Dear Media:There is no other way of putting this. The Fake News’s contumacious insistence on reporting what is actually happening in Iran rather than what Donald Trump would prefer was happening is setting back the war effort. So we at the FCC would like to provide you with some suggestions for updating your coverage. This is not a threat. However, please remember that we are in the process of consolidating every media company under the control of a man with a named boat who hates all the programming and has preemptively given Donald Trump his kidney, “just in case it ever comes in handy.”War in Iran: Was won last week, and any statements to the contrary are harmful to the troops. These include but are not limited to: pictures of the conflict, neutral tallies of casualties, interviews with people who claim to have knowledge of events in Iran prior to the year 1979, and questions directed to the president about his own past statements. Any mention of previous wars that people thought would be “easy” and “quick” and “relatively bloodless” and “not a quagmire,” including but not limited to Vietnam, the American Civil War, and World War I, are also frowned upon, especially if you make them where the troops can hear. If we wanted people to know history, we wouldn’t have removed it from every national park and museum. History is just a set of unpleasant facts designed to make people feel unhappy when they look at Mount Rushmore.The Pentagon: No, you aren’t allowed back there! You will just make everyone feel bad with your questions about so-called plans and long-range strategy. A warrior has no plans. A warrior strikes without hesitation, fangs at the ready; a warrior knows nothing of the “rules of engagement”; a brief rattle of the warrior’s long, scaly tail is all the warning a warrior gives. No, hang on; I may be thinking of rattlesnakes.The Crab: Please stop asking questions about the $2 million that the Department of War has spent on crab in September alone. This is tactical crab; they are using it to make allies with a Terrible Thing in the Deep Sea that will be helping us to de-mine the Strait of Hormuz, if we can just figure out how to communicate with it. That will really show our so-called allies!The Piano: Please stop asking questions about the $98,000 grand piano the Department of War purchased for the Air Force chief of staff’s home. This is a tactical piano, for soothing the Terrible Thing in the Deep Sea. It loves the vibrations.The Lobster: Please stop asking questions about the $6.9 million of lobster tails also in September. Those were for Pete Hegseth, just because.The Bones: Stop asking what the president meant when he said that the war would end “when I feel it, feel it in my bones.” That speaks for itself.Policy for Photos and Video About Conflict: In lieu of photos or video showing how the conflict is going, please substitute an oil painting by John McLaughlin in which Donald Trump blesses an oil tanker so that it can sail through the Strait of Hormuz unharmed while a weeping Jesus shines a bright light on him. This will help.The Girls’ School That They Are Saying We Bombed: This should not even have been mentioned in these guidelines.Casualties: If you would stop reporting on them, we wouldn’t be having these problems! At least fix the headlines, substituting positive takes like “More Comrades Now Available to Greet Warrior Pete Hegseth When He Arrives in Valhalla” or “War Creates More Appropriate Occasions for President Trump to Wear His Favorite Hat.”The President: He is in the peak of health, mental and physical. If he is able to pierce the veil of time and memory and commune with presidents who have regrets about not attacking Iran, but not living presidents, that is a feature, not a bug. A president who is in close communication with Andrew Jackson’s ghost is one at the height of his powers!Declaration of War: Not necessary. Anything that makes the president feel an inkling of doubt or accountability could be fatal to the troops! It is his mind alone that makes everything work, and you are all making him feel very bad! Clap! Why don’t you clap?If you have any further concerns, please, direct them to me!LYLAS,Brendan