mutton-chop height and collar coverage very closely, but we remain optimistic that seniors will continue to experience downward jowl mobility and basset-hound-like features for as long as current trends hold.” The report comes only a week after AARP published research showing that American breasts had begun dangling to their lowest levels since the gravity boom of the 1980s.The post AARP Releases Strong April Jowls Report appeared first on The Onion.