The day the all-new UK spin-off of Saturday Night Live was announced, we knew. Not in a cynical, contrarian way, but instinctively. The way you can look in a fridge when you’re ill and your gut tells you which food gave you botulism. Then we felt mean about it. Shouldn’t we give these people a chance? An emerging crop of comedians, trying to make weekend TV appointment viewing again, Lorne Michaels (who created SNL back in 1975) at the helm. Surely something about it will land?Then they released a teaser with Tina Fey playing Mary Poppins for no reason other than “Poppins” apparently sounds like “pop it in” (?) and it turned out we were right, as we always are. SNL UK is going to be bad, in an entirely predictable way.We think it will feature the following:A DONALD TRUMP IMPRESSION Put your house on it. It will be largely unconvincing—like a faint memory of another comedian’s sub-par impression—but it will successfully hammer home that “orange man equals bad.” Either Al Nash doesn’t do it (successfully curtailing typecasting accusations) or he does and people on X spend the next four days arguing about why it means we do or don’t need ethnonationalism.A WILDLY OUT OF DATE REFERENCE TO ‘BRAT SUMMER’ We were going to predict an appearance from Charli xcx, but then they announced the guests and ruined our fun. But as the last frayed thread of what once was UK monoculture, a Brat reference will surely find its way into the show somehow. SOMETHING ABOUT SEMAGLUTIDES Jamie Oliver takes schoolkids on a tour of the Mounjaro factory. An emaciated Gordon Ramsay screams “fuck” at a carrot. WHAT IF ‘FRIENDS,’ BUT BRITISH? They would have called it Chums if it weren’t for the fact that SM:tv LIVE already did that 25 years ago. Mates, perhaps?SOMEONE IN A PADDINGTON FURRY SUIT WALKING THE BAFTAS TOURETTES MAN INTO THE HORIZON To be fair, this one’s actually quite inspired. If they do this, they’ll have earned a morsel of our respect.KEIR STARMER CONSOLING TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET “Oh look, it’s a masked rapper in the vein of EsDeeKid!” “Wait, he’s removing his mask!” “It’s someone impersonating Timothée Chalamet!” “And now there’s a man with glasses and a gray suit, doing a… nasal voice…?” “I guess that’s Keir Starmer, comparing not winning an Oscar to having an historically low approval rating and tanking the future of the Labour Party?” Then someone brings out a bowl of peaches.COMPARING THAT PRINCE ANDREW ARREST PHOTO TO GOING HOME IN AN UBER AFTER A BIG SESH In other words, a joke that’s already been made a million times on X. Who knows, maybe they’ll work the inevitable Brat reference into this skit.SOMETHING ABOUT KING CHARLES’S SAUSAGE FINGERSA deeply unfunny physical gag involving actual sausages being taped to one of the cast members’ hands. Cumberlands, to connote Britishness. Maybe slices of bread for ears?A SOCIALLY PERMISSIBLE RAP INTERLUDE OR A SPOOF OF A POSH BOY WANNABE ROADMAN We’re going to hedge on this one. It’s genuinely hard to tell which it will be. Regardless, they’ll shoehorn in the phrase “Rah, where’s my baccy?” and an ill-advised “chav” character will emerge from somewhere, leading to a furious Owen Jones Instagram story the next day. THE GIRL FROM WET LEG IN HER FASHION-Y BOXING GEAR PUNCHING JAMIE DORNAN IN A SKIT CALLED “50 SHADES OF SLAY” Neither party looks comfortable, or like they think it’s funny. Rhian Teasdale is forced to do a collab post on the social cutdown which she archives within a week after a heated back and forth with her PR. “RIZZ” AHMED GETS FRAMEMOGGED BY “CHAVICULAR” One of the (sometimes even worse) pre-recorded segments. Probably a mockup of a Twitch stream (not even Kick) where Riz Ahmed vomits up a modular string of looksmaxxing-adjacent lingo that doesn’t make any sense. The “chavicular” character is back, making Lee Nelson look like a work of Shakespeare by comparison.A PUNCHLINE RIFFING ON BOATY MCBOATFACEIt’s been ten years since the British voting public tried to give a government research ship this name, and for some of them – the same ones who still reply to sassy tweets about Suella Braverman with “you won the internet, sir” – time simply froze. The same way many attendees of Download Festival heard “Freak On A Leash” by Korn and thought ‘yep, that’s it for me, my musical journey stops here,’ there is a decent chunk of TV license holders who think Boaty McBoatface is the funniest joke ever made. There’s no way it won’t make it into the script somewhere. Maybe they’ll try to explain some already aged-out slang by calling Jessie Buckley the Goaty McGoatface? Hasn’t Ireland suffered enough.RUSSELL BRAND AS SOME KIND OF DORKY CHURCHGOER Taking the sentiment of “What the bloody hell does Russell Brand think he’s playing at with this messiah thing” to its side-splitting conclusion. Really, it’s just an excuse to use a load of big words in an Essex accent. The wig they go for looks a bit like Charli xcx’s hair, which provides another potential avenue for a Brat reference. BRITMAXXINGThis ensemble musical number features impressions of British cultural icons (either socially irrelevant, deceased, or both) stumbling around Camden as if Camden isn’t now just a place to buy boba tea or a Korean corn dog. Expect lots of fake teeth. Chimney sweeps and overworked nurses. Boy wizards with pet rats. Panto-esque Cockney accents and the Austin Powers impersonator. “RIZ AHMED IS SUDDENLY SERIOUS” One of the cast members starts to deliver a politically-charged opening monologue, at which point Riz Ahmed steps in and says something like, “Hey, that’s my thing.” The rousing applause that greets his speech soon sees him vying with Bob Mortimer and Ian Wright to take on David Attenborough’s mantle as the “best loved Briton.”Follow Amber on Instagram: @amberawlingsThe post 15 Predictions for Episode 1 of ‘Saturday Night Live UK’ appeared first on VICE.